Time in a Bottle (of CoCo Butter)

THR, Esq. has torn away any lingering threads of legitimacy from NBC's attempts to paint Conan O'Brien as the bad guy in the 'Tonight Show' fiasco (or at least I think they have; legalese makes me sleepy): despite the network's previous claims to the contrary, O'Brien's original contract specified that his program was to air at 11:35.

[THR via Movieline]

Litigiousabunga

Nancy Cartwright, the actress best (read: only) known as the voice of Bart Simpson, is a proud member of that religion that charges its members money to get rid of the alien ghosts living inside of them. She is now using her lone sort-of-talent to advertise said cult, with predictably disturbing results.

I'm no lawyer, but doesn't Fox own the copyright on Bart Simpson? And if that character is being used for profit without their consent, don't they have the right to sue to bring an end to such infringement?

You're an international conglomerate, Fox! Get off your asses and sue Nancy Cartwright and Scientology before any more commercials like the one heard above melt my childhood memories like those aliens melted in that volcano (or something) in that book that that bigoted creep who lived in his mother's basement and is now a messiah wrote!

[YouTube via Defamer]

Does KFC Know About This?

Who'da thunk it: you need a permit to eat monkey meat in the United States. Better make sure your papers are in order, Colonel Sanders.

You Know How I Know You're Gay? Joe Satriani Is Suing You for Plagiarism.

It's common knowledge that anyone who is a heterosexual male over the age of 14 and in full possession of his auditory senses is required to dislike Coldplay if he wants to consider himself hip. This unspoken standard has presented a conundrum for me ever since Coldplay first entered the popular consciousness; while I fulfill all of the aforementioned requirements (especially the one about wanting to be hip), I am bitterly protective of my self-aggrandizing belief that I stand among the precious, enlightened few who know exactly why Coldplay sucks beyond the fact that The 40-Year-Old Virgin tells me so: their songs are shamelessly derivative; their albums are overproduced to the razor's edge of unbreathable sonic mush; their lead singer allowed Gwyneth Paltrow to name his children after a fruit and Charlton Heston, respectively. And yet, at the same time...I also kind of like them.

This seemingly irreconcilable internal conflict would have likely driven me to madness had it not been for the courage of '80s-era cheese-guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani to come forward and demand that Coldplay give him all of their money.

The fact that Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" really does kind of sound like Satriani's "If I Could Fly" is beside the point. What matters is the fact that a musician who hadn't been heard from in two decades--and who was only ever known strictly for playing the electric guitar, not for playing real songs with words--suing a band that is currently quite popular--but who, based on their technical merits, could easily fail to stand the test of time--for plagiarism is super-ironic. Irony is hip; therefore, Coldplay is hip (for a few hours today, at least); therefore, I (with acknowledgment to the same caveat) am indisputably hip.

But only because I don't really like Coldplay, unlike the rest of you losers.

Die Hard 5 to Pretty Much Write Itself

If I may be so bold as to predict John McTiernan's pitch for his next project, a return to the action franchise he helped build:

It's Christmas Eve and John McClane's (which family member hasn't he rescued from a hostage situation yet? his son?) son, who is a rookie corrections officer in a Los Angeles-area prison, is taken hostage during an inmate uprising. In order to infiltrate the facility and heroically save his boy, McClane enters a guilty plea--even though he TOTALLY ISN'T GUILTY--to charges of lying to the FBI about something he actually didn't have anything to do with. Seriously. He hardly even knew that disgraced private investigator. But he gets sentenced to four months in prison anyway--which is bullshit, right? So while McClane is on the bus to jail, his lawyer successfully appeals and the sentence is overturned. The end.

While acknowledging that the story has some third act problems, I've got to believe that such a film would at least be better than that Rollerball remake.

