Buzzsaw Unplugged

Seconds after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald made an insane, 64-yard reception-and-run for a go-ahead touchdown with less than three minutes remaining in Super Bowl XLIII on Sunday, I produced my iPhone and typed out a congratulatory email to Deadspin founder Will Leitch, an honorably loyal-for-life fan of the perennial doormat that was, at that moment, on the verge of an impossible victory. I didn't send the email, mind you--as a born-and-bred supporter of Boston-area professional sports teams since long before the region's recent run of championships, I possess the forethought to never risk jinxing an underdog (especially one whose fans are not apparent among the wildly arbitrary accusations of racism that occasionally compel me to make a frowny-face on the internet); at the same time, I wanted it to be among the first five hundred emails that Leitch would receive after the Cardinals defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, because I'm self-important. So I had it ready.

Then a bunch of ridiculous things happened in the game and the Steelers came back to win it, 27-23.

It wasn't my fault, Will and the few dozen Arizona Cardinals fans who actually exist. It wasn't my fault!

Let it be known in my defense that I bet a substantial amount of American dollars on the Cardinals without the points (Pittsburgh was favored by 6 1/2). So your moral loss, Arizona Cardinals fans, is my financial loss...unless you also bet on the Cardinals without the points.

Then again, a real fan of the team would've done that anyway...so, come to think of it...this is really my loss more than anyone's.

What the F, Cardinals?! Two Super Bowls in a row, I get my heart broken??

Steeler's "Guarantee" of Victory Over Patriots Contains More Caveats Than an NFL Contract

Pittsburgh Steelers defensive back Anthony Smith made headlines Wednesday night when it was reported that he guaranteed his team would beat the undefeated New England Patriots in their upcoming matchup Sunday. Upon closer inspection, though, it turns out that headlines are the only thing Smith actually made.

While it's true that Smith did say--as reported by SI.com--"I can guarantee a win," he's got nothing on Broadway Joe (or, for that matter John Goodman, star of the only visual evidence to date that Babe Ruth ever "called his shot") in the ballsy-prognostication department, for he immediately went on to qualify his declaration with "as long as we come out and do what we got to do" and then all but retract it by saying "we've got a good chance to win."

Is this the paltry level to which smack-talk has descended in the world of professional sports? "I GUARANTEE that we will defeat our opponents...unless they score more points than we do"? It's heartbreaking.

One can take solace in the possibility that Smith was less interested in throwing down a genuine gauntlet than he was in garnering some publicity for himself. He certainly has a better chance to achieve the latter than the Steelers do to defeat the Patriots...something to keep in mind as we consider the words of New England safety Rodney Harrison, who--when told about the so-called "guarantee"--remarked, "Never heard of him."

UPDATE: Hey, whaddya know. Smith's prediction turned out to be somewhat less than accurate.

'The NFL Today': Now With 300% More Scowling

Once again illustrating that they are a network completely in touch with what belongs on television, CBS has hired former Pittsburgh Steelers coach and Angriest Man in Football Bill Cowher as a studio analyst for "The NFL Today".

Now, in addition to being swept up in the continuing drama of Shannon Sharpe's valiant struggle with enunciation, football fans will be able to kick off their favorite day of the week by staring at the Bill Cowher face (that is, at least until Cowher--at wit's end with his colleague's closeup-ratio dominance--ends his television career when he attempts to strangle Dan Marino). Is the season here yet?