Chris Rock Goes the Distance for Topical Comedy Material

If there's one thing to be said for Chris Rock, it's that the man is committed to his craft.

While other comedians have for months been merely talking about the recently resolved Larry-Birkhead-vs.-Howard- K.-Stern paternity claim battle/media circus over Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter, Rock has opted to live it, initiating his own paternity proceedings in a Georgia court to determine if he's the father of a 13-year-old boy who resides in the state. The boy's mother, Kali Bowyer, tried last month to file a paternity lawsuit against Rock, but was unsuccessful because the matter fell outside the court's jurisdiction. Rock--who has been married for ten years and has two kids with his wife--was free and clear of the matter...and he voluntarily put himself right back into it.

Why would he do such a thing, you wonder? The answer is simple: Chris Rock knows that jokes are funnier when they're based on personal experience. And when he does his Larry Birkhead/Howard K. Stern bit in his next HBO standup special, you can bet that it is going to be hilarious.

The Final Insult

Nick Pardo--the videographer who "amassed 70 hours of footage of [O.J.] Simpson from 2000 to 2005," for some reason--told the New York Post that O.J. has added himself to the list of possible fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, having alleged that he first had a tryst with Anna Nicole around the time the two of them costarred in The Naked Gun 33 1/3.

What goes on in O.J. Simpson's mind? Does he really not understand that everyone on Earth--including the jurors who originally found him innocent in 1996--knows that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman...especially since he made a deal to write a book detailing exactly how he did it? Does he fancy himself nothing more than a beloved comedian who charms the public with his quips? He just might, having joked to Pardo: "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out [the baby] is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money--or the baby herself."

Ha ha ha ha ha! He owes money to the guy whose son he stabbed to death! It's funny because it's true!

O.J. Simpson really might want to consider never talking again. To anyone. Ever.

Because If She Hadn't Died, the Movie Would Probably be Nominated for Several Academy Awards

If you showered recently, it might be advisable to move along before immersing yourself in the continuing Anna Nicole Smith Death Fallout Sleazefest '07. The latest (and, admittedly, comparatively benign) development is that the producers of Ms. (or was it "Mrs."? has that been settled yet?) Smith's final thespian outing (one of whom, John James, appeared on "Larry King Live" the night of her death to help scuzzbaggify the proceedings) have gently implied that if she were still with us today, Illegal Aliens would be receiving a theatrical release instead of going straight to DVD.

Watch the above trailer and decide for yourself: Does Mr. James truly believe that Anna Nicole's tragic passing has robbed us not only of the woman herself but also of the opportunity to marvel at a tale "replete with metaphors of her life" (I assume he means that Anna Nicole's house was once spectacularly annihilated as a result of improperly-stored flatware) on the big screen...or is he more inclined to privately celebrate the fact that it was the best possible thing that ever could have happened to his destined-for-the-bargain-bin offering?

Perhaps we'll all have to wait until the DVD comes out in May to pass final judgment. After all, there's no way that brief tidbits of Chyna screaming at various pitches in harshly-lit settings that appear to be made entirely of cardboard can give one an understanding of the full scope of her performance.

Anna Nicole Smith has Died

After MSNBC.com (and a bunch of other places--your guess is as good as mine as to which news outlet broke the story) initially reported that Anna Nicole Smith collapsed at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida and was rushed to the hospital earlier today, one of Smith's lawyers has announced that the former model and Playboy playmate has died at the age of 39.

Out of respect for the recently deceased, I've gone ahead and removed all previous incidents of glibness from this post...

UPDATE: ...other than perhaps to point out the curious fact that, as of this writing, no media outlets have yet used the word "overdose", when that is the strong-money bet to be the cause of Anna Nicole's death.

UPDATE 2: Defamer.com tells us that on CNN, Dr. Sanjay Gupta used the phrase "too much medication" in passing...so we're getting warmer.