Quick! Name Your Favorite DJ AM Song.

Unless you count the late Adam Goldstein's involvement with Crazy Town--which you didn't remember/know about until you read it just now--in which case you maybe recall the title of that one song they were known for--and even then, you can't, because to consider "Butterfly" DJ AM's song is to attribute "Push It" primarily to Spinderella--you can't.

But, as long as you're a proper narcissist, that hasn't stopped you from Tweeting your sadness about DJ AM's death, has it? Because he was on "Entourage" once and that makes him important...or at least certainly more so than the four people who didn't miraculously survive that plane crash last September and therefore had no chance to celebrate their new lease on life by fatally OD'ing less than twelve months later.

Those people never dated Nicole Richie and therefore do not warrant a second thought from the likes of John Mayer or any former cast member of "That '70s Show".*


*[Ed. note: I'll allow that Danny Masterson may have (along with Travis Barker and Goldstein's family members) actually known DJ AM as a human being and is therefore genuinely impacted by his death; Demi Moore's trucker-hat rack, on the other hand, gets no such pass.]

They're Too Busy Singing to Put Any of Their Fraudulent Wives Down

Charge: $136,866 stolen by Micky Dolenz's wife in a housing scam.

Verdict: Whatever. The Monkees rule.

Can I Be a Dick for Two Seconds Regarding the Below Caption?

(1) No, you don't.

(2) Some people do.

To the video!

"You Can Have Your Money Back, Sure. But Wouldn't You Rather Have a Piece of Paper that Isn't Money?"*

*To paraphrase the ingenious plan of the promoters of the late Michael Jackson's never-to-be concert tour in their attempt not to eat 90 million dollars.

Paula Abdul Doesn't Know About TV

"I've never been drunk in my life," said Paula Abdul, the lady who looks drunk all the time on "American Idol".

So that settles it: it's pills.

"Never," said Paula Abdul--the lady on "American Idol" who always behaves as though she just ate a whole Christmas turkey stuffed with Xanax--in response to her rumored prescription-drug abuse.

Well, I'm stumped.

MC Skat Kat? Coach of the Mighty Ducks? Do you guys have any theories?

Oh, that's right--neither one of you has ever met Paula Abdul, as far as she knows.

The mystery continues...

[Access Hollywood]

Washington Post Lets the Suck Out

The Washington Post scooped the world on the more-desperately-than-is-appropriate awaited news that the Obamas have at last picked out a freaking dog...and how did they open their story? With five shameful words:

"Who let the dog out?"

Get it? That's kind of the name of a terrible song that was inexplicably popular for some time several years ago; it features the word "dog", which is the thing that the Obamas got and what the story is about! Hahahahaha!

This whole thing makes me make a frowny face--not just because of the patheticalness inherent to the newspaper of America's capital essentially sabotaging an exclusive by making the most obvious reference imaginable and thus driving additional nails into the coffin of print journalism, but also because I had hoped that the Obamas would have seen this coming and taken action to avoid it.

You deliberated your dog selection for over three months, Obamas; it must have occurred to at least one of you (likely one of the parents) that the first story about your selection--and perhaps many more thereafter--would make a cheap and lazy reference to the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out" that would be detrimental to journalism. No, you could not have avoided the fact that the animal would be a dog, but--with a little creative thinking--you could have thrown the media a curveball and chosen a name other than "Bo". A name such as:

"Electric Slide"...

"Da' Butt"...

"Tubthumping"...

"Macarena"...

"Buffalo Stance"...

And many others.

You could have named the goddamn dog "Rollin' With Kid 'N Play", for chrissake: to have applied the title of any terrible song that was once inexplicably popular other than "Who Let the Dogs Out" as your dog's name would have handcuffed the members of the national media into possibly thinking for themselves...and if enough them had done so, perhaps America would have had a chance to pull itself out of the toilet.

But they didn't, so it won't--not anytime soon, at least.

In any case, though: cute puppy (not pictured).

