Terrorist Attacks McCain

While more responsible bloggers such as myself have been reticent to rub the Obama victory in the faces of those who opposed his campaign, former would-be terrorist (who about 90% of the American populous had never heard of until Sean Hannity looked him up on Wikipedia) and current college professor William Ayers apparently holds no such qualms.

Using Obama's historic victory as a jumping-off point, Ayers has written a piece for In These Times in which he kicks John McCain while he's down, segueing abruptly from poo-pooing McCain for his usage of Ayers as a "prop" in his failed presidential bid into boldly denouncing McCain for...having participated in the Vietnam War. (Ayers also finds a moment to brag about having been mentioned on "The Colbert Report", which I would probably do, too.)

Really, Bill? Vietnam? You still think that's the first thing people should hold against John McCain?

I would have gone with the more recent constant lying or the baseless, often latently racist smears against Barack Obama or the complete abandonment of his principles in a desperate quest to win an office for no other reason than to satiate his ego.

Then again, none of those things happened in the 1960s, which was apparently the only decade when anything interesting happened in America. I guess you had to be there, which I was not.

Boo! (Also: Booo.)

Don't find a still image of a misspelled word particularly frightening?

What if I told you it was taken from a nationally broadcast television commercial made by...a viable candidate for President!!

Happy Halluhwein!

Nukular Safety Is Fer Queers!

I don't want to make the blanket assumption that anyone who supports John McCain is a hate-filled, proudly ignorant, mouth-breathing troglodyte...but after seeing the above clip from an event at Northern Iowa University on Saturday, wherein the long-off-the-rails Republican presidential candidate's insipid mockery of Barack Obama's concern for nuclear safety (boiling it down to "blah, blah, blah") is met with a fourteen-second ovation, I will absolutely make that assumption about anyone who attends McCain/Palin rallies.

Chicken McMugget

When the story broke on Thursday about a young woman in Pittsburgh having the letter 'B' carved into her face by a mugger after he saw her McCain bumper sticker, you almost had to be a little bit happy for the McCain campaign: finally--after all the treason-proclaiming, murder-instructing and out-and-proud-racist nutjobs that have emerged in support of the GOP candidate--they had a crazy person on the Obama side (and a big black one, to boot!) to point to in their defense.

That is unless you saw the above photo of the alleged victim, McCain campaign volunteer Ashley Todd, and noted the fact that the 'B' scratched into her face was backwards--as though it had been done in a mirror--as a sign that the other shoe would soon be dropping.

Alas, it has, as Todd confessed on Friday that she made the whole thing up. Not only was she not attacked by an Obama supporter (having etched the incriminatingly-positioned letter into her face herself), she was never at the ATM at which she had purported to have been mugged.

And the McCain Crazy Train (formerly known as the "Straight Talk Express") keeps on rollin'.

Confused, Tired Old Man Tired, Confused

I couldn't disagree with him more.

I couldn't agree...with myself...I couldn't disagree...with myself...

Patriotism...God....

Zzzzzz, pudding, fail.

The Dos and Don'ts of Postponing a Presidential Campaign

DO: Mean it.

DON'T: Not mean it, get caught in your politically-motivated lie, then spend the next couple of weeks getting raked over the coals by David Letterman.

DO: It so that you can visit your sweet old grandma (who helped raise you) because she has fallen ill.

DON'T: Try to pretend that you have a grandma in a desperate attempt to keep pace with your opponent, for you might be as old as--if not older than--a large percentage of actual grandmas.

DO: Win.

DON'T: Lose. (But...black, gay, literate, female polar-bear-God-willing, Goofus...you will.)

You Know Which Presidential Candidate Is a Racist? You Might Never Know:

The white one.

Joe Biden Will See Your Retarded Son and Raise You a Dead Wife and Daughter

Thursday night saw the one-time-only 2008 Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and a Robo-Folksy Idiot-Bot. Save for the fact that at no point did Sarah Palin gnaw on her podium, things went more or less as expected.

5 Friends Vote

Look at all the famous people who turned out to celebrate Metroville's 300th post!

Also, they seem to be discussing something about voting.

The Republican Party: Keepin' It Real

Say what you will about the GOP--that it's willfully ignorant, that it sustains itself on deceitful fear-mongering, that its blind allegiance to an unprecedentedly incompetent party-line president has buried America in a pit eight years deep--after what went down on the third night of the Republican National Convention, one thing you can't say is that Republicans are not out, loud and proud about their perpetual evildoing.

