'Orphan': Like 'Annie' but with Less Singing and More Murder

This movie is going to scare the crap out of Brad Pitt.

Mark Wahlberg Bites Three Hands that Feed Him Clean Off, Wipes Ass with Each

While promoting his widely mocked performance in the latest nail in M. Night Shyamalan's career's coffin , the Artist Formerly Known As Marky Mark took the opportunity to backhand George Clooney--the costar of one of Mark Wahlberg's only two good movies who subsequently ushered the undeserving actor into two other major motion pictures (Rock Star and The Perfect Storm)--Brad Pitt--the costar of Wahlberg's best chance for a desperately-needed third good movie--and Matt Damon--the overlooked costar of the film that garnered the one time underpants model a freaking Academy Award nomination--all in one fell swoop by enthusiastically criticizing the Ocean's Eleven franchise--which starred George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon (in the role originally offered to Mark Wahlberg)--to the exclamation point-addicted Zoo Today:

ZOO: "Is it true you turned down the chance to be in the Ocean's films?"

LEADER OF THE FUNKY BUNCH: "Yeah - and it was well worth it!... People tell George Clooney it's great, but we all know it sucked... [Making other movies] was better than sitting with Brad and George, telling the press how great everybody is!"

I completely agree with Wahlberg's implied assessment that none of the three Ocean's films comes close to approaching high art; however, the first and third installments are near-perfect examples of well-polished, mindless entertainment, while Ocean's Twelve--albeit the worst of the bunch and a pretty crappy movie in its own right--stands head and shoulders above any product released between 2000 and 2007 that featured the man who once compelled the world to c'mon c'mon and feel feel his vibrations (with the arguable exception of I Heart Huckabees).

Even though Wahlberg--who had at one time decided that the best way to capitalize on the success of Boogie Nights was to star in a movie with Antonio Sabato Jr.--pointedly added in the Zoo interview that he "do[es] love" Clooney, Pitt and Damon, one is made to wonder if that trio now loves He Who Wasn't Talented Enough To Join New Kids On The Block in turn...or at least as much as they do the boats, motorcycles and sex they received as a result of participating in the Ocean's Eleven franchise.

[Photo courtesy Defamer via whoever they got it from.]

Presidential Candidates: They're Just Like Stars!

Either in an effort to make politics appealing to the Us Weekly crowd or because Tuesday was the slowest news day ever, the AP is reporting that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are distant relatives of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, respectively.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society (who apparently chose not to comment on the revelation that Obama appears even ruder, now, for declining Pitt's offer to stump for him back in October) found ways to link all three current presidential candidates, including John McCain, to a number of celebrities--from Celine Dion to the Bush family to Jack Kerouac (whom we can all stop mourning for dying young, in that he would have killed himself upon learning of his tangentially shared heritage with Hillary Clinton). One might find that if one traces the candidates' lineages back to the dawn of time, they're pretty much related to everyone.

It's almost as if all human beings are of the same species. Far out.

Brad Pitt Cleverly Doesn't Leave Space for a 'Maybe' Box Write-In

"I find you in the morning sky, in the sound of children's laughter, in the motion of every stirring wind."

First, the bad news: If you somehow, someday manage to fulfill your wildest dreams and become a rich, handsome movie star adored by millions the world over and who is (more or less) married to one of the most beautiful people in the world, who also happens to be a wealthy movie star adored by millions the world over...you will still be lame.

The good news? At least you have your health. Unless you don't. In which case I guess there is no good news.