...And Justice for Rich Republicans Who are Friends with the Vice President

It had been touch-and-go in the month since Dick Cheney's former chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for his involvement in leaking the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame back in 2003, with President Bush appearing to waver on the question of whether or not he would pardon him. In the eleventh hour, our commander-in-chief has heroically stepped up and commuted Libby's sentence--effectively though not technically pardoning him because Libby will still have to pay a $250,000 fine and serve two years of probation--thus reconfirming his standing as Arguably the Most Corrupt and Incompetent President in America's History.

Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!

Rich White Kids Get Richer for Having Been Stereotyped as Rich White Kids

There's "I've been exonerated of a crime of which I was falsely accused" happy...and then there's "Ha-ha, we fooled you all and now I've doubled my trust fund, attendees of the poor-kids camp!" happy.

Based on the above picture, I wonder if Mike Nifong might try to re-open the case at least against the kid on the right before leaving office.

Iranian Porn Stars May Be Forced to Fall Back on Their Doctorates

Look out, suicide bombers! Your long-unchallenged claim to the Most Dangerous Job in the Middle East™ [Ed. note: results based on educated guess] is in danger of being usurped. If that news alone makes you angry, you don't even want to know who's poised to steal your thunder.

As of Wednesday, an approval by the Guardian Council (Iran's constitutional watchdog) is all that stands in the way of pornography being punishable by death.

Don't worry, Iranian masturbators. It's not the consumers of smut who are targeted in the bill that was successful by a vote of 148-5 (!) in Iran's parliament, but rather the industry's producers, directors, cameramen and actors. The biggest loss for you if the Guardian Council approves the bill's proposal to execute these "corrupters of the world" is that you might have to start developing a more vivid imagination. In my day, that's all I had if I didn't want to risk getting caught looting my dad's stash.

Spoiled Rich Brat Inexplicably Not Endearing Herself to Incarcerated Felons

If you were the billionaire parent of an obnoxious twentysomething who had never had to work a day in her life, possessed no talents discernible to the human eye yet was world famous simply for being the offspring of a billionaire and said progeny one day found herself doing a stint in the big house, would you (a) take the opportunity to examine how you might have played a role, perhaps through less-than-stellar parenting during her formative years, in creating your daughter's current situation or (b) arrange for your daughter to receive special treatment that only served to disregard and complicate the day-to-day existence of her fellow inmates, some of them potentially murderous?

If you chose (b), congratulations! You're a Hilton!

On Tuesday, (presumably) non-billionaire visitors to the Los Angeles correctional facility that Paris Hilton currently calls home--many of whom had waited in line for hours to see their imprisoned loved ones--were passed over in favor of Paris' folks, who got to scoot on inside just after their arrival to spend quality time with their sex-tape-starring, one-pucker-faced-pose-for-photographs-having, probation-for-DUI-arrest-violating masterpiece.

Judging by the reactions of the non-incarcerated visitors to the prison, this incident--combined with the fact that Hilton is staying in the medical ward of the facility, which is much more private (not to mention significantly costlier to taxpayers) than general population, despite showing no clear signs of illness other than vague rumors of a "rash" that briefly got her out of jail altogether last week--it's fair to assume that the people who are already living behind bars are none too pleased with their most famous neighbor.

I'm sure Paris will be fine, however. She'll just have to keep her head down until the prison talent show, where she'll no doubt win the adoration of all the inmates by displaying the many gifts that brought her fame and fortune in the first place.

Disposable Evil Sidekick to be Punished; Important Evil People Yawn

So Scooter Libby's going to prison for 30 months. If you think this is a victory against the corruption and tyranny of the current U.S. presidential administration, think again.

Guys like Scooter Libby are kept around by guys like Dick Cheney for the specific purpose of being thrown under the bus when the heat is on. It's the very reason Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor kept whoever Ned Beatty played around in the first two Superman movies.

And you know what? Libby wasn't even the Beatty character to Cheney's Luthor--that's lending him too much importance. He was more like Jon Cryer in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. (That's the one where, best I can remember, Superman battles a gay erotic dancer made of nuclear power or something.)

Scooter Libby Finishes Trial with an .800 Batting Average

Obstruction of Justice: Guilty.