During his speech in St. Paul on Wednesday, Rudy "9/11" Giuliani--who (you might not remember because he hardly ever brings it up) was the outgoing mayor of the city that was the central target of the terrorist attacks on America on September 11, 2001, which the Bush administration inconceivably Play-Doh-Fun-Factoried into a rationale to start the Iraq War, which led directly to the energy crisis that is currently drowning the United States--actually got the entire crowd in the Xcel--ahem--Energy Center to chant, "Drill, baby, drill!" (as in: for oil, anywhere and everywhere, as opposed to exploring alternatives that would alleviate America's crippling dependency on fossil fuels and its resultant tendency to become embroiled in transcontinental fiascos in attempts to maintain said addiction). In response to Barack Obama's position that the Iraq War is a losing effort, Mayor Nine-One-One asserted that if America didn't win that war, Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda did. While this would certainly be news to Osama bin Laden--who has never had anything whatsoever to do with the war in Iraq (and who has yet to be brought to justice for orchestrating the most devastating attack on American soil in history, FYI)--the Sheepublicans in attendance at the Xcel Energy Center (seriously, that's its name) responded to Giuliani's asinine remark with resounding cheers. But they cheered even louder when Rudolph the World Trade Center-Nosed Reindeer, whose public identity is based entirely on the fact that he once ran New York City, attacked the Democratic presidential candidate with the baseless claim that Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 9000)--the former mayoral realm of deer-in-the-headlights Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin--was "not cosmopolitan enough" to earn Obama's respect. Honest to (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God, the Minnesota audience applauded that jab...paying no heed to the frying-pan-to-the-face irony that it was made by a person who is inextricably linked to a city that is not only one of the most liberal in America, but one of the most--if not the most--cosmopolitan on the planet (unless I was asleep while Manhattan was relocated to central Kansas for the duration of Rudy "Quick! Name the Two Different Numbers Closest to '10' that Combine to Make '20'!" Giuliani's eight years in office).

That average American's (provided that the average American has a net worth upwards of $52,000,000) straight-faced nonsense was, however, merely an appetizer to the brain-melting unreality that main event Sarah Palin--whose appearance on the podium was met with a standing ovation from some 18,000 robo-people that had never heard of her less than a week earlier--spewed forth in accordance with her masters' command:

WHAT SARAH SAID (in a falsely ad-libbed reaction to numerous signs throughout the Xcel Energy Center reading "HOCKEY MOMS 4 PALIN" that were suspiciously identical in their handwriting): "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick."

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That pandering punchline encapsulates the sole reason that the Republican party selected Sarah Palin as McCain's gimmick running mate: she has a vagina.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is an outsider to "the Washington elite".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Given that George W. Bush--who currently inhabits the highest position in Washington--publicly and heartily endorsed John McCain two days prior to Palin's speech, Palin's description of her running mate is dizzyingly contradictory...probably to no one more so than the man himself.

WHAT SARAH SAID: The fact that Barack Obama has written two books is a bad thing.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Having written two books is a bad thing only to people who hate thinking and reading (a.k.a. the Republican base).

WHAT SARAH SAID: In an attempt to mockingly exaggerate Republicans' perception of Democrats' perception of Obama, she alluded to the idea that Obama can "turn back the waters".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: She stole that joke from the previous night's episode of "The Daily Show" [jump ahead to 5:19]. (And she calls herself a right-wing extremist...)

WHAT SARAH SAID: Special interest groups and lobbyists were against McCain in 2000.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That's because McCain's opponent in the 2000 Republican primary, George W. Bush, had more money than McCain had and therefore had the support of special interest groups and lobbyists...which John McCain now has in 2008, while his opponent, Barack Obama, has refused to accept one cent from lobbyists or special interest groups since the start of his campaign.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is the only candidate who has literally "fought for you" (referring to McCain's military service during the Vietnam War).

WHAT REALITY SAYS: No, he didn't. I wasn't even alive then. Besides--despite John McCain's heroics (which the Republican party hasn't been willing to fully acknowledge until 35 years after the fact, when it finally suits their purposes)--the Vietnam War wasn't fought for the American people; it was protracted solely to stroke the egos of a megalomaniacal U.S. president--who had no business holding office in the first place--and his like-minded administration. Thank (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God that has never happened again...

Right, potential President John McCain?

Oh--you're asleep? Because you're an septuagenarian ass-kicked shell of a human being who will be dead much sooner than later?

I understand.

Just pass me on to Sarah Palin, then. I'm confident that she can take on your potentially globally-resonant responsibilities. After all, she has driven kids to hockey practice a bunch of times.

