Professional Sports + Monogamy = Frowny-Face Emoticon

First we had this...now we've got this.

Attention, extraordinarily-fortunate men and women who make up the tiny percentage of humankind that gets paid crazy-good money to engage in recreational activities that the vast majority of married/engaged/in-a-committed-relationship men and women support entirely with hefty chunks of their comparatively much-smaller salaries just so that they can occasionally escape to a fantasy world beyond their realities of quiet desperation while likely living to engage in said activities--for free--on the weekends:

Either stay single or choose a new career path. Should work out better for everybody.


[UPDATE (7:35 a.m. PST): The above blitheness aside, there's nothing funny about Chris Henry's subsequent death. Better odds he'll rest in peace than people will stop being lunatics.]

AARP The Magazine Cashes In on Sexagenarian Softcore Action Craze

In the time between when she emerged as "unexpectedly doable" at the 2007 Golden Globe Awards and when Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly musically expressed their sexual attraction towards her at the Oscars ceremony, Dame Helen Mirren firmly established herself as the over-sixty object of inappropriately lustful thoughts worldwide. Perhaps it was inevitable, then, that even a publication as seemingly innocuous as AARP The Magazine would utilize the sex appeal of the Oscar-winning actress du jour in an attempt to spice up the presentation of articles on the rising cost of prescription drugs and Rod Stewart concert promotions.

To be sure, the AARP cover isn't nearly as racy as that of February's Los Angeles Magazine featuring Mirren, but one can't expect a periodical aimed at America's retirement community to go whole-hog on the Helen Mirren sex train its first time out of the box; to do so would run the risk of eliminating a large percentage of their readership via coronary. What counts in the latest AARP The Magazine cover is what's implied...and what's implied is eventual full-frontal nudity.

Minor League Hockey Team Folksily Courts Publicity by Exploiting Mentally Unstable Celebrity

Unlike Craig Ferguson, the American Hockey League's Syracuse Crunch doesn't avoid the easy targets, as they've offered Britney Spears (she of the recently exposed dome and rehab entrance) an all-expenses paid trip to Syracuse to attend some of their games. The news is being announced in conjunction with a team promotion wherein women who shave their heads will get into Saturday's Crunch game against the Manitoba Moose for free.

Crunch owner and president Howard Dolgon has suggested--allegedly with a straight face--that the offer to Britney is being made out of genuine concern for her mental health, stating that "in addition to being 3,000 miles away from Hollywood, Syracuse is light years away from that pretentious environment." Dolgon then went on declare that he expects Spears to learn how to ice skate, practice with the team, and perform both new and time-tested songs for the crowd. (I wonder if he was so demanding of Dora the Explorer.)

What's gotten into minor league hockey these days? My personal experience is limited to the occasional NHL game, but I assume that minor league promotions used to involve free hat giveaways and the like. When did the the small-timers get so presumptuous as to expand the practice to include the ritual humiliation of internationally known figures? (Could this insatiable appetite for exposure be Stephen Colbert's fault?)

Perhaps the unseemly penchant for national-newsworthy promotions in minor league hockey is not borne of necessity so much as it is of low self-esteem. Consider Dolgon's statement that "there won't be paparazzi within 100 miles" of a Syracuse Crunch game. You can't deny that he's right...given that there won't be anybody--including, I'm willing to bet, one Britney Spears--within 100 miles. It's an American Hockey League game.

Tom Brady's Sex Season Finished Much Stronger Than His Football One

Now it all makes sense.

When Tom Brady, one of the most clutch quarterbacks in NFL history, was intercepted by Marlin Jackson on what should have been the New England Patriots' game-winning drive in the AFC Championship Game four weeks ago, there was simply no explanation. Tom Brady doesn't fail when the game's on the line. The Patriots don't lose to the Indianapolis Colts. And the finger-pointing crybaby Gomer Pyle certainly doesn't fall ass-backwards into a Super Bowl Ring Giveaway by matching up against the worst quarterback to ever play in the game. But Patriots fans (and, let's be honest, anyone who recognizes the difference between what is fair and right and what is a grotesque affront to football, mankind, and even God) can now take at least a small amount of solace in the fact that there apparently was an excuse for all of these tragedies...

And it was Tom Brady's doggone virility.

How could Brady have been expected to keep his head in the game when he was faced with having to explain to his super-hot girlfriend Gisele Bundchen that his former, less hot but still very attractive (and certainly not deserving of the "aging B-list[er]" title the obviously jealous Boston Herald reporter Laurel J. Sweet assigned to her) girlfriend Bridget Moynahan was 2 months pregnant (now it's 3) with his baby? That's an impending conversation that no man--not even one as handsome and talented as the Patriots' #12--can completely put out of his mind in any situation.

Of course, it's technically unclear as to whether Brady actually knew about the pregnancy four weeks ago...but I refuse to accept the possibility that he couldn't have, because that would leave him with no excuse for the AFC Championship loss. And whether it's on the football field or in the bedroom, I know that in the final seconds, Tom Brady always comes through.

BRT 1138

Yesterday, one might have taken the fact that Britney Spears checked in and out of rehab within twenty-four hours as a sign that she wasn't committed to treating what might be an alcohol and/or substance abuse (or is it just sleepiness?) problem. But now that KABC in Los Angeles has broken the news that the pop-star-cum-theme-park-ride-disaster showed up at a tattoo parlor with her head shaved bald, we can stop pointing fingers...because twenty-four hours is more than enough time to make a full recovery when the rehab facility in question is a dystopian prison commune located beneath the surface of the Earth. The androids who oversee the day-to-day operations at that place--with their emotion-suppressing drugs and liberal use of batons--will straighten a girl out right quick.

We never should have doubted your level of dedication to improving yourself, Britney. You truly are a shining example for all mankind.

UPDATE: Idolator has discovered that Gang Starr had previously attempted to popularize this aesthetic choice back in 1998.

Jennifer Lopez Saves the World

Sure, stories have abounded for years that Jennifer Lopez is cruel, demanding, and an attention-hogging devil woman...but the same people who are so quick to point out those facts always forget one thing:

J-Lo is famous, and is therefore a better person than you.

Amnesty International understands this, and that's why today they honored Lopez with a human rights award. For propriety's sake, the organization's official explanation for singling out Jenny From the Block as an "Artist for Amnesty" is her work on Bordertown, an upcoming film that examines the murders of women in a Mexican border city...but I notice that Antonio Banderas, Martin Sheen and director Gregory Nava--all of whom were also involved in the film in question--remain conspicuously award-less for their efforts.

The completely reasonable explanation? They're just not famous enough. (Also, none of them ever battled an Anaconda.)