Catholic Church: Boy-Diddling Priests Aren't Pedophiles--Just Filthy Homos

Organized religion ain't my thing, but I know many good people who are into it. A lot of them are Catholic (I was raised in the PepsiCo of faiths myself)...and I feel very bad for any of those folks who might've caught Bill Donohue's appearance on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and his unfathomable defense of the latest pedophilia scandal:

If a boy that is molested by a priest has reached puberty, Donohue claims, it's not pedophilia; it's merely homosexuality.

So it's being gay, you see, that's the problem. Not the forcible sexual assault.

Let me thank you in advance, Catholic Church, on behalf of the first rapist who tries that defense in court: "My client could not possibly have raped that woman, your honor, because she had pubic hair. I insist that the charges be dropped on account of the defendant being straight."

(Side note: Sinead O'Connor finally grew hair!)

[Crooks And Liars via Gawker]

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!

Because If She Hadn't Died, the Movie Would Probably be Nominated for Several Academy Awards

If you showered recently, it might be advisable to move along before immersing yourself in the continuing Anna Nicole Smith Death Fallout Sleazefest '07. The latest (and, admittedly, comparatively benign) development is that the producers of Ms. (or was it "Mrs."? has that been settled yet?) Smith's final thespian outing (one of whom, John James, appeared on "Larry King Live" the night of her death to help scuzzbaggify the proceedings) have gently implied that if she were still with us today, Illegal Aliens would be receiving a theatrical release instead of going straight to DVD.

Watch the above trailer and decide for yourself: Does Mr. James truly believe that Anna Nicole's tragic passing has robbed us not only of the woman herself but also of the opportunity to marvel at a tale "replete with metaphors of her life" (I assume he means that Anna Nicole's house was once spectacularly annihilated as a result of improperly-stored flatware) on the big screen...or is he more inclined to privately celebrate the fact that it was the best possible thing that ever could have happened to his destined-for-the-bargain-bin offering?

Perhaps we'll all have to wait until the DVD comes out in May to pass final judgment. After all, there's no way that brief tidbits of Chyna screaming at various pitches in harshly-lit settings that appear to be made entirely of cardboard can give one an understanding of the full scope of her performance.