Metroville's Super-Secret Plot to Make All Poor White Americans Angry via Rich White Americans on Their Televisions Ruined

Could August 6th, 2009, have been a worse day for me? To prove so would be difficult, given three of my favorite things:

- iconic filmmaker John Hughes
- the Boston Red Sox
- my lifelong plan to snake my way into the American presidency only to reveal myself as a black person and do all kinds of scary black stuff to you fool-ass crackers.

What happened on August 6th, 2009?

(1) John Hughes up and flipping died
(2) the Red Sox got absolutely murdered by the Yankees (as a result of the "senior citizen starting pitcher" gag presumably set into motion by Ashton Kutcher)
(3) I, while searching for a long-buried personal document, stumbled upon a copy of my birth certificate (which I had retrieved many years ago in order to apply for a passport and then filed away)...only to discover that it is not a birth certificate--but rather, a "certificate of live birth".

Point '3', Exhibit 'A' (as in, "Ah hate dem white folk!"):


In light of the recent razor-sharp detective work of patriots such as Lou Dobbs, Bizarro Arianna Huffington and the on-air Muppets of Fox News in their holy quest to unmask America's current president as the partially black person that he truly is, you can bet my secret warehouse full of fried chicken and watermelons that there ain't no way, no how I'm ever again going to try to pass myself off as an American citizen.

In fact...it'd probably be best for me to leave the United States altogether and start my life anew in some exotic foreign location. Hawaii, maybe.

Nomar Smoltz

Nomar Garciaparra returned to Fenway Park on Monday. Yay!

His Oakland A's beat the hell out of elderly John Smoltz and the Boston Red Sox. Less yay.

Atlanta Family Broken-Hearted After Grandfather Declines to be Buried Alive

The Atlanta Braves may no longer be the perennial playoff presence that they once were, but the team has emerged as an early frontrunner to win this year's World Series of Passive-Aggressiveness.

In the same interview in which he openly admits that the Braves had all but told 41-year-old pitcher John Smoltz that they had no place for his wrinkly ass, general manager Frank Wren expresses shock over the fact that Smoltz declined Atlanta's offer, instead choosing to sign with the Boston Red Sox in a deal that could earn the veteran nearly five times the amount that his former team was offering.

While I, as a Red Sox fan, am less-than-completely enthused about Smoltz's potential in his new home, I certainly understand the man's decision: between a team that wanted him around simply for the sake that he'd be around and a team that was willing to give him a chance to actually serve a purpose--and that was willing to pay him a hell of a lot more for the opportunity--he chose the latter.

If your grandpa who's been living with you for the last twenty-plus years opts to skip town rather than be moved into the basement to die alone in the dark, Atlanta Braves, maybe you should just let him go. In your heart of hearts, it's exactly what you wanted to happen...and to cry otherwise to the press only makes you look like Homer Simpson.

Red Sox Nation Recognizes Rhode Island, [SEE UPDATE] Rights of Senior Citizens

While the New York Yankees have treated this year's free agent pool as their own personal game of Hungry Hungry Hippos--renewing with vigor their franchise mandate to morph into a league of cartoon villains--the Boston Red Sox have adopted a much less flashier approach, making acquisitions of the shruggable, "huh, that's interesting" variety.

This trend shows no sign of abating now that the Red Sox are close to signing Rhode Island native Rocco Baldelli, who has spent his career to date with the Tampa Bay (Artists Formerly Known as Devil) Rays.

As a Red Sox fan who grew up near Rhode Island, I like the Baldelli pickup. As a Red Sox fan who likes Red Sox players that aren't constantly injured, I'm feeling uncertain. As a Red Sox fan who has found an excuse to incorporate the New England-based convenience-store chain Cumberland Farms (Baldelli hails from the town of Cumberland) in a blog post, I'm over the moon.

UPDATE: The Red Sox will also be signing old-timer John Smoltz. Wasn't there already a movie about this?