What I Think About When I Think About Soccer

When boiled down to its most basic elements, any sport can seem foolish--"bounce ball, throw ball at iron circle"; "hit ball with stick, run in diamond pattern"; "attempt to cripple people moving in direction opposite you, act surprised when someone gets crippled"--but I firmly believe that soccer stands alone as the silliest of all mainstream athletics. This personal tenet stems not from the fact that the game is foreign to me--as a citizen of a country where millionaires are made by their successful execution of a left turn, I am painfully aware that the bottomless standard for what is considered a "sport" is immune to geographical boundaries--but because soccer is the only widely popular sporting event whose rules explicitly prohibit the use of 50% of its participants' potential limbs.

("Not the goalie!" a proponent of soccer would be quick to point out, but that argument only further proves why soccer will never catch on in the United States: you know what other sport uses a goalie? Hockey (in both its Canadian and alternative-lifestyle incarnations). Goalies mean low scoring; low scoring means low interest among conspicuous consumers; disinterested conspicuous-consumers lead to a demand for a replacement product, which leads to NASCAR. Thanks, hockey.)

While the halving of competitors' available extremities as a fundamental aspect certainly gives soccer a stronger case to call itself "football" than a Sunday-afternoon collision of helmets and shoulder pads can ever claim, it also puts soccer on the level of potato sack racing--yet I sincerely doubt that "$250,000,000 and a Spice Girl" was among the prizes at your last company picnic. It is this irreconcilable contradiction that leaves me confounded by the popularity of soccer, particularly with regard to its small but vocal American fanbase. Whenever I try to argue to my countrymen and friends exactly how asinine is the hands-free game that they love so much, I inevitably end up at a loss for words.

At long last, I have come across a video (thanks to BoingBoing via Defamer) (seen above) that makes my argument for me, through the timeless magic of pictures and music. It's outdated, it's discomfiting, it's seemingly endless...

It's soccer!

Minor League Hockey Team Folksily Courts Publicity by Exploiting Mentally Unstable Celebrity

Unlike Craig Ferguson, the American Hockey League's Syracuse Crunch doesn't avoid the easy targets, as they've offered Britney Spears (she of the recently exposed dome and rehab entrance) an all-expenses paid trip to Syracuse to attend some of their games. The news is being announced in conjunction with a team promotion wherein women who shave their heads will get into Saturday's Crunch game against the Manitoba Moose for free.

Crunch owner and president Howard Dolgon has suggested--allegedly with a straight face--that the offer to Britney is being made out of genuine concern for her mental health, stating that "in addition to being 3,000 miles away from Hollywood, Syracuse is light years away from that pretentious environment." Dolgon then went on declare that he expects Spears to learn how to ice skate, practice with the team, and perform both new and time-tested songs for the crowd. (I wonder if he was so demanding of Dora the Explorer.)

What's gotten into minor league hockey these days? My personal experience is limited to the occasional NHL game, but I assume that minor league promotions used to involve free hat giveaways and the like. When did the the small-timers get so presumptuous as to expand the practice to include the ritual humiliation of internationally known figures? (Could this insatiable appetite for exposure be Stephen Colbert's fault?)

Perhaps the unseemly penchant for national-newsworthy promotions in minor league hockey is not borne of necessity so much as it is of low self-esteem. Consider Dolgon's statement that "there won't be paparazzi within 100 miles" of a Syracuse Crunch game. You can't deny that he's right...given that there won't be anybody--including, I'm willing to bet, one Britney Spears--within 100 miles. It's an American Hockey League game.