Funny Canadian Thing about Billy Bob Thornton (Canadian) Thing

When footage of the Needlessly Offended Billy Bob Thornton vs. Confused but Polite Canadian Radio DJ Interview Dust-Up hit the interwebs on Wednesday, I didn't post anything about it because I didn't have an angle. I still don't, but here's the Q TV weirdness--



--which I'm posting now to provide context for this:



In related news, Billy Bob's band has canceled their Canadian tour. Wonder what that's about.

[YouTube]

If Two Jokes Fall on a Utah Rec Center, Do They Make Us Laugh?

The middling hook of Newsweek's article on the recent, one-night-only Vanilla Ice/MC Hammer concert in Utah is the author's framing of obvious questions--why would MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice put on a show together? why in Utah? why would anyone pay to see it?--as philosophical mind-benders. This approach was destined to be briefly amusing yet entirely forgettable, much like the subject matter...were it not for the staggering irony (one lost on reporter Joshua Alston and his employer) that the article's mere existence creates a host of quandaries so layered as to confuse even Confucius:

If you've been lame for nearly two decades before Newsweek gets around to calling you lame, does that not make your lameness lame and therefore yourself less lame?

Does Joshua Alston truly believe that a second-grader playing a stalk of broccoli is a useful parallel in understanding Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer's behaviors, or was his misstep born of a deep resentment about a vividly specific incident from his childhood? (Or does he just really like broccoli?)

How could not one of the concertgoers documented have made it clear that he or she was enjoying the event ironically? Did Alston deliberately ignore those people (perhaps due to his broccoli-based hangup), or do they not exist? And if they do not exist...do I not exist?

Please Hammer don't hurt my brain anymore. I need it to hold my hair, which I like to feel the breeze in while driving around in my Mustang convertible.

Mumbles McSquirmy Wants to Babysit Your Nightmares

The name of Michael Jackson's upcoming tour is "This Is It".

It damn well better be.

Better than 'Batdance'

When audio of Christian Bale going ballistic on the set of Terminator: Salvation popped up on the internet on Monday, that was pretty amusing.

The dance remix, however, is The Dark Knight to the original recording's Batman & Robin.

[MySpace via Defamer]

All Hail President Memorex

Tenet 'A', derived from the Constitution of the United States of America, holds that Barack Obama became the U.S. President at twelve o'clock eastern standard time on January 20th, 2009, even though he hadn't been sworn in yet.

Tenet 'B', derived from racist crazy people, holds that Barack Obama was never the U.S. President on January 20th, 2009 because he didn't give a clean reading of the oath of office until the following day.

Given that Tenet 'B' represents a lingering devotion to a former president who willfully ignored his country's Constitution throughout two full terms in office and that Tenet 'A' represents said document, the two tenets cancel each other out. Thus emerges Tenet 'C', derived from Stephen Colbert.

Tenet 'C' holds that whatever person (or thing) appeared on camera as part of the live television broadcast of the presidential inauguration ceremony at noon EST on January 20th, 2009 automatically became the President of the United States; ergo, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma was the leader of the free world from Tuesday to Wednesday (before Obama retook his presidential oath).

However...it turns out that even that airtight logic is only half true, at best.

At noon EST on the aforementioned date, when the world was seeing Yo-Yo Ma perform John Williams' "Air and Simple Gifts" as part of a quartet, they weren't actually hearing it; rather, they were hearing a pre-recorded version of the song.

This nationally-televised deception begs the question: Who the hell was president between January 20th and January 21st?

The only conclusion is that there were two co-presidents during that time--a Chinese artist born in France and a stereo system assembled in the United States.

(Boy, did we Americans miss a window to get away with some major felonies.)

You Know How I Know You're Gay? Joe Satriani Is Suing You for Plagiarism.

