Hank Steinbrenner's Attack Hawk a Failure [OR NOT--See Retraction]

[UPDATE (4/10): In Metroville's defense, the Yahoo story--which has been updated since it was linked--originally did not cite the girl's name. I'm too fast in uncovering hot scoops for my own good.]

Some people might accept the possibility that Thursday's hawk-attack on a middle school student touring Fenway Park was nothing more than an unfortunate fluke, but I happen to suspect that the bird was planted by Yankees pseudo-owner and doughy jackass Hank Steinbrenner after it was trained to strike at Red Sox fans, all in an attempt to cut back on attendance at his division rival's park. The reasons behind this theory are as follows:

1. The animal in question was not a Blue Jay, oriole or a devil ray (I'm sorry--just "ray"), thus clearing the remaining AL East teams of suspicion.

2. The hawk singled out an adolescent girl as its intended victim, which indicates that whomever orchestrated the attack is a pussy.

3. The attempt, like all other Yankees endeavors undertaken in this century to date, did not succeed.

Better luck next time, Hank.

UPDATE (4/10) (continued): I should have known that Hank Steinbrenner was too stupid to train a hawk. As seen in the comments below, the eagle-eyed Coggblogger has informed Metroville that the name of the girl attacked was "Alexa Rodriguez". Fly on and fly true, winged defender of Fenway!