Heckuva Job, Liebie

Following his address at the Republican National Convention Tuesday night, former Democratic vice-presidential candidate/ current independent/desperate wannabe Joe Lieberman inadvertently said more about the Republican party's collective mindset than he could in a lifetime of speeches with five little words.

Faced with an NBC News reporter's inquiry regarding Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin's questionable readiness to become the most powerful person in the world should super-elderly Viet Cong-punching-bag-for-five-and-a-half-years John McCain's health fail, Lieberman demurely replied:

"Let's hope for the best."

Yes, Droopy Dog--let's do that. It's totally worked out for the last 8 years, ignoring the fact that the United States of America is in shambles courtesy of a staggeringly incompetent Republican president.

He's Her Son! (Slap) He's Her Grandson! (Slap)

It's a holiday weekend, so Metroville has decided to break the routine of linking to factually verified news stories and bring you some unsubstantiated spicy meatballs:

Newly minted Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's infant son is not her son; rather, he is her grandson, illegitimately birthed by Palin's 16-year-old daughter.

If that bit of insanity turns out to be true, I've hit the blogosphere jackpot. If it turns out to be false, all blame falls to the Daily Kos website.

The important thing is that you were impressed by my Chinatown reference.

UPDATE (09/01): Palin's baby is her baby...but her 17-year old daughter Bristol is also with child out of wedlock. Still scandalous, but not scandalous enough to qualify Metroville's attempt to move into the realm of hot-gossip blogging. Looks like it's back to linking CNN and MSNBC for me.


Thanks to Jennifer for the tip.

He Picked a Girl

After being roused from his nap and placed before a crowd in Dayton, Ohio, on Friday, John McCain asked the broad standing next to him to be a doll and fetch him his slippers.

He was quickly informed by his handlers that the woman was not a secretary but, in fact, the newly anointed Republican vice-presidential candidate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Further awkwardness was avoided by the arrival of Senator McCain's snack time.

Obamapalooza

John McCain wants people to believe that Barack Obama stands for no one other than celebrities. And, sure...on the final night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, famous faces Gymnastics Chipmunk, will.i.am, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and Academy Award-winner Al Gore all made appearances.

But so did Michael McDonald--a performer so unhip that it makes me, an unrepentant Huey Lewis fan, angry that the Democratic party did not first think to invite the News and their leader.

So I ask you, John McCain: who in his right mind would, in the year 2008, allow himself to be associated with Michael freaking McDonald if he really stood for no one other than celebrities?

Not Barack Obama--a.k.a. the next President of the United States of America, that's who.

Go back to one of your seven houses, "straight-talking" "maverick", and try to come up with a new argument before next week.

(Might I suggest racism? It's your ace in the hole, as it speaks directly to anyone stupid enough to vote for a third term of George W. Bush's policies.)

Don't Tell Me Who Obama Selected As His Running Mate!

I'm waiting until I get my text message on Saturday morning to find out, so I can Be the First to Know.

White, Christian Church's McCain Bias Almost as Surprising as Plot of 'Get Smart'

Given that I did not become aware of the "Presidential Forum" at the Saddleback Church/'Superchurch'/Christian Fundamentalist Nonsense Outlet Mall until a few hours before it commenced last Saturday, I was unable to fully comprehend the fact that Barack Obama had agreed to participate in an event designed by a white Christian conservative--Pastor Rick Warren, whose bestselling book, The Purpose-Driven Life, is so vacant and patronizing that it makes The Secret look like The Brothers Karamazov--for his like-minded disciples. All I could do was watch CNN in a partial coma as the presumptive Democratic candidate (who was--shocker!--allotted the opening half of the two-hour program) did his halting, not-so-successful best to ingratiate himself to an audience of whom the vast majority had already made up their minds that they hated him and his funny name and his big-word smart talk--never mind his horrifying skin tone--before John McCain was grandly presented as the main event and commenced to have the crowd eat out of his hand for the duration of the second hour by doing nothing but tossing out Republican catchphrases--"a union between a man and a woman", "the moment of conception", "offshore drilling", et al--at Warren's prompts. It was equivalent to a guest on 'The Daily Show' crying out "weed!" then sitting back while the obligatory cheers from the studio audience fill out his time.

After announcing at the start of the program that McCain would be interviewed during the second half and Obama during the first, Warren--like any false idol worth his salt would have done--attempted to jokingly offset any perception of bias by stating that the presumptive Republican nominee would be spending the first half of the show "in a cone of silence". The remark was a reference to a moment in the widely-seen trailer of the less-widely-seen 2008 summer movie Get Smart, and the Saddleback audience lapped it up accordingly.