It's common knowledge that anyone who is a heterosexual male over the age of 14 and in full possession of his auditory senses is required to dislike Coldplay if he wants to consider himself hip. This unspoken standard has presented a conundrum for me ever since Coldplay first entered the popular consciousness; while I fulfill all of the aforementioned requirements (especially the one about wanting to be hip), I am bitterly protective of my self-aggrandizing belief that I stand among the precious, enlightened few who know exactly why Coldplay sucks beyond the fact that The 40-Year-Old Virgin tells me so: their songs are shamelessly derivative; their albums are overproduced to the razor's edge of unbreathable sonic mush; their lead singer allowed Gwyneth Paltrow to name his children after a fruit and Charlton Heston, respectively. And yet, at the same time...I also kind of like them.

This seemingly irreconcilable internal conflict would have likely driven me to madness had it not been for the courage of '80s-era cheese-guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani to come forward and demand that Coldplay give him all of their money.

The fact that Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" really does kind of sound like Satriani's "If I Could Fly" is beside the point. What matters is the fact that a musician who hadn't been heard from in two decades--and who was only ever known strictly for playing the electric guitar, not for playing real songs with words--suing a band that is currently quite popular--but who, based on their technical merits, could easily fail to stand the test of time--for plagiarism is super-ironic. Irony is hip; therefore, Coldplay is hip (for a few hours today, at least); therefore, I (with acknowledgment to the same caveat) am indisputably hip.

But only because I don't really like Coldplay, unlike the rest of you losers.

What Would We Do, Baby, Without Josh Groban Including 'Family Ties' in His Theme-Song Medley at the Emmys, Which He Did Not...Sha-La-La-La...

I'll tell you exactly what we'll do: we'll find out who Josh Groban is, and then we'll dislike him forever.

The "Two and a Half Men" theme was deemed classic enough by the producers of Sunday night's Emmy Awards telecast to warrant inclusion in Groban's (bizarre but impressively-executed) medley of well-known television shows' opening-title tunes, but the starter ditty from "Family Ties" was not.

Between the two aforementioned songs, which one is in your head right now?

Obviously, it's the theme from "Family Ties"--because that's the one that people have actually heard of...not to mention the fact that it also happens to be the greatest lyric-based (putting "Magnum, P.I.", "The A-Team" and "Knight Rider" out of contention) TV show theme song in history.

For the producers of the 60th annual Primetime Emmys to be so lazy as to allow such a heinous oversight would be equivalent to me not making the nominal effort to learn if Josh Groban is the same singer whose first name is "Josh" that I think is married to Katherine Heigl, who I think might be on "House" or something (I don't watch a lot of popular television shows)...which is exactly what I will not be doing, in protest.

Warmlimb

Judging by his group's appearance on "The Daily Show" on Wednesday, Chris Martin could maybe stand to lose a few armbands from his wardrobe.

They've Got It (Poor Judgment)

Attention, New Kids on the Block fans: Make sure your mother clears her schedule for the foreseeable future, because--even though you've likely had your license for at least fifteen years--having your mom drive you and your friends to the show will be essential to fully immersing yourself in the nostalgia-fest that is the group's upcoming reunion tour.

Wait...what's that, Donnie Wahlberg? You have "no interest going out on a nostalgia tour and singing the same material"? While the New Kids will be performing the old songs, the focus of the tour will be on promoting a new album? Good call.

Tell your mom to forget it, ladies. And someone might also want to see if it isn't too late for Jonathan Knight to get back his job as a real estate developer.

Ruh-Roh, Rikki Rockett

Continuing what is apparently Awesome 80s Music Week here on Metroville is some decidedly un-awesome news (involving a member of a band that it is, admittedly, significantly less awesome than the one featured in the previous post): Former Poison drummer Rikki Rockett has been arrested on rape charges.

With no disrespect intended to the alleged victim (in an incident that apparently took place in Mississippi), my question to Rikki Rockett is this:

Were you compelled to rape simply because the word starts with the letter 'R'? I understand you have a whole alliteration thing going on, but so many other activities would have fulfilled the requirement--rowboating, reading, rollerblading...the list goes on and on. And I'm betting that the vast majority of your 'R'-related options, if done properly, wouldn't have gotten you run up the river.

