The Acquittal of John Wilkes Booth

"A bullet to the head didn't kill Abraham Lincoln. It was...

[dramatic music]

"CANCER!"

[crowd gasps; monocles drop into mint juleps; several women "get the vapors" and faint]

That scene or one like it will be included in the never-to-be-produced revisionist screenplay that will be written if Dr. John Sotos' theory turns out to hold water.

Kansas City Royals Linked to Cancer

...In the sense that Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester has no-hit them both.

I'd imagine that Lester and his family consider the earlier victory to be far more significant in the big picture, but let's not discount the details of Monday's achievement:

- First no-hitter by a Red Sox left-hander in 52 years

- First no-hitter of the major league season

- 18th Red Sox no-hitter in history

- 2nd Red Sox no-hitter in as many seasons

- Major-league-record 4th no-hitter caught by Jason Varitek

- Only 2 walks allowed

- One-third of the outs came on strikeouts

- Lester's first career complete game

And the last person in the majors to throw a no-hitter? The Red Sox' Clay Buchholz.

Also, did I mention that Jon Lester had previously defeated cancer? My mom did the same thing once, and I used to be impressed by that...until today.

I'll resume returning your phone calls after you throw a no-no, Mom.

[Photo: Charles Krupa / AP]

Skin Cancer No Match for Confirmed Bachelorhood

Time and again, in the face of some pretty serious implications that he might have a friend or two named Dorothy, Anderson Cooper has persevered with nothing more than his own handsomeness and his feigned oblivion. If that little cancerous mole honestly thought it was going to take down the silver fox of CNN, it was out of its suspiciously well-groomed coconut.