Gather 'round and let me tell you the story of John Demjanjuk--
Ah, forget this. I can't rhyme anything with "Demjanjuk"; I'm not even sure how it's pronounced. But the dude apparently had a hand in killing like 28,000 people during the Holocaust. He's going to prison. [closing guitar strum]
When boiled down to its most basic elements, any sport can seem foolish--"bounce ball, throw ball at iron circle"; "hit ball with stick, run in diamond pattern"; "attempt to cripple people moving in direction opposite you, act surprised when someone gets crippled"--but I firmly believe that soccer stands alone as the silliest of all mainstream athletics. This personal tenet stems not from the fact that the game is foreign to me--as a citizen of a country where millionaires are made by their successful execution of a left turn, I am painfully aware that the bottomless standard for what is considered a "sport" is immune to geographical boundaries--but because soccer is the only widely popular sporting event whose rules explicitly prohibit the use of 50% of its participants' potential limbs.
("Not the goalie!" a proponent of soccer would be quick to point out, but that argument only further proves why soccer will never catch on in the United States: you know what other sport uses a goalie? Hockey (in both its Canadian and alternative-lifestyle incarnations). Goalies mean low scoring; low scoring means low interest among conspicuous consumers; disinterested conspicuous-consumers lead to a demand for a replacement product, which leads to NASCAR. Thanks, hockey.)
While the halving of competitors' available extremities as a fundamental aspect certainly gives soccer a stronger case to call itself "football" than a Sunday-afternoon collision of helmets and shoulder pads can ever claim, it also puts soccer on the level of potato sack racing--yet I sincerely doubt that "$250,000,000 and a Spice Girl" was among the prizes at your last company picnic. It is this irreconcilable contradiction that leaves me confounded by the popularity of soccer, particularly with regard to its small but vocal American fanbase. Whenever I try to argue to my countrymen and friends exactly how asinine is the hands-free game that they love so much, I inevitably end up at a loss for words.
At long last, I have come across a video (thanks to BoingBoing via Defamer) (seen above) that makes my argument for me, through the timeless magic of pictures and music. It's outdated, it's discomfiting, it's seemingly endless...
The video--in which the instructor says to the soldier, "You are in the Bronx. A black van is stopping in front of you. Three African-Americans are getting out and they are insulting your mother in the worst ways. … Act."--has sparked outrage in America, notably among Bronx Borough President Adolfo Carrion Jr. and Al Sharpton (who stands a living example of one of racism's worst effects: if it involves black people, it's going to get Al Sharpton on TV), with many calling for disciplinary action from the German government.
Beyond the mere existence of the video--which is reprehensible in and of itself--what it is perhaps the most shocking aspect of this story is that it came from Germany. Germany! A country that to this point had boasted an absolutely squeaky-clean reputation in terms of racist or bigoted behavior! Though I may not be an expert in world history, I cannot think of a single instance where Germany has ever been associated with racism. And I'm pretty sure that I would know if such a thing had ever occurred, because I was home-schooled. By wolves.
Europeans really do take their soccer seriously. For example, during a recent match in Berlin, a 42-year-old German spectator was so enraged by a foul that took place that he ran out on to the field (or "pitch", if you want to be all soccer-y about it) and took out the offending player with a karate kick before attempting to further beat the hell out of him.
A police spokesman in the town of Hassoch, where the incident took place, theorized that the man was related to the kid who had been fouled, but stated that "it [wasn't] entirely clear".
I'm kind of hoping that the guy wasn't related to anybody involved with the game (after all, parents turning violent at children's sporting events is practically to be expected these days), and that he's just a really big fan of boys' soccer. And also maybe a ninja.
[opening guitar strum]
