Crazy Like a Butterfly

Back when Mike Tyson was in his fighting prime, everyone knew before he stepped into the ring that he was going to beat the living hell out of his opponent--the only question was how quickly.

Even though Iron Mike has long sinced moved on from professional boxing to become a full-time lunatic, he has retained some of the mystery from his days as the world's greatest pugilist. Yes, it's easy to assume that every move he makes publicly will be batshit insane...but there is absolutely no way to guess what direction it will come from.

Case in point? Tyson's recent announcement that he is going to act in Bollywood (not to mention the fact that he kind of sort of already has (see clip)).

Try as we might, there's no predicting the route this guy's crazy train will take next. Let's give the man his due and wait for, say...the Indian live-action film adaptation of "Punch-Out!!"*

[Ed. note: Is that idea ridiculous or awesome? I'd better call my agent just to be safe.]

The Final Insult

Nick Pardo--the videographer who "amassed 70 hours of footage of [O.J.] Simpson from 2000 to 2005," for some reason--told the New York Post that O.J. has added himself to the list of possible fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, having alleged that he first had a tryst with Anna Nicole around the time the two of them costarred in The Naked Gun 33 1/3.

What goes on in O.J. Simpson's mind? Does he really not understand that everyone on Earth--including the jurors who originally found him innocent in 1996--knows that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman...especially since he made a deal to write a book detailing exactly how he did it? Does he fancy himself nothing more than a beloved comedian who charms the public with his quips? He just might, having joked to Pardo: "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out [the baby] is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money--or the baby herself."

Ha ha ha ha ha! He owes money to the guy whose son he stabbed to death! It's funny because it's true!

O.J. Simpson really might want to consider never talking again. To anyone. Ever.

Crazy Diaper-Wearing Astronaut Lady: The Sexy Emails Factor

Earlier this month, when the news broke that astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak had driven over 900 miles while wearing a diaper to confront (and possibly attempt to kidnap and/or murder) a romantic rival (y'know--that thing they're not making a movie about), most people assumed that her behavior was unjustified. To those people I now declare: sexy emails!

It turns out that Nowak's rage may have been fueled by the discovery [Ed. note: not the space shuttle] of "steamy e-mails" sent to fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein--the object of her affections--by fellow Bill-Oefelein-sexer-upper Colleen Shipman--the object of her pepper spray. While Oefelein was aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery [Ed. note: not the act of uncovering sexy emails] in December, Shipman sent him an email which included the passage, "Will have to control myself when I see you. First urge will be to rip your clothes off, throw you on the ground and love the hell out of you."

After reading that, how could Nowak have been expected not to embark on a frantic cross-country drive with the possible intent of shooting Shipman, cutting her into pieces and putting those pieces into garbage bags? Now that this evidence has come to light, it's reasonable to assume that all charges against Nowak will be dropped, and the general public can focus its attention on the even more fascinating revelation brought to light by this story:

They have email in space!

The Most One-Sided Swordfight Ever

Living what may be the adult video enthusiast's greatest fear (second, perhaps, to being caught by mom), Oconomowoc, Wisconsin resident Bret Stieghorst was attacked by a neighbor wielding a three-foot-long cavalry sword because he mistook the audio from a porn Stieghorst was watching to be the sounds of a woman actually being raped.

Apparently, the fact that he kicked in Stieghorst's apartment door to find the man completely alone and (one would reasonably assume) wielding his own, somewhat less museum-friendly weapon along with a DVD remote did not immediately lead James Van Iveren--the sabre-brandishing downstairs neighbor--to suspect that he had misjudged the situation...for he remained in Stieghorst's apartment, keeping him at bladepoint while he searched for the nonexistent female victim before finally leaving. One wonders if he apologized...or if he even allowed Stieghorst to put his pants back on during the detailed investigation.

Van Iveren, 39, has been charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon--the Holy Trinity of crimes for crazy-while-not-necessarily-murderous people. His excuse for not calling the police instead of taking imaginary matters into his own hands was that his apartment--which he shares with his mother--does not contain a telephone.

A thirty-nine-year-old man lives with his mother and doesn't own a telephone...and he doesn't know porn when he hears it? What an exciting new world awaits him if he ends up in prison.

