Lance Bass Gambling That Some *NSYNC Fans Have Learned to Read

Speaking of people who aren't astronauts...former non- Justin-Timberlake-member of *NSYNC and current homosexual-at-large Lance Bass has announced plans to have someone ghostwrite an autobiography for him. Scheduled for publication in October, the book will be titled--are you sitting down?--Out of Sync. Get it? 'Cause, see, the band he was in was called *NSYNC, and now he's out of the closet.


Nothing? Well, I'm sure you'll put it together later.

E! Online has managed to scoop (and for some reason decided to publish) the exact amount of pages that Bass' memoir will contain, declaring the total to be 256. If you figure each chapter in the book will run between 12 and 15 pages, bringing the number of chapters in at about 19, Lance Bass' life story will probably break down as such:

Chapter 1: Growing up in Mississippi.
Chapter 2: Joining *NSYNC and meeting Justin Timberlake.
Chapters 3-17: Justin Timberlake.
Chapter 18: The astronaut thing.
Chapter 19: I'm gay.

That is only a rough estimate, of course, as I personally hope Bass will dedicate a few pages toward the end of the tome to explaining whatever became of Spider Head.

Protective Undergarments Fail to Protect Lisa Nowak from Getting Sh*tcanned

If driving halfway across the country while wearing adult diapers in order to attempt to kidnap and possibly murder a romantic rival because you found sexy emails that she sent to your man isn't the kind of behavior from its astronauts that NASA will condone, what exactly is? Traveling through outer space in some sort of fantastical rocket ship?

Whatever, nerd.

Crazy Diaper-Wearing Astronaut Lady: The Sexy Emails Factor

Earlier this month, when the news broke that astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak had driven over 900 miles while wearing a diaper to confront (and possibly attempt to kidnap and/or murder) a romantic rival (y'know--that thing they're not making a movie about), most people assumed that her behavior was unjustified. To those people I now declare: sexy emails!

It turns out that Nowak's rage may have been fueled by the discovery [Ed. note: not the space shuttle] of "steamy e-mails" sent to fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein--the object of her affections--by fellow Bill-Oefelein-sexer-upper Colleen Shipman--the object of her pepper spray. While Oefelein was aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery [Ed. note: not the act of uncovering sexy emails] in December, Shipman sent him an email which included the passage, "Will have to control myself when I see you. First urge will be to rip your clothes off, throw you on the ground and love the hell out of you."

After reading that, how could Nowak have been expected not to embark on a frantic cross-country drive with the possible intent of shooting Shipman, cutting her into pieces and putting those pieces into garbage bags? Now that this evidence has come to light, it's reasonable to assume that all charges against Nowak will be dropped, and the general public can focus its attention on the even more fascinating revelation brought to light by this story:

They have email in space!

The Most TV-Movie-Ready Thing You've Ever Heard NOT One Step Closer to Becoming a TV Movie; Granada America are Lying Shadeballs

NONE OF THE FOLLOWING THAT IS NOT IN BOLD, ORIGINALLY POSTED ON FRIDAY, IS TRUE.

BEGIN LIES:

Have you heard the one about the crazy astronaut lady who drove 900 miles in a diaper to try to kill another lady who was into another astronaut that the crazy lady was also into? Of course you have.

And in a development that should surprise absolutely no one (Defamer is already days ahead of the curve in narrowing down prospective casting choices), the film rights to Lisa Marie Nowak's story have been optioned [Ed. note: dead link]--specifically, the film rights to a New York Times article about Lisa Marie Nowak's story, written by John Schwartz. The production company who ponied up an undisclosed sum for the piece is Granada America--yes, the Granada America, producers of such legendary made-for-TV fare as the Jason Priestly vehicle I Want to Marry Ryan Banks and The Twelve Days of Christmas Eve, starring Molly Shannon. They have gone on record as saying that the story will be developed "either for a feature or television film".

If Granada America actually believes that The Stalker Wore Space Underpants: The Lisa Marie Nowak Story will ever see the inside of a multiplex--as opposed to the living rooms of proud, NASA-supporting Americans, where it rightfully belongs--they certainly are shooting for the moon.

Get it? The moon? That's where astronauts have gone on occasion!

END LIES.

Once the original link reporting this news had vanished, I was compelled to inquire further, and found this. Apparently, The New York Times is saying that neither the newspaper nor John Schwartz has or plans a deal with Granada. Damn you, lying producers of "But Can They Sing?"!

UPDATE (02/11/07): John Schwartz, the very man who wrote the New York Times article at this center of this story, has been kind enough to comment on this post and further clarify the matter. As you can see in his explanation of how this false report ever got out in the first place (his second comment--the fifth one down), he's taking the fact that his name and reputation were used in a big fat lie on the part of Granada America with more grace and maturity than I would have. Maybe that's why he writes for one of the most respected publications in the world and I often spent large portions of weekdays in pajama pants.

White Trash from Outer Space!

There once was a time when space travel was such a significant achievement that for a person to accomplish it more than likely indicated a level of character rendering him or her exempt from ever being qualified to appear on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Apparently, those days are over, as evinced by the kidnap-and-murder-attempting, diaper-wearing, git-yo-hands-off-my-man shenanigans of NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak.

According to authorities, Nowak, a 43-year-old married mother of three, believed a woman named Colleen Shipman was a competitor for the affections of Navy Commander William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut. This Oefelein guy must be quite the catch, because Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to intercept Shipman at the airport (where Shipman was flying in from Houston) and--disguised in a wig and trench coat--try to carjack her with alternating tactics of crying and pepper spray. She never got a chance to use the BB gun, knife, steel mallet, rubber tubing and garbage bags she had also brought along before Shipman drove away and contacted the police.

In all of this, what truly makes Lisa Marie Nowak an American hero--someone little girls all over the country can really look up to--is that she wore a diaper for the entirety of her 900-mile drive so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom. I have many questions regarding Nowak's actions--why not fly to Orlando? what were the garbage bags for, Shipman's body or her own pride? instead of going after Shipman personally, why didn't she use her expertise as a robotics specialist to build a giant robot to attack the woman for her?--but the one tactic of hers that I understand completely was the use of the diapers.

That's just common sense.