What Would We Do, Baby, Without Josh Groban Including 'Family Ties' in His Theme-Song Medley at the Emmys, Which He Did Not...Sha-La-La-La...

I'll tell you exactly what we'll do: we'll find out who Josh Groban is, and then we'll dislike him forever.

The "Two and a Half Men" theme was deemed classic enough by the producers of Sunday night's Emmy Awards telecast to warrant inclusion in Groban's (bizarre but impressively-executed) medley of well-known television shows' opening-title tunes, but the starter ditty from "Family Ties" was not.

Between the two aforementioned songs, which one is in your head right now?

Obviously, it's the theme from "Family Ties"--because that's the one that people have actually heard of...not to mention the fact that it also happens to be the greatest lyric-based (putting "Magnum, P.I.", "The A-Team" and "Knight Rider" out of contention) TV show theme song in history.

For the producers of the 60th annual Primetime Emmys to be so lazy as to allow such a heinous oversight would be equivalent to me not making the nominal effort to learn if Josh Groban is the same singer whose first name is "Josh" that I think is married to Katherine Heigl, who I think might be on "House" or something (I don't watch a lot of popular television shows)...which is exactly what I will not be doing, in protest.

The 80th Annual Academy Awards Honor 'The Sopranos'

When ABC cut to black just as Harrison Ford was about to announce the winner of Best Original Screenplay during Sunday night's telecast of the Academy Awards, I was surprised how long it took me to realize that it was not a technical glitch, but a deliberate (albeit somewhat dated) homage to the 'Sopranos' series finale.

It was strange enough that I suddenly found myself in the back of an ambulance, but the situation has grown even weirder: every time I ask someone to tell me who won for Best Original Screenplay, time seems to jump forward and I find myself in another location--all within Cedars-Sinai Hospital, at the time of this writing. I still haven't found out, and it's starting to get annoying. (Not nearly as annoying as that poorly-written movie Juno, naturally, but annoying nonetheless.)

So, seriously...who won?

Let's Stay Friends 4-EVA! (Or Until the First One of Us Explodes)

ABC News has exclusively obtained footage of an alleged Taliban "graduation" ceremony that was captured by a Pakistani journalist on June 9. The group of 300-some odd "graduates", which included boys as young as 12, was reportedly being dispersed to carry out attacks in the United States, Canada, Great Britain and Germany. But I think I speak for everyone when I ask the really important question:

Did they play that song by Vitamin C?

The leader of the team assigned to attack Great Britain, who was thoughtful enough to speak in English, had this to say to the assembled crowd:

"So let me say something about why we are going, along with my team, for a suicide attack in Britain. Whether my colleagues, companions and Muslim brothers die today or tonight, every drop of our blood will invigorate the Muslim (unintelligible)."

You've got to give him some amount of credit: at least that was more original than "San Dimas High School football RULES!"

Who Will I Not Watch on the Show That I've Never Watched Now?

In news that will no doubt stun those who like things that are not at all entertaining in any capacity conceivable to man, Rosie O'Donnell has announced that she will be leaving "The View" in June.

The official word on Rosie's departure appears to be that she is exiting of her own volition; however, her headline-grabbing feud with Donald Trump as well as her more recent public dig at Rupert Murdoch at the New York Women in Communication awards luncheon (which compelled "The View" queen bee Barbara Walters to state that she was "very fond of" Murdoch (and, hey--who isn't?) will doubtlessly lead many to suspect that O'Donnell was forced off the show.

Not me, though. I don't care enough to have an opinion. I'm into television shows that aren't a dire threat to humanity.

Oprah, Albom Renew Efforts to Eradicate Culture

If you like Oprah, that means you like whatever she tells you to like, and that means you like Mitch Albom...so have I got good news for you: Oprah is going to turn Albom's most recent bilious discharge of sanctimonious claptrap--or "book", as some choose to refer to it--For One More Day, into a TV movie!

(TV! That's where Oprah lives and everything with which you are familiar comes from and, ideally, returns to! Hooray!)

For One More Day, which tells the story of a suicidal baseball player who magically gets to spend a day with his dead mother, is a fine example of how far Albom has progressed as a writer since his first book, Tuesdays with Morrie, which tells the story of a sportswriter spending magical days with his dying mentor, or even his second book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, which tells the story of a dead man who spends a magical journey magically meeting people he has magically touched in his magical life.

Both Heaven and Morrie were previously adapted into TV movies for ABC (on which the filmed version of Day will also air), with Oprah holding the reins on Morrie...and as long as soccer moms and the infirm continue to worship at the altar of Oprah because she's friends with celebrities, she's ostensibly sassy, and/or other people do it (and we all want to be like other people, don't we?) and keep phonies like Albom on the bestseller list (along with pretending to be interested in Steinbeck, Faulkner, et al, after actively ignoring them your whole life)...there is no end in sight.

If I'm crying, it's only because I'm so happy about this.