With the exception of Steve Carell's valiant performance, Get Smart pretty much sucks (and is an insult to the legacy of the late Don Adams). Targeted as it was, however, at Americans who have no interest in originality or thoughtfulness or anything that might challenge their narrow-minded worldview, the film made for an ideal allusion in terms of Pastor Rick's purposes.

Also in term of those purposes...it was an outright lie. While Barack Obama was being asked the exact same set of questions that John McCain would be asked in the subsequent hour of the forum, McCain was not in a "cone of silence"; rather, he was in his motorcade--aboard the hilariously hypocritically-named "Straight Talk Express"--en route to Saddleback Church, having full access to any live television feed that his heart desired.

What do you think he and/or his handlers were watching?

If you can prove that it was anything other than Rick Warren's interview with Barack Obama, I will give you twelve kabillion dollars for every Academy Award that Get Smart wins next year.

Major American News Outlet Encourages Former Supermodel to Destroy Civilization

What gives, MSNBC? The news media had paid more than enough attention to the desperate attempt for self-promotion that was Tyra Banks' "imagine me as a super-hot Michelle Obama" Harper's Bazaar photo spread; there was no need for any self-respecting media outlet to take the non-story any further.

And yet, you did exactly that...in the process giving credence to nonsensical rumors that the poor man's Jerry Springer's pool cleaner has legitimate designs on becoming the First Lady of the United States of America.

People believe what you tell them, MSBNC. Therefore, what you've done is fast-tracked the potential for the death of not only America but humanity-based democracy worldwide. I hope you're happy.

Three or four years from now, when Earth is a waterless rock and its remaining inhabitants live fearfully beneath the iron fist of World President Oprah and her army of vengeful zombie polar bears, will your remaining corporate representatives think this "scoop" of yours was worth it?

I'd like to think not...but, in all likelihood, no one will give a damn. We'll all be too busy watching season 9 of "So You Think You Can Dance Without Sufficient Oxygen".

(I'm voting for the one who's pretty!)

Those Hillary Clinton Supporters Sure Hold a Grudge

If I told you that a Florida man was arrested by federal agents on Thursday for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama, you'd probably figure, "Bush supporter," right?

Wrong. Although aspiring-bail- bondsman-who-lives-on-a-sailboat Raymond Hunter Geisel did allegedly say of the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, "If he gets elected, I'll kill him myself," he appears to be no fan of the current president-illegal, having allegedly also remarked that he wanted to "put a bullet in [George W. Bush's] head." Since you can't like McCain if you don't like G-Dub (and if you think otherwise, McCain has a bridge he would like to sell you), the process of elimination leads us to only one logical conclusion:

Would-be Obama assassin Raymond Hunter Geisel is a Clinton man.

What is with those people? Isn't it enough that the Democrats are going to let Bill speak at the convention? Talk about not being able to lose with dignity...

Obama Targets McCain's Base by Gaining Senior-Citizenship

If there's one thing John McCain has on Barack Obama, it's the elder candidate's trademark elderliness. Nobody does more voting than old people (regardless of their comprehension of the process), and the more mileage a presidential hopeful has, the better his chances are among the coveted demographic.

Since emerging as the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama made little ground in closing the superannuated-appeal gap between McCain--a septuagenarian white male who fought in a war and frowns at things--and himself--a comparative teenager whose skin tone is deeply alarming to the average Caucasian-American over the age of 60. The tide may very well turn, however, now that Obama--one day after returning from an overseas trip sealing up his bonus nomination as President of the World--has made a strong move to draw away McCain supporters by acquiring a hip injury: a.k.a. the international sign for advanced age.

It was a brilliant tactic by the Obama campaign, as senior citizens throughout the U.S. will now be unable to resist sympathizing with the presidential candidate that a large percentage of them had previously only known as "the black fellow". If McCain intends to counter this shot across the bow from Obama by "out-injuring" himself to an equivalent degree, his only option would be death...and that might hurt his chances in November.

Jesse Jackson Tries Out Other Direction of Apologizing for a Change

Jesse Jackson, who I am told is a reverend of some kind but is known primarily as a professional apology-demander, apparently had grown so tired of always being on the receiving end of mea culpas that he decided to see how the other half lives. He couldn't simply apologize for no reason, of course, so the first step in Rev. Jackson's experiment was to talk to a Fox News reporter about cutting off Barack Obama's testicles.

Having successfully accomplished Phase 1 of his plan, Jesse Jackson is now apologizing all over the place. I wonder which he'll decide he enjoys more: giving or receiving?