False Statements to FBI Investigators about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

False Statement to FBI Investigators about Cooper Conversation: Not Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Cooper Conversation: Guilty.

Don't let that miss on the second false statement charge get you down, Scooter. You've proven yourself more than capable of inclusion on any one of a number of prison baseball teams.

Wait, So...He Doesn't Have AIDS?

Something is amiss in the Associated Press story that started making the rounds Tuesday evening reporting that Tommy Morrison--perhaps better known (to people who prefer crappy movies about white boxers to the real thing) for playing "Tommy 'Machine' Gunn" in the Rocky no one talks about than for his boxing career--who essentially retired over a decade ago after being diagnosed as HIV-positive, has been cleared to fight in West Virginia.

The thing that's missing? No one--including Morrison--appears to be making the biggest deal in the world out of the fact that he says he's NOT HIV-positive.

In my book, that's kind of the story here, not the fact that a boxer--HIV-positive or not--is going to fight John Castle of Indianapolis at the Mountaineer Racetrack and Gaming Resort on Thursday. If Morrison is, in fact, HIV-positive, then good for him that he's fighting again. If he's lying about not being HIV-positive, then why isn't anyone looking into this? (West Virginia apparently can't, because the state doesn't require boxers to submit to blood tests, but State Athletic Commissioner Steve Allred said he reviewed Morrison's medical records and consulted with the Association of Boxing Commissions' medical review committee, for whatever that's worth.) And if Morrison was, as he claims, misdiagnosed over 10 years ago and never had human immunodeficiency virus to begin with...how could such a thing have happened, and--perhaps much more puzzlingly--why the hell is he more interested in fighting John Castle of Indianapolis at the Mountaineer Racetrack and Gaming Resort than in suing the bejeezus out of every doctor, nurse and medical receptionist he's ever come in contact with since 1996, as well as possibly their extended family members, college roommates, and mailmen?

Were I in the position that Tommy Morrison is alleging he's in, I wouldn't be saying, "I'm negative and I've always been negative and that should be the end of it," as he told the AP over the phone. My quote would read more like, "I'm negative and I've always been negative click," because I couldn't end that interview fast enough to call my phalanx of lawyers.

But that's just me. Some of us prefer winning sums of money that would allow us to start a few banana republics to getting punched in the head repeatedly, while others...well, others might be crazy liars.


[Ed note: Yes, I'm aware that AIDS and HIV are two different things; I simply felt that the inclusion of the former made for a catchier title. Sue me. Unless you're Tommy Morrison, in which case you're not really into that.]

That Lawyer's in Trouble if Barry Bonds Ever Gets His All-Naturally Grotesquely Enlarged Hands on Him

The lawyer did it.

That's the word out of San Francisco, where today defense attorney Troy Ellerman--who has represented both the Bay Area Laboratory Co-op (BALCO) founder Victor Conte and its vice president, James Valente, in the investigation into the company's illegal activities as part of a federal steroid probe--agreed to plead guilty to leaking secret transcripts of grand jury testimony from an earlier phase of the investigation to San Francisco Chronicle reporters Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada. Apparently, Ellerman wasn't satisfied with the fact that he'd already guided both of the aforementioned clients to guilty pleas (the same plea that pretty much anyone who's ever been associated with BALCO has made...with one notable, bloated-skulled exception), so he decided to go the extra mile by falling on his sword. That guy must really hate Barry Bonds.

Williams and Fainaru-Wada, who used the information they found in the documents--such as the fact that baseball star Jason Giambi and sprinter Tim Montgomery openly admitted to having used steroids--to write a number of stories for the paper in 2004 and later the book Game of Shadows, which offered highly incriminating evidence against MLB-record-thief and all-around a-hole Bonds regarding his unbelievably obvious use of illegal performance-enhancing substances (it was also, surprisingly, kind of boring), had been facing jail time for refusing to divulge their source. Now they're off the hook while the finally-revealed man behind the curtain, Ellerman, will be going to prison for two years.

