Time in a Bottle (of CoCo Butter)

THR, Esq. has torn away any lingering threads of legitimacy from NBC's attempts to paint Conan O'Brien as the bad guy in the 'Tonight Show' fiasco (or at least I think they have; legalese makes me sleepy): despite the network's previous claims to the contrary, O'Brien's original contract specified that his program was to air at 11:35.

[THR via Movieline]

The Blindest Side

Say what you will about Jay Leno, you can't say the guy isn't blessed by good timing (scheduling timing, that is).

The man who lucked out by booking Hugh Grant on "The Tonight Show" following the latter's solicitation arrest in 1995--which forever turned the tide in the Leno-vs.-Letterman ratings battle--and scored Kanye West on the premiere episode of "The Jay Leno Show" the day after West's ass-bananas Taylor Swift-usurping at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards has today completed somewhat of a hat trick:

On the very day that Conan O'Brien proved himself the bigger man by rejecting NBC's offer to remain the host of a bumped-to-12:05 version of "The Tonight Show" that would've accommodated Leno's merciless, self-serving quest to return to the 11:30 slot, who happens to be the lead guest on the canceled "Jay Leno Show"?

None other than Sandra Bullock, who is currently receiving acclaim for starring in a movie that made a lot of money for numbing NASCAR fans to their vague awareness of their own latent racism. Just as Leno used to be funny, Bullock once starred in Speed (which kicks ass).

Conan O'Brien Schools Jay Leno in Dignity; Comedy To Continue To Suffer as Result

Jay Leno hasn't been funny on television since he snookered the "Tonight Show" gig out from under the heels of the vastly-more-deserving David Letterman in 1992. In the years hence, Letterman has continued to rock-the-party hard (perchance a little too hard?) while Leno has stripped away every last piece of himself that used to be funny in order to cater to the George W. Bush-fetishizing, teabagging middle-Americans (who hate that goddamn nigger president SO MUCH--but not 'cause he's a nigger but 'cause he's whatever Glenn Beck says he is on the magic talkin' box) that've kept him chin-deep in vintage automobiles.

Leno chose to retire from "The Tonight Show" in 2009--a decision that he had announced five years in advance. When the moment arrived to hand the mantle to O'Brien, Leno--in all his narcissism--balked, making a deal with NBC for a new nightly show that would air before O'Brien. Now that "The Jay Leno Show" has spectacularly (and predictably) failed and with NBC proposing to keep both Leno and O'Brien via a Slap Chop bastardization of "The Tonight Show", Leno has one move to make if he has any modicum of decency and/or respect for his predecessors, his anointed successor, and the art of comedy as a whole--and that move is to actually retire.

So of course, he's not doing that, and Conan O'Brien is leaving NBC.

May Conan find a new show on Fox and crush Leno in the ratings.

[NYT via Movieline]

[UPDATE: In addition to my just being mean about Jay Leno, allow me to supplement it with some more nuanced thoughts from a top-shelf comedian (play the audio at the bottom of the linked page).]

Cash4Gold, MC Hammer Held for Questioning in Ed McMahon Death

Yeah, no, they aren't. Plus, one of them is a website.

But Ed McMahon is dead...and that is sad.

NBC Affiliate's Integrity Struck, Killed by Antique Car

When WHDH-TV in Boston announced that it would be airing local news at 10 p.m. instead of Jay Leno's as-yet-undefined suckfest, it was a proud moment for the city of Boston and a nice little kick in the pants to the deeply unfunny Leno--a native of Andover, Ma.--for his refusal to retire gracefully.

Nothing lasts forever, though (save for, apparently, Jay Leno's cock-a-roach of a television career)...and in the case of WHDH's halcyon days of integrity, the total came out to 11: on Monday the station officially surrendered to its corporate overlord and acquiesced to publicly embracing the network's unkillable jester.

Adding insult to injury, WHDH owner Ed Ansin was compelled to release a humiliating statement saying that "he enjoys Leno's humor".

For god's sake, NBC--why didn't you just hang the poor bastard in the public square?

'Le-Yes, Boston?' 'Le-No, Jay.'

Jay Leno grew up in the Boston area, a fact that I--as both a native of the Boston area and a fan of things that don't suck (the 1919-2002 Boston Red Sox, the 1993-2007 Boston Celtics and the 1959-2000 New England Patriots notwithstanding)--have always found to be bothersome.

Apparently, Boston itself was always bothered by it, too. The city's NBC affiliate has announced that it will not be airing Leno's new 10 p.m. talk show that is scheduled to premiere in September.

Perhaps Jay Leno finds this passive boycott to be insulting. If so, perhaps Jay Leno might at last consider how Conan O'Brien (himself a Boston-area native) feels about Leno's bait-and-switch refusal to retire and the resultant distraction from Conan's ascendancy to the "Tonight Show" throne.

Special O'Fiction

The White House is pooping its pants about it; Fox News is emitting a comparatively much more enjoyable discharge about it; Keith Olbermann is probably regretting allowing Craig Ferguson to promote CBS about it.

All of these people (and many others) are taking issue with the fact that President Obama, while appearing on "The Tonight Show" on Thursday, compared his bowling skills to those commonly displayed at the Special Olympics...but they're doing it for the wrong reason.

This is not a sensitivity issue: Barack Obama--who is neither mentally nor physically disabled--did not disparage Special Olympics participants by equating them to himself; on the contrary, he complimented Special Olympics participants by equating them to the freaking President of the United States (deliberately, it should be noted, which is a key distinction from the last guy). He was wrong to do so, however, based on factuality: Barack Obama has gone on record (as seen in the above video) that his best bowling score is 129; by comparison, the highest bowling score of note at a recent Special Olympics event was 39--which would have given Obama a ninety-point edge.

"Special Olympics", my ass, Mr. President. You would own that shit.