Ding, Dong (Etc.)

Nicely done, Mr. President.

Producing a falsely-doubted birth certificate and a highly-desired corpse makes for one hell of a week.

BEAT THIS HEADLINE:

"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"

I got one:

"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

'Small Wonder' Is Back!

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells indehiscent fruits on television) after some black rapper beat an old man in the race to let her mom be Vice-Secretary of Flag Pins and Machine Guns or something!

But now--just like her mom--she's on TV for absolutely no goddamn reason at all and making people-who-have-functioning-brains' brains hurt!



'Merica!

[NYMag via Movieline]

See You in Health

On Sunday night, after a hundred years or so, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill, sending it to President Obama's desk to be signed into law.

"Sweeping", of course, is a relative term, as the bill in question includes a number of compromises from its original intent--'cause politics totally rule--but insuring tens of millions of Americans who previously had no coverage and putting the abuses of private insurance companies in check is nothing to shake a stick at.

Plus, it'll make Republicans super mad.

'MA' Better Blues

As you watch the video below, mentally exchange--

"Chris Parker" with "Massachusetts" (which would make "Oak Park", I guess, "New England")...

"Brad, Sara and Daryl" with "anybody who lives in America that doesn't have affordable health care" (which would, ironically, mean that they probably don't live in Massachusetts)...

"[Chris Parker's planned date with her boyfriend 'Mike']" with "the former law stating that vacated Senate seats in Massachusetts (such as that of the late Ted Kennedy) were to be filled via gubernatorial appointment" and "[Mike's canceling of said date]" with "the changing of said law in 2004 by overconfident Democrats who believed at the time that John Kerry was going to win the U.S. presidency"...

"Brenda" with "President Obama's proposed health care reform bill", and--

"[The] guys [who] are out to get [Chris and her charges]" with "rich white Americans (including most Republican lawmakers) and all other U.S. citizens too stupid to know better (which includes the entirety of the Fox News viewing audience)".



The major difference in this hypothetical (loss of rhyme scheme and rhythm notwithstanding) is that--unlike Chris, Brad, Sara and Daryl do in Adventures in Babysitting--most of their alternates aren't getting out of that blues bar alive. ("Brenda", meanwhile, already lies dead at a bus station, her corpse being desecrated in all kinds of positions by skull-fucking, psycho-rapist hobos (a.k.a. "real Americans"?)).

[YouTube; IMDb]

An M. Night Shyamalan New Year

Imagine that you're a racist, hate-spewing archconservative radio personality. Now imagine that Barack Obama has been hospitalized with chest pains. Would you make fun of that situation?

If so, you're Rush Limbaugh--and you're in the hospital with chest pains. BURN '010!

Health Care Reform in da House

On Saturday night, the House of Representatives finally, barely passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act. All it took was 219 Democrats and 1 Republican, the latter of whom likely wouldn't have voted for H.R. 3962 if the former hadn't agreed to go all Christian-fundamentalist on the issue of abortion.

But a win's a win.

That is, until the bill gets further bastardized or obliterated completely in the Senate.

American Homosexuals to Masturbate to Nudie Pics of Father of Iconic Conservative Republican's Bastard Grandchild

...Just another day in Sodom.

Republican Attempts to Turn Presidential Speech Into 'Jerry Springer' Taping

"The Jerry Springer Show" has existed for eighteen years (and counting). Thanks to the pussy-ass liberal U.S. Constitooshun--

Except for the part about guns; that gun part is awesome cuz it’s all like RAT-A-TAT-TAT BLOOSH KA-POW ZEEEEEEEEEEOW KER-BLAM ‘SPLODE GUTS BLOOD GRENADE TAKE THAT [MOM AND/OR DAD AND/OR SMALL PENIS AND/OR SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF SUB-PAR EDUCATION] FUCK YOU [SEX WITHOUT CRYING]!

--and prolly a buncha faggot Mexican science teachers who think they know how to spell "Constitution" and "probably" (not to mention "bunch of" and "Americans") better than real Merokins, that’s already ten more years than "The George Dubya Administration", a program that was not only cut from the mold of "Springer"--what with its senseless violence cheered on by a reactionary score of toothless inbreds ravenous to see stuff done git smashed without caring what (or why or where) that stuff was--but totally improved upon it.

If you're a real Merokin like me, who loves the "Springer" show and loved the "Dubya" show even more, you were doubt no mad as (white Christian) hell when, on Wednesday night, America's Negro President--who I don't hate because he's a Negro; according to Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, I just hate him because he wasn't born in America and/or because he wants to kill Sarah Palin's grandma and/or because he's a goddamn nigg--

Er, that is, "because he wrote a book"...

--showed up on my talk-box talking about healthcare. To my chillins!

(Or least he woulda been talking to my chillins had not all of them passed out before Obama's broadcast as a result of their diabetes: my family currently don't got no health insurance thanks to the Jewish conspiracy to funnel the money from my unemployment checks (that I can't apply for cuz--as the insurance lady on the phone told me--the president is black) into Chinese-terrorist Canadian abortions. 9/11! Never forget!*.)

*Provided that you remember the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as the fault of Saddam Hussein and not the other guy that George W. Bush never caught.

Thank Caucasian Jesus for South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson: when Choco-Muslim Fake-President Handsome Mussolini O'Bortion dared to convey the (well-established) fact that the proposed Healthcare Reform Bill would not mandate coverage for illegal immigrants, he--and only he--had the courage to blurt out, "YOU LIE!"--in front of Congress and everybody.