Personally, I think he should be getting a parade--but NOT one for "Most Reliable Lawyer Ever". I presume Victor Conte would agree with the latter condition.

Tennessee Lawmaker Hopes to End Abortion by Assigning Fetuses Paperwork

How is it that the people who view abortion as "evil" continue to come up with the most evil plots to try and forward their cause?

Republican Rep. Stacey Campfield has introduced a bill in Tennessee that would require death certificates for aborted fetuses.

If you thought the last part of that sentence read "death certificates for aborted fetuses," you are not mistaken.

Since Campfield won't openly cop to the obvious fact that the true goal of the proposed legislation is its would-be incidental result of creating public records identifying women who have abortions--thus potentially dissuading them from doing so--it only makes him look that much crazier. Good plan, Stacey.

[Ed. note: Since this story is so depressing, in an attempt to brighten it up somewhat I decided to post, in lieu of a photo of Campfield, one of fellow Tennesseean Justin Timberlake, who recent records indicate brought sexy back.]

Teacher to Fight Pornography Conviction Using "I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout No Computer Machines" Defense

In October of 2004, substitute teacher Julie Amero was assigned to a class of seventh-graders at Kelly Middle School in Norwich, Connecticut. Last month, she was convicted of exposing those students to pornography on her classroom computer, and today she is facing a possible 40-year prison sentence. (Tell that to someone who thinks that a career in education doesn't lead anywhere.)

Amero's excuse? She's practically a Luddite. The 40-year-old Windham resident with no prior criminal record is maintaining her contention from the trial that pornographic images kept popping up on the computer throughout the day in question, and--despite her most valiant efforts--her lack of technological savvy rendered her incapable of quelling the barrage of hardcore sex before it could befoul the once-pure souls of the children in her keep.

I have little trouble believing that an inexperienced computer user could fall victim to a pop-up storm, particularly if the machine in question was lacking in a firewall or any kind of spyware protection (as a computer consultant who testified in the trial confirmed that it was)...but I'm compelled to side with the jury on the fact that one very suspicious question remains:

Why didn't Amero throw a blanket over the computer or just unplug the damn thing?

A possible answer to that question? The woman is way into porn and likes sharing it with 12-year-olds.

Of course, I'm no lawyer.

UPDATE: Perhaps Amero could count on a Christmas miracle to get her out of trouble, seeing as she's married to Santa Claus.

Bank of America Won't Tell If You Aren't

In a move of bold defiance to the popular notion that large corporations are insensitive to the needs of the working man, Bank of America Corp. has begun offering credit cards to customers without Social Security numbers--"typically illegal immigrants", the Wall Street Journal helpfully points out.

According to the Journal, Bank of America tested the program last year at five branches in Los Angeles, and last week expanded it to 51 branches in Los Angeles County, home to the largest concentration of illegal immigrants in the U.S. (and me!). The bank hopes to roll out the program nationally later this year.

I think this ought to prove to all the capitalism-hating hippies out there that just because a company is incredibly rich and powerful, some--like Bank of America--will still go the extra mile to help customers who, for one reason or another ("the law", for instance), wouldn't normally have access to their services.

That is, of course, until said customer-in-need runs out of money...and then that dirty, lawbreaking Mexican better go back to his own country where he belongs.

Lawsuit Won't Stop Amazon.com from Fulfilling All Your Cockfighting-Related Needs

Following up on a threat made over the summer, on Thursday the Humane Society of the United States filed a civil lawsuit in District of Columbia Superior Court against online retailer juggernaut Amazon.com, accusing the website of illegally promoting animal fighting because it offers two cockfighting magazines for sale. The Humane Society is claiming that the magazines violate federal animal cruelty laws; Amazon.com's position is that refusing to sell books or magazines simply because their messages may offend is censorship...but one particularly astonishing fact has arisen from this dispute that, curiously, neither side is paying much heed to:

There are at least two magazines in existence in the United States that are dedicated to cockfighting.

