Metroville's Super-Secret Plot to Make All Poor White Americans Angry via Rich White Americans on Their Televisions Ruined

Could August 6th, 2009, have been a worse day for me? To prove so would be difficult, given three of my favorite things:

- iconic filmmaker John Hughes
- the Boston Red Sox
- my lifelong plan to snake my way into the American presidency only to reveal myself as a black person and do all kinds of scary black stuff to you fool-ass crackers.

What happened on August 6th, 2009?

(1) John Hughes up and flipping died
(2) the Red Sox got absolutely murdered by the Yankees (as a result of the "senior citizen starting pitcher" gag presumably set into motion by Ashton Kutcher)
(3) I, while searching for a long-buried personal document, stumbled upon a copy of my birth certificate (which I had retrieved many years ago in order to apply for a passport and then filed away)...only to discover that it is not a birth certificate--but rather, a "certificate of live birth".

Point '3', Exhibit 'A' (as in, "Ah hate dem white folk!"):


In light of the recent razor-sharp detective work of patriots such as Lou Dobbs, Bizarro Arianna Huffington and the on-air Muppets of Fox News in their holy quest to unmask America's current president as the partially black person that he truly is, you can bet my secret warehouse full of fried chicken and watermelons that there ain't no way, no how I'm ever again going to try to pass myself off as an American citizen.

In fact...it'd probably be best for me to leave the United States altogether and start my life anew in some exotic foreign location. Hawaii, maybe.

Mumbles McSquirmy Wants to Babysit Your Nightmares

The name of Michael Jackson's upcoming tour is "This Is It".

It damn well better be.

Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger Enjoyed Working with One Another on the Set of 'New in Town'

You know how I know that? Says it right there in the CNN caption of the above file photo.

What's crazy is that, in New in Town, Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger play two people who don't actually like each other, at first.

That's movie magic for you! As well as, apparently, journalism!

White, Christian Church's McCain Bias Almost as Surprising as Plot of 'Get Smart'

Given that I did not become aware of the "Presidential Forum" at the Saddleback Church/'Superchurch'/Christian Fundamentalist Nonsense Outlet Mall until a few hours before it commenced last Saturday, I was unable to fully comprehend the fact that Barack Obama had agreed to participate in an event designed by a white Christian conservative--Pastor Rick Warren, whose bestselling book, The Purpose-Driven Life, is so vacant and patronizing that it makes The Secret look like The Brothers Karamazov--for his like-minded disciples. All I could do was watch CNN in a partial coma as the presumptive Democratic candidate (who was--shocker!--allotted the opening half of the two-hour program) did his halting, not-so-successful best to ingratiate himself to an audience of whom the vast majority had already made up their minds that they hated him and his funny name and his big-word smart talk--never mind his horrifying skin tone--before John McCain was grandly presented as the main event and commenced to have the crowd eat out of his hand for the duration of the second hour by doing nothing but tossing out Republican catchphrases--"a union between a man and a woman", "the moment of conception", "offshore drilling", et al--at Warren's prompts. It was equivalent to a guest on 'The Daily Show' crying out "weed!" then sitting back while the obligatory cheers from the studio audience fill out his time.

After announcing at the start of the program that McCain would be interviewed during the second half and Obama during the first, Warren--like any false idol worth his salt would have done--attempted to jokingly offset any perception of bias by stating that the presumptive Republican nominee would be spending the first half of the show "in a cone of silence". The remark was a reference to a moment in the widely-seen trailer of the less-widely-seen 2008 summer movie Get Smart, and the Saddleback audience lapped it up accordingly.

With the exception of Steve Carell's valiant performance, Get Smart pretty much sucks (and is an insult to the legacy of the late Don Adams). Targeted as it was, however, at Americans who have no interest in originality or thoughtfulness or anything that might challenge their narrow-minded worldview, the film made for an ideal allusion in terms of Pastor Rick's purposes.

Also in term of those purposes...it was an outright lie. While Barack Obama was being asked the exact same set of questions that John McCain would be asked in the subsequent hour of the forum, McCain was not in a "cone of silence"; rather, he was in his motorcade--aboard the hilariously hypocritically-named "Straight Talk Express"--en route to Saddleback Church, having full access to any live television feed that his heart desired.

What do you think he and/or his handlers were watching?

If you can prove that it was anything other than Rick Warren's interview with Barack Obama, I will give you twelve kabillion dollars for every Academy Award that Get Smart wins next year.

Skin Cancer No Match for Confirmed Bachelorhood

Time and again, in the face of some pretty serious implications that he might have a friend or two named Dorothy, Anderson Cooper has persevered with nothing more than his own handsomeness and his feigned oblivion. If that little cancerous mole honestly thought it was going to take down the silver fox of CNN, it was out of its suspiciously well-groomed coconut.

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!