Hate You Can Believe In

Despite the fact that Barack Obama is far and away the coolest mothertrucker to have ever inhabited the Oval Office (deal with it, Fillmore fans) and despite the fact even the whitey-est white people regard him with a slackjawed awe previously reserved for guests on "Inside the Actors Studio", in no way did his ascension to the U.S. Presidency take a substantial bite out of racism (one need look no further than the Comeuppance-Borked News Channel for proof). Though its obviousness may infinitely recede, color (and religion and gender and sexual preference)-coded bigotry will survive, to some degree, until the very last human being takes his or her very last breath. Sad but true.

You know who I didn't think had any legs, though? Cartoon-y racists: those bedsheet-wearing, cross-burning, sister-humping hillbillies so tragically outmoded that even Harold and Kumar have gotten around to making fun of them (not in a particularly funny way, of course--then again, maybe you just don't get it, Sergeant Bac-O-Bits). Prior to the existence of Harry Potter (and the Possessive Noun/Adjective-Noun Pairing), the only subculture besides the Ku Klux Klan to recognize "Wizard" as an official title was Cookie Crisp--and they cut that shit out almost twenty-five years ago. As far as the general public was concerned, the Ku Klux Klan died an unofficial but ignominious death sometime around 1998, when Future Do-Over Hulk and Future Christian Bale united to portray hatemongers who asserted that the KKK was worthless because its members didn't shave their heads or sufficiently whale on their delts (in the end, Future Christian Bale--in a bit of fiction that would prove to be an eerie parallel to his real-life career--got murdered in a toilet, ultimately allowing for Present Christian Bale to become an internet sensation).

"The south shall rise again", as those who live there (and are ignorant--willfully or otherwise--to the phrase's historical implications) like to say. To those who enjoy that slogan other than as a threat for Civil War II, I say you'd better get your asses in gear, because the American South's less-than-finest representative element, the Ku Klux Klan, is on the comeback trail along with a bunch of other hate groups.

As for everyone else, don't bother yourself with the question of how I know this (SPOILER ALERT: it's the punchline link coming up) or lamenting that such a thing could happen in this day and age or worrying about its implications for your children's' futures; I am here to inform you that the relative resurgence of the KKK is actually a good thing...because Barack Obama made it so.

That's how much the American President--who also happens to be black--cares about turning around the economy.

Good luck pretending to enjoy your slightly-increased profile, racists of America, in light of whence it came. (Also, good luck looking up "whence".)