The Death of Ted Kennedy: Many Cons, One Pro

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy--the "Lion of the Senate"--passed away on Tuesday.

Being that I am both a native of Massachusetts and a big fan of the rare politicians who actually care about the people they represent, this bums me out to no end (not to mention that I'm probably going to have to put my dad--who is essentially a Republican--on suicide watch: that's the kind of effect that Ted Kennedy had on people...especially Boston-area Irish Catholics who are dead ringers for him).

The 'cons' of Teddy's death are plentiful and obvious. The top three:

(1) He's dead.

(2) It further jeopardizes the chances for President Obama's proposed health care reform bill to pass while maintaining any element of actual "reform".

(3) The ignorant, Bush-loving, hate-filled racist troglodytes of Fox News and their ilk are all but certain to raise the issue of Chappaquiddick in discussing Kennedy's death, thus emboldening the dumbfuck right-wing "Christian" conservatives--both in their general viewing audience and on Capitol Hill--in their anti-humanity opposition to the aforementioned health care reform bill.

However...there is one 'pro' to be found in this tragic loss:

Edward Kennedy--unlike his brothers--wasn't murdered by an anti-humanity nutjob.

Suck it, antihumans! You missed one!

All hail Ted Kennedy!

Metroville's Super-Secret Plot to Make All Poor White Americans Angry via Rich White Americans on Their Televisions Ruined

Could August 6th, 2009, have been a worse day for me? To prove so would be difficult, given three of my favorite things:

- iconic filmmaker John Hughes
- the Boston Red Sox
- my lifelong plan to snake my way into the American presidency only to reveal myself as a black person and do all kinds of scary black stuff to you fool-ass crackers.

What happened on August 6th, 2009?

(1) John Hughes up and flipping died
(2) the Red Sox got absolutely murdered by the Yankees (as a result of the "senior citizen starting pitcher" gag presumably set into motion by Ashton Kutcher)
(3) I, while searching for a long-buried personal document, stumbled upon a copy of my birth certificate (which I had retrieved many years ago in order to apply for a passport and then filed away)...only to discover that it is not a birth certificate--but rather, a "certificate of live birth".

Point '3', Exhibit 'A' (as in, "Ah hate dem white folk!"):


In light of the recent razor-sharp detective work of patriots such as Lou Dobbs, Bizarro Arianna Huffington and the on-air Muppets of Fox News in their holy quest to unmask America's current president as the partially black person that he truly is, you can bet my secret warehouse full of fried chicken and watermelons that there ain't no way, no how I'm ever again going to try to pass myself off as an American citizen.

In fact...it'd probably be best for me to leave the United States altogether and start my life anew in some exotic foreign location. Hawaii, maybe.

Glenn Beck Fatally Confuses Two Prepositions

When Stephen Colbert and the rest of the cognizant world mock Fox News' lunatic-of-the-moment Glenn Beck, most everyone understands that they are laughing at Beck, not with him. Most everyone but Glenn Beck, that is, for he has announced a comedy tour.

That's right, "comedy". As in, a deliberate attempt to be funny, live, in front of people. America has called Beck hysterically insane, and all he heard was "hysterical".

Unless you think that genuine mental illness is funny, I recommend staying the hell out of Denver, Phoenix, San Diego, Kansas City, Houston and Richmond, Virgina during the first week of June.

How to Succeed in the News Business Without Not Driving Into a Police Horse

Full disclosure: I actually don't know how one would do that.

You know who else doesn't? Fox WNYW reporter (and former police officer) Mike Sheehan.

Special O'Fiction

The White House is pooping its pants about it; Fox News is emitting a comparatively much more enjoyable discharge about it; Keith Olbermann is probably regretting allowing Craig Ferguson to promote CBS about it.

All of these people (and many others) are taking issue with the fact that President Obama, while appearing on "The Tonight Show" on Thursday, compared his bowling skills to those commonly displayed at the Special Olympics...but they're doing it for the wrong reason.

This is not a sensitivity issue: Barack Obama--who is neither mentally nor physically disabled--did not disparage Special Olympics participants by equating them to himself; on the contrary, he complimented Special Olympics participants by equating them to the freaking President of the United States (deliberately, it should be noted, which is a key distinction from the last guy). He was wrong to do so, however, based on factuality: Barack Obama has gone on record (as seen in the above video) that his best bowling score is 129; by comparison, the highest bowling score of note at a recent Special Olympics event was 39--which would have given Obama a ninety-point edge.

"Special Olympics", my ass, Mr. President. You would own that shit.

The President So Nice, He Took the Oath Twice

Since Chief Justice John Roberts painfully botched his attempt to ad-lib the recitation of the Presidential Oath of Office on Tuesday, President Obama and he decided to do the whole thing over on Wednesday, just to be safe.

Oh, and probably also to keep the right-wing nutjobs at bay.

Fox News' New Year's Resolution: Take the Subtlety Out of Racism

Yes, Virginia, the crawl you see above does read "LET'S HOPE THE MAGIC NEGRO DOES A GOOD JOB".

God bless us, every one.

Fox News Throws Sarah Palin Under the Snow Machine

I told myself after Kal-El won the presidential election last night that I would resist schadenfreude and avoid posting any anti-McCain/Palin stories for the foreseeable future.

That foreseeable future almost lasted twenty-four hours, then Wonkette posted the above video.

What gives, Fox News? Wasn't it just two months ago when you were hailing the pretty lady with glasses as the savior of your network mandate--I mean, the Republican Party? Looks like this ugly breakup could drag on for a while.

