BEAT THIS HEADLINE:

"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"

I got one:

"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

Republican Attempts to Turn Presidential Speech Into 'Jerry Springer' Taping

"The Jerry Springer Show" has existed for eighteen years (and counting). Thanks to the pussy-ass liberal U.S. Constitooshun--

Except for the part about guns; that gun part is awesome cuz it’s all like RAT-A-TAT-TAT BLOOSH KA-POW ZEEEEEEEEEEOW KER-BLAM ‘SPLODE GUTS BLOOD GRENADE TAKE THAT [MOM AND/OR DAD AND/OR SMALL PENIS AND/OR SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF SUB-PAR EDUCATION] FUCK YOU [SEX WITHOUT CRYING]!

--and prolly a buncha faggot Mexican science teachers who think they know how to spell "Constitution" and "probably" (not to mention "bunch of" and "Americans") better than real Merokins, that’s already ten more years than "The George Dubya Administration", a program that was not only cut from the mold of "Springer"--what with its senseless violence cheered on by a reactionary score of toothless inbreds ravenous to see stuff done git smashed without caring what (or why or where) that stuff was--but totally improved upon it.

If you're a real Merokin like me, who loves the "Springer" show and loved the "Dubya" show even more, you were doubt no mad as (white Christian) hell when, on Wednesday night, America's Negro President--who I don't hate because he's a Negro; according to Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, I just hate him because he wasn't born in America and/or because he wants to kill Sarah Palin's grandma and/or because he's a goddamn nigg--

Er, that is, "because he wrote a book"...

--showed up on my talk-box talking about healthcare. To my chillins!

(Or least he woulda been talking to my chillins had not all of them passed out before Obama's broadcast as a result of their diabetes: my family currently don't got no health insurance thanks to the Jewish conspiracy to funnel the money from my unemployment checks (that I can't apply for cuz--as the insurance lady on the phone told me--the president is black) into Chinese-terrorist Canadian abortions. 9/11! Never forget!*.)

*Provided that you remember the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as the fault of Saddam Hussein and not the other guy that George W. Bush never caught.

Thank Caucasian Jesus for South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson: when Choco-Muslim Fake-President Handsome Mussolini O'Bortion dared to convey the (well-established) fact that the proposed Healthcare Reform Bill would not mandate coverage for illegal immigrants, he--and only he--had the courage to blurt out, "YOU LIE!"--in front of Congress and everybody.

It doesn't matter that Representative Wilson was repugnantly out of bounds with his outburst, nor that his assertion was incorrect. All that matters is that Joe Wilson did the best that anyone could do to prove one's dedication to former president George W. Bush:

He acted like he was on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Metroville's Super-Secret Plot to Make All Poor White Americans Angry via Rich White Americans on Their Televisions Ruined

Could August 6th, 2009, have been a worse day for me? To prove so would be difficult, given three of my favorite things:

- iconic filmmaker John Hughes
- the Boston Red Sox
- my lifelong plan to snake my way into the American presidency only to reveal myself as a black person and do all kinds of scary black stuff to you fool-ass crackers.

What happened on August 6th, 2009?

(1) John Hughes up and flipping died
(2) the Red Sox got absolutely murdered by the Yankees (as a result of the "senior citizen starting pitcher" gag presumably set into motion by Ashton Kutcher)
(3) I, while searching for a long-buried personal document, stumbled upon a copy of my birth certificate (which I had retrieved many years ago in order to apply for a passport and then filed away)...only to discover that it is not a birth certificate--but rather, a "certificate of live birth".

Point '3', Exhibit 'A' (as in, "Ah hate dem white folk!"):


In light of the recent razor-sharp detective work of patriots such as Lou Dobbs, Bizarro Arianna Huffington and the on-air Muppets of Fox News in their holy quest to unmask America's current president as the partially black person that he truly is, you can bet my secret warehouse full of fried chicken and watermelons that there ain't no way, no how I'm ever again going to try to pass myself off as an American citizen.

In fact...it'd probably be best for me to leave the United States altogether and start my life anew in some exotic foreign location. Hawaii, maybe.

Panty-Sniffer Hopes to Kidnap, Drug and Eat Your Children on Christmas

Pictured above is Jedd Medefind of the Christian Alliance for Orphans; I know this because of the superimposed title.

But that's not all I think I know.

To wit:

(1) The two 'D's in Jedd's Medefind's first name refer to the "double-D" bra cup size. This means that Jedd Medefind is a pervert obsessed with feminine undergarments.

(2) The first syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "med", which is short for "medicine". This means that Jedd Medefind is a drug addict as well as a drug dealer.

(3) The last syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "find". This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find things to give drugs to and then have sex with.

(4) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "orphans", which refers to children. This means that the things that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and then have sex with are children--your children, probably...since that's also a thing I just thought of.

(5) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "Christian", which refers to Christmas. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and have sex with your children on Christmas, which is Santa Claus' birthday.

(6) Jedd Medefind's mouth is open in the above picture. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to eat your children on top of everything else.

Unless you love rape, the illegal drug trade, kidnapping, child molestation and/or cannibalism, and you hate Santa Claus, you will join me in boycotting Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans.

While it may be true that I made absolutely no effort to understand anything about Jedd Medefind or the Christian Alliance for Orphans beyond their names, I assure you that that does not mean that I am behaving like a fear-mongering, narcissistic twit...

Or at least not any more so than Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans (and this lady and these pinheads) are behaving in reaction to a movie called "Orphan".