Tom Brady--Whereabouts Unknown--Is a Father

The good news is that Bridget Moynahan has given birth to Tom Brady's superbaby. (The bad news for the NWFA is that it's a boy.)

But the just plain curious element of this story is that--at least according to SI.com--at the time the news went public, Papa Brady himself was unaccounted for. It wasn't confirmed whether of not he was with Moynahan in Los Angeles, and he definitely wasn't at the Patriots' practice. While these combined factors might lead one to conclude that Brady was en route from the latter to the former, allow me to suggest a forth possibility as to where Tom might be reached:

Brazil.

Chris Rock Goes the Distance for Topical Comedy Material

If there's one thing to be said for Chris Rock, it's that the man is committed to his craft.

While other comedians have for months been merely talking about the recently resolved Larry-Birkhead-vs.-Howard- K.-Stern paternity claim battle/media circus over Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter, Rock has opted to live it, initiating his own paternity proceedings in a Georgia court to determine if he's the father of a 13-year-old boy who resides in the state. The boy's mother, Kali Bowyer, tried last month to file a paternity lawsuit against Rock, but was unsuccessful because the matter fell outside the court's jurisdiction. Rock--who has been married for ten years and has two kids with his wife--was free and clear of the matter...and he voluntarily put himself right back into it.

Why would he do such a thing, you wonder? The answer is simple: Chris Rock knows that jokes are funnier when they're based on personal experience. And when he does his Larry Birkhead/Howard K. Stern bit in his next HBO standup special, you can bet that it is going to be hilarious.

Gisele Bündchen estaria Grávida?

Count on it! You can keep your stolen Vince Lombardi Trophy, Gomer. Tom Brady wouldn't be able to carry it anyway, what with his hands being full of the fruit of his can't-miss loins!

Patriots rule!

The Final Insult

Nick Pardo--the videographer who "amassed 70 hours of footage of [O.J.] Simpson from 2000 to 2005," for some reason--told the New York Post that O.J. has added himself to the list of possible fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, having alleged that he first had a tryst with Anna Nicole around the time the two of them costarred in The Naked Gun 33 1/3.

What goes on in O.J. Simpson's mind? Does he really not understand that everyone on Earth--including the jurors who originally found him innocent in 1996--knows that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman...especially since he made a deal to write a book detailing exactly how he did it? Does he fancy himself nothing more than a beloved comedian who charms the public with his quips? He just might, having joked to Pardo: "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out [the baby] is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money--or the baby herself."

Ha ha ha ha ha! He owes money to the guy whose son he stabbed to death! It's funny because it's true!

O.J. Simpson really might want to consider never talking again. To anyone. Ever.