Moreover, I wouldn't have had to find out that your real name is "Richard Ream", which--particularly in light of this latest development--is really rather revolting.

Zero Hour Thrust Upon 'Chinese Democracy' by Fizzy Deliciousness

Just as my interest in when--if ever--Axl Rose's latest incarnation of Guns N' Roses was going to release their ten-years-in-the- works Chinese Democracy was threatening to dissipate into nothingness, I suddenly find myself caring about little else. Why?

Because I love Dr. Pepper, and I will get a free can of it if the album is released by the end of 2008.

Axl, please disregard the stunning lameness of Dr. Pepper's director of marketing's related quote--"We know once [Chinese Democracy is] released, people will refer to it as 'Dr Pepper for the ears' because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds"--focusing instead on the coolness of her name--Jaxie Alt (!)--spare us the coy responses and put out that goddamn record before January 1.

I promise I'll buy it within a decade after I finish my free soda.

[Photoshop fun courtesy of Exclaim.]

Marvin Berry's Cousin Is Not Impressed

John McCain locked up the Republican presidential nomination Tuesday night, which surprised no one.

What did surprise me, after struggling to stay awake through McCain's thoroughly unimpressive and uninspiring victory speech, was learning that his campaign's theme song is Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode". Further news to yours truly was that such has been the case since 2000.

I'm deeply offended that a Republican--even one who used to pretend to be an open-minded, progressive Republican before repositioning himself, for all intents and purposes, as a goose-stepping Bush supporter--has been sullying the reputation of Back to the Future, a.k.a. the Greatest Film Ever Made, for the better part of a decade.

The way I see it, Barack Obama's only got one choice if he's going to set things right: He needs to steal back the sports almanac.

Like, Misleading

Maybe you think it's weird that this is the second time that I, a grown man, have posted a music video from the same Disney Channel movie (and the third time that I've posted about the film--premiering Friday, January 25 at 8/7c--in some capacity)...but maybe I think it's weird that you read this meaningless blog so frequently as to be aware of that fact. So let's just stop judging each other and move on.

I don't know who Aly & AJ are but, relying on my previous two posts' worth of extensive knowledge of the DCOM (that stands for "Disney Channel Original Movie"--see? I'm well-versed) Minutemen, it is apparent to me that their video for "Like Whoa" has taken substantial liberties in how it depicts the storyline. I'm fairly certain that the plot of the comedy/sci-fi adventure does not center on saving that cheerleader from breaking her leg...but Aly & AJ clearly want you to think otherwise. Outside of the fact that we'd all like to live in a world where time stands still whenever it rains bronze M&Ms...what's their angle?

Mary J. Blige to Be Stripped of Home Run Record

Will the ripple effect of the Mitchell report never end?

The Times Union in Albany, NY has broken a locally-based story about a steroid investigation that goes well beyond sports and in the realm of hip-hop and R&B. Naturally.

Named as recipients of illegal performance-enhancing drugs are Mary J. Blige, 50 Cent, Timbaland, Wyclef Jean, and--my personal favorite--staggeringly untalented and inexplicably successful "filmmaker" Tyler Perry. (Sylvester Stallone is also listed for no apparent reason, as the report points out that he "has no known connection to the Albany steroids investigation." Perhaps the Times Union simply didn't want to appear racist.)

With the exception of 50 Cent--who looks like he might spend a sizable amount of time at the gym--what the hell are these people doing with their steroids? Using them as shampoo?

It's not unrealistic to suppose that some of them might need their goods to come with more detailed instructions, given that Blige's idea of a clever fake name under which to receive her illegal drugs is "Marlo Stanfield"--the name of a drug kingpin on HBO's "The Wire". There's a lot of parts in this story that are hard to believe...but the fact that Mary J. got caught is not at the top of the list.