The middling hook of Newsweek's article on the recent, one-night-only Vanilla Ice/MC Hammer concert in Utah is the author's framing of obvious questions--why would MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice put on a show together? why in Utah? why would anyone pay to see it?--as philosophical mind-benders. This approach was destined to be briefly amusing yet entirely forgettable, much like the subject matter...were it not for the staggering irony (one lost on reporter Joshua Alston and his employer) that the article's mere existence creates a host of quandaries so layered as to confuse even Confucius:
If you've been lame for nearly two decades before Newsweek gets around to calling you lame, does that not make your lameness lame and therefore yourself less lame?
Does Joshua Alston truly believe that a second-grader playing a stalk of broccoli is a useful parallel in understanding Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer's behaviors, or was his misstep born of a deep resentment about a vividly specific incident from his childhood? (Or does he just really like broccoli?)
How could not one of the concertgoers documented have made it clear that he or she was enjoying the event ironically? Did Alston deliberately ignore those people (perhaps due to his broccoli-based hangup), or do they not exist? And if they do not exist...do I not exist?
Please Hammer don't hurt my brain anymore. I need it to hold my hair, which I like to feel the breeze in while driving around in my Mustang convertible.