As for Stieghorst--who was so shameless as to pose for photographs taken by the local news regarding this story [see above link]--he was clear to state that this incident, which might have caused a weaker man to reevaluate how he's spending his life, will not deter him from watching porn for a single second. A heroic stance for individual rights, to say the least. Rest easy knowing that the next time Bret Stieghorst beats off to a graphic sex scene featuring a staged rape, he won't just be pleasuring himself...he'll be pleasuring us all.

BRT 1138

Yesterday, one might have taken the fact that Britney Spears checked in and out of rehab within twenty-four hours as a sign that she wasn't committed to treating what might be an alcohol and/or substance abuse (or is it just sleepiness?) problem. But now that KABC in Los Angeles has broken the news that the pop-star-cum-theme-park-ride-disaster showed up at a tattoo parlor with her head shaved bald, we can stop pointing fingers...because twenty-four hours is more than enough time to make a full recovery when the rehab facility in question is a dystopian prison commune located beneath the surface of the Earth. The androids who oversee the day-to-day operations at that place--with their emotion-suppressing drugs and liberal use of batons--will straighten a girl out right quick.

We never should have doubted your level of dedication to improving yourself, Britney. You truly are a shining example for all mankind.

UPDATE: Idolator has discovered that Gang Starr had previously attempted to popularize this aesthetic choice back in 1998.

Tennessee Lawmaker Hopes to End Abortion by Assigning Fetuses Paperwork

How is it that the people who view abortion as "evil" continue to come up with the most evil plots to try and forward their cause?

Republican Rep. Stacey Campfield has introduced a bill in Tennessee that would require death certificates for aborted fetuses.

If you thought the last part of that sentence read "death certificates for aborted fetuses," you are not mistaken.

Since Campfield won't openly cop to the obvious fact that the true goal of the proposed legislation is its would-be incidental result of creating public records identifying women who have abortions--thus potentially dissuading them from doing so--it only makes him look that much crazier. Good plan, Stacey.

[Ed. note: Since this story is so depressing, in an attempt to brighten it up somewhat I decided to post, in lieu of a photo of Campfield, one of fellow Tennesseean Justin Timberlake, who recent records indicate brought sexy back.]

Jesus in a Tree

And to think...I was worried after Molly Ivins died that there'd be nothing left in Texas but crazy. (You might have to select 'Play' on the video page.)

White Trash from Outer Space!

There once was a time when space travel was such a significant achievement that for a person to accomplish it more than likely indicated a level of character rendering him or her exempt from ever being qualified to appear on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Apparently, those days are over, as evinced by the kidnap-and-murder-attempting, diaper-wearing, git-yo-hands-off-my-man shenanigans of NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak.

According to authorities, Nowak, a 43-year-old married mother of three, believed a woman named Colleen Shipman was a competitor for the affections of Navy Commander William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut. This Oefelein guy must be quite the catch, because Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to intercept Shipman at the airport (where Shipman was flying in from Houston) and--disguised in a wig and trench coat--try to carjack her with alternating tactics of crying and pepper spray. She never got a chance to use the BB gun, knife, steel mallet, rubber tubing and garbage bags she had also brought along before Shipman drove away and contacted the police.

In all of this, what truly makes Lisa Marie Nowak an American hero--someone little girls all over the country can really look up to--is that she wore a diaper for the entirety of her 900-mile drive so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom. I have many questions regarding Nowak's actions--why not fly to Orlando? what were the garbage bags for, Shipman's body or her own pride? instead of going after Shipman personally, why didn't she use her expertise as a robotics specialist to build a giant robot to attack the woman for her?--but the one tactic of hers that I understand completely was the use of the diapers.

That's just common sense.

I'm Pretty Sure This Guy is Jesus

Everybody's all up in arms because this guy, Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, says he's Jesus. Personally, I think he's talking sense. Here are three reasons why I believe him:

1) He says so. (Duh.)
2) He's got "Jesus" right there in his name. (I've got "Johnny" in my name, and I know for a fact that that makes me more likely than anyone who isn't named Johnny to be Johnny Cash and/or the guy from The Dead Zone.)
3) He also calls himself the Antichrist and has the number "666" tattooed on his forearm...which I think we can all agree are pretty Christ-like things to do.

Case closed.