It doesn't matter that Representative Wilson was repugnantly out of bounds with his outburst, nor that his assertion was incorrect. All that matters is that Joe Wilson did the best that anyone could do to prove one's dedication to former president George W. Bush:

He acted like he was on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Deliverance

If you liberal city folk who voted for Barack Obama thought that you were happy on November 4th, there's no way in hell that you were as happy as Republican-vice-presidential-candidate's-daughter-impregnator Levi Johnston, who knew then that it was it only a matter of time before he would be freed from the McCain campaign-orchestrated charade of pretending to want to marry that girl he knocked up. And now his chains have been broken.

The Republican lesson? Family values only apply to families of people who win elections.

Bush Stoically Concedes to Devouring by Velociraptor

You know that part in Jurassic Park where that guy is hunting a Velociraptor only to discover that he's actually been lured into a trap by another Velociraptor that was hunting him [clip above]? And right before he gets ripped to shreds, he goes, "Clever girl"?

This is like that. George W. Bush refusing to pardon Scooter Libby on his last day in office is like admitting that the Velociraptor that is about to kill you is clever--no more, no less.

The President-Illegal is dead, having been devoured by the Velociraptors of History (who also on Monday put Dick Cheney in a wheelchair). Long live the President-Actual!

President Who Didn't Give a Shit About You for 8 Years Desperately Craves Your Love

Having received his two weeks' notice to vacate the White House, George W. Bush has significantly ramped up his previous efforts to rewrite history and make it appear as though he ever cared about the country, the truth, humanity, morality, words or anything other than his sniveling, wretched self by self-publishing a book (a book! from the Bush administration!) entitled "Highlights of Accomplishment and Results".

Given that the online pamphlet clocks in at a whopping 50 pages--and despite that nearly half of those are dominated by pictures--it is likely that the outgoing President-Illegal had to have his legacy read to him. So, fine--that's one embarrassing mark on an otherwise spectacular presidency.

[via Gawker]

Fox News' New Year's Resolution: Take the Subtlety Out of Racism

Yes, Virginia, the crawl you see above does read "LET'S HOPE THE MAGIC NEGRO DOES A GOOD JOB".

God bless us, every one.

Northern Expulsion

As that crazy lady who didn't become vice president was wont to remind us, Alaskans like to shoot things dead. I'm pretty sure that she was talking about defenseless animals, not political aspirations...but her fellow statesmen have apparently seen fit not to draw such a distinction, first hobbling her own professional future, then--on Tuesday--putting a bullet between the eyes of an octogenarian convicted felon's career...on his birthday!

What happened to you, Alaska? You used to be cool.

(Oh, right--global warming.)

Fox News Throws Sarah Palin Under the Snow Machine

I told myself after Kal-El won the presidential election last night that I would resist schadenfreude and avoid posting any anti-McCain/Palin stories for the foreseeable future.

That foreseeable future almost lasted twenty-four hours, then Wonkette posted the above video.

What gives, Fox News? Wasn't it just two months ago when you were hailing the pretty lady with glasses as the savior of your network mandate--I mean, the Republican Party? Looks like this ugly breakup could drag on for a while.

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.

Then...

On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

Neo-Nazis Dream Big, Accomplish Squat

Say what you will about neo-Nazi skinheads Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman (I'd start with "they're kind of racist"), the young men certainly set lofty--and weirdly specific--goals for themselves. Not only did they plan to assassinate Barack Obama, the act was to have been their suicidal grand finale to a murderous spree that took the lives of 88 (because--follow along here--'H' is the 8th letter in the alphabet, so two 8s mean two 'H's and two 'H's obviously mean "Heil Hitler") African-Americans, 14 of whom (everybody knows that the number 14 is associated with the 14-word phrase, "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children") were to be killed by decapitation.

Before they were arrested in Tennessee on October 22, Cowart and Schlesselman managed to carry out exactly zero of their 89 planned murders.

Oh, well. Swastika for effort.

Nukular Safety Is Fer Queers!

I don't want to make the blanket assumption that anyone who supports John McCain is a hate-filled, proudly ignorant, mouth-breathing troglodyte...but after seeing the above clip from an event at Northern Iowa University on Saturday, wherein the long-off-the-rails Republican presidential candidate's insipid mockery of Barack Obama's concern for nuclear safety (boiling it down to "blah, blah, blah") is met with a fourteen-second ovation, I will absolutely make that assumption about anyone who attends McCain/Palin rallies.

Chicken McMugget

When the story broke on Thursday about a young woman in Pittsburgh having the letter 'B' carved into her face by a mugger after he saw her McCain bumper sticker, you almost had to be a little bit happy for the McCain campaign: finally--after all the treason-proclaiming, murder-instructing and out-and-proud-racist nutjobs that have emerged in support of the GOP candidate--they had a crazy person on the Obama side (and a big black one, to boot!) to point to in their defense.

That is unless you saw the above photo of the alleged victim, McCain campaign volunteer Ashley Todd, and noted the fact that the 'B' scratched into her face was backwards--as though it had been done in a mirror--as a sign that the other shoe would soon be dropping.

Alas, it has, as Todd confessed on Friday that she made the whole thing up. Not only was she not attacked by an Obama supporter (having etched the incriminatingly-positioned letter into her face herself), she was never at the ATM at which she had purported to have been mugged.

And the McCain Crazy Train (formerly known as the "Straight Talk Express") keeps on rollin'.