Friday, January 9, 2009

Atlanta Family Broken-Hearted After Grandfather Declines to be Buried Alive

The Atlanta Braves may no longer be the perennial playoff presence that they once were, but the team has emerged as an early frontrunner to win this year's World Series of Passive-Aggressiveness.

In the same interview in which he openly admits that the Braves had all but told 41-year-old pitcher John Smoltz that they had no place for his wrinkly ass, general manager Frank Wren expresses shock over the fact that Smoltz declined Atlanta's offer, instead choosing to sign with the Boston Red Sox in a deal that could earn the veteran nearly five times the amount that his former team was offering.

While I, as a Red Sox fan, am less-than-completely enthused about Smoltz's potential in his new home, I certainly understand the man's decision: between a team that wanted him around simply for the sake that he'd be around and a team that was willing to give him a chance to actually serve a purpose--and that was willing to pay him a hell of a lot more for the opportunity--he chose the latter.

If your grandpa who's been living with you for the last twenty-plus years opts to skip town rather than be moved into the basement to die alone in the dark, Atlanta Braves, maybe you should just let him go. In your heart of hearts, it's exactly what you wanted to happen...and to cry otherwise to the press only makes you look like Homer Simpson.

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