One's called The Gamecock; the other, Feathered Warrior. What I've gleaned from the customer reviews (scroll down--they're worth a read) on Amazon.com is that The Gamecock is the New York Times of cockfighting magazines--the gold standard by which all others are measured (one reviewer actually states that the monthly contains "lots of sage advice from elders")--while Feathered Warrior, despite having been around since 1903 (according to its Amazon page) (and, for my money, boasting the superior name) appears to fulfill the market role of a distant second banana (while The Gamecock currently holds the 80th position in magazine sales on Amazon.com, Feathered Warrior is languishing at #928)...not so much the Pepsi to Gamecock's Coke as it is perhaps its Shasta.

The good news for both is that, as of this writing, the two magazines remain available for purchase on Amazon.com, who stands defiant in the face of the Humane Society's lawsuit. As Feathered Warrior owner-editor Verna Dowd, 77, told reporters: "The Humane Society are crazy people...I don't know what's wrong with them."

Amen, Verna. In a world where the practice of training birds to murder other birds for amusement and profit might possibly be seen as wrong...I don't want to be right.

'Law & Order' Star (hearts) Crime

Former Tennessee Republican Senator and current star of NBC's "Law & Order" Fred Dalton Thompson (he plays the District Attorney, who gets maybe two scenes an episode, thereby rendering calling him a "star" of the show suspect) showed up at the Scooter Libby trial today, explaining to reporters that he was there because he is "a friend of Scooter Libby and his family".

You see that, extreme right-wing conservative Republicans who hold blind alliegance to George W. Bush? Hollywood's not all bad. Just because an actor might play a person who stands for truth and justice on TV, that doesn't necessarily mean that in real life he doesn't publicly support perjury, obstruction of justice and the endangering of national security in the name of getting back at somebody who criticized the president. Perhaps there's hope for the godless entertainment industry yet!

France has been Cancelled

Today marks the beginning of a ban on smoking in public spaces in France, which essentially means the end of France. It might stick around for another year or so, but on January 1, 2008, when the ban extends to cafes and restaurants, the rest of the world can pretty much say au revoir to the whole (slightly less, by that point) stinking country.

How can the French government do this to its citizens? Along with cowardice, smoking--particularly smoking in cafes--constitutes France's entire identity. To imagine France without smoking is to imagine America without shooting deaths or morbid obesity--it just isn't the same!

In commemoration of this sad day, I encourage all French people to smoke 'em if you got 'em. Of course, you'll have to go outside to do so.

'Diddy' Not a Stupid Enough Name to Prevent Other People from Wanting It

You would think that an adult could voluntarily refer to himself as "Diddy" and be left alone, if not derisively laughed at by others. But the artist (?) formerly known as Sean "Puffy" Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy, aka Diddy, aka Diddy Kong (he hasn't actually started using that last one yet, but I assume he will) currently finds himself facing legal action from a London-based record producer named Richard Dearlove--who, for reasons unfathomable to man, also wants people to call him "Diddy" with a straight face.

Specifically, Dearlove wants people to know him as Diddy on MySpace and YouTube in Britain, and he claims that the American Diddy (the "real Diddy", if there could be such a thing?) has broken an earlier agreement not to let his MySpace and YouTube pages show their faces in Dearlove's territory and risk confusing residents of England as to who is the One True Diddy.

I don't know how you prevent web pages from being viewed by an entire country, but if Dearlove wins his court case, American Diddy is going to have to figure it out (and I'm sure he could--he seems quite computer-savvy) or change his name on the internets. Dearlove's lawyer is suggesting that American Diddy revert to a "neutral" name like P. Diddy (since when is "P. Diddy" neutral?), but I think that American Diddy should turn this lemon of a legal situation into lemonade and use the opportunity to once again completely overhaul his moniker. In addition to the previously suggested "Diddy Kong", he might also want to consider "Ziggy", "Twinkletoes", "Secretary Assface Fairypants", or perhaps "Guy Who Might Have Secretly Been Involved in Killing the Notorious B.I.G."

Hmmm. Maybe not that last one.