Jesse Jackson Tries Out Other Direction of Apologizing for a Change

Jesse Jackson, who I am told is a reverend of some kind but is known primarily as a professional apology-demander, apparently had grown so tired of always being on the receiving end of mea culpas that he decided to see how the other half lives. He couldn't simply apologize for no reason, of course, so the first step in Rev. Jackson's experiment was to talk to a Fox News reporter about cutting off Barack Obama's testicles.

Having successfully accomplished Phase 1 of his plan, Jesse Jackson is now apologizing all over the place. I wonder which he'll decide he enjoys more: giving or receiving?

The Most Stupidest Thing I've Ever Seen in This Tuesday

People who base their opinions on the opinions of celebrities are fools. People who may end up voting for Barack Obama simply because celebrities told them to are fortunate fools, given that--movie star endorsements notwithstanding--Barack Obama happens to be the only choice for rational human beings who want America to stand any chance of digging itself out of the quagmire into which it has been progressively stuffed over the last eight years.

As for people who may end up voting for John McCain because Stephen Baldwin--the honest-to-goodness least Baldwin (say what you will about Daniel, "Homicide" was a good show)--told them to...there simply are no words.

That did not discourage the ultraconservative Fox News from dressing the star of the crime against humanity that was the direct-to-DVD Slap Shot sequel in a suit and plopping him in front of the "Just In" cameras as an ostensible counterpoint to the vast wave of support that Obama has received from the entertainment industry. The resultant clip--seen above--is unintentional-comedy gold in its entirety; I've taken the liberty to rank and examine what I believe are the five best moments:

#5: 1:45 - 2:32. Blindly following a miscue from a rambling, anti-Hollywood question by "Just In" host Laura Ingraham, Stephen Baldwin pretends to forget the circumstances under which he came to appear on the program and tries to reposition himself as a regular fella raised in a hardscrabble environment--before Ingraham, contrary to her own purposes, inadvertently corrects him. It's like an attempted high-five that results in two bloody noses.

#4: 2:42 - 2:59. Drowning in his counterintuitive desire to politely bring an end to Ingraham's bashing of Stephen Baldwin's liberal yet far more successful brother Alec, the actor most recently known from "Celebrity Apprentice" blurts out: "If Barack gets nominated, I'll be moving out of the country," before quickly adding...

#3: 3:00 - 3:03. "...Now watch all the media have fun with that." Sir Stephen, if you are allowed to consider yourself a celebrity, I am allowed to consider this blog legitimate media. Therefore, I thank you: I am having fun with that.

#2: 1:24 - 1:44. "What's blowing [Stephen Baldwin's] mind" is that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, once rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, now stand united. According to the star of not just one but two ménage à trois movies who became a born-again Christian, such a change in viewpoint is not "authentic". One can only conclude that Stephen's boys George W. Bush and John McCain have, by contrast, always had each other's back.

#1: 3:33 - 3:45. Stephen Baldwin, celebrity Republican: "'Four more years of McCain is gonna be four more years of Bush?' That's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life." Where, oh, where could any right-wing zealot have picked up such poor grammar?

Perhaps movie stars can tell us!

Fox News Is About as Racist as Saddam Hussein Wasn't Responsible for 9/11

OMG can you believe it's been two days since Fox News referred to Michelle Obama as "Obama's baby mama" and the liberal media is still talking about it?

If the left-wing conspiracy had its way, people wouldn't have forgotten about Fox News anchor E.D. Hill describing an innocuous gesture exchanged between Barack and Michelle Obama as "a terrorist fist jab" (which is so last week) or Fox News contributor Liz Trotta openly wishing for Barack Obama's assassination (which is, um, last month! LOL) by now.

I swear, it's almost like an outspoken majority in the United States is finally starting to realize Fox News is run by an ultra-conservative with strong ties to the Bush administration or something and that administration came to power by illegitimate means then led the country into a war based on a lie or something and that pointless war led to the deaths of thousands of Americans or something.

WTVR! Heidi Montag says she's voting for John McCain so I'm totally doing that.

Bill O'Reilly Wants You to Know That a Lot of Black People Are Like Regular People

Who would have guessed that Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly was such a daredevil? He certainly proved as much when he recently ate dinner at a restaurant run by black people...in Harlem, where I understand a lot of black people live. Not only has O'Reilly stared death in the face in such a manner and lived to tell the tale, he has returned to enlighten the rest of the world of the fact that--get this--black people behave just like regular people in restaurants.

O'Reilly described his experience in Sylvia's as "like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun...and there wasn't any kind of craziness at all."

They were sitting? They were ordering food? And there wasn't any kind of craziness? At all? No murder, rape, or even one stolen television?

If your jaw isn't already on the floor in total surprise, you ought to wire it shut before you read this next bombshell: according to O'Reilly, "there wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M.F.-er, I want more iced tea.'"

Not one! Naturally, this revelation is hard to swallow...but Bill O'Reilly saw it with his own eyes, so it must be true.

Thank God (who I'm still going to assume is white unless Bill O'Reilly tells me otherwise) that there are people like Bill O'Reilly in the world, selflessly venturing into untouched lands of mystery like Harlem and Anita Baker concerts (where he discovered that sometimes black people wear tuxedos! just like regular people!) in the name of racial tolerance and understanding so we don't have to.

O'Reilly said that the experiences have made him believe that black Americans are "starting to think more and more for themselves." If there is veracity to that belief, it's a bittersweet truth...for it means that black Americans will never watch Fox News and learn of all the great strides Bill O'Reilly is making for them.