'MA' Better Blues

As you watch the video below, mentally exchange--

"Chris Parker" with "Massachusetts" (which would make "Oak Park", I guess, "New England")...

"Brad, Sara and Daryl" with "anybody who lives in America that doesn't have affordable health care" (which would, ironically, mean that they probably don't live in Massachusetts)...

"[Chris Parker's planned date with her boyfriend 'Mike']" with "the former law stating that vacated Senate seats in Massachusetts (such as that of the late Ted Kennedy) were to be filled via gubernatorial appointment" and "[Mike's canceling of said date]" with "the changing of said law in 2004 by overconfident Democrats who believed at the time that John Kerry was going to win the U.S. presidency"...

"Brenda" with "President Obama's proposed health care reform bill", and--

"[The] guys [who] are out to get [Chris and her charges]" with "rich white Americans (including most Republican lawmakers) and all other U.S. citizens too stupid to know better (which includes the entirety of the Fox News viewing audience)".



The major difference in this hypothetical (loss of rhyme scheme and rhythm notwithstanding) is that--unlike Chris, Brad, Sara and Daryl do in Adventures in Babysitting--most of their alternates aren't getting out of that blues bar alive. ("Brenda", meanwhile, already lies dead at a bus station, her corpse being desecrated in all kinds of positions by skull-fucking, psycho-rapist hobos (a.k.a. "real Americans"?)).

[YouTube; IMDb]

Attention, Football Fans of Maine

You like the New England Patriots? I do...because I was born and raised in Massachusetts--34 miles from Foxboro--where the Patriots actually play.

By comparison, your state [capital] is two states and 199.23 miles away from Foxboro--which is in Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage is legal.

You don't like same-sex marriage? Then you don't like the Patriots.

Go ahead and abscond to Canada...and its socialized medicine. (GASP!)

(Seriously, though, Maine: Fuck you.*)


*Not you, Stephen King... You love the Red Sox and are dope.

The Death of Ted Kennedy: Many Cons, One Pro

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy--the "Lion of the Senate"--passed away on Tuesday.

Being that I am both a native of Massachusetts and a big fan of the rare politicians who actually care about the people they represent, this bums me out to no end (not to mention that I'm probably going to have to put my dad--who is essentially a Republican--on suicide watch: that's the kind of effect that Ted Kennedy had on people...especially Boston-area Irish Catholics who are dead ringers for him).

The 'cons' of Teddy's death are plentiful and obvious. The top three:

(1) He's dead.

(2) It further jeopardizes the chances for President Obama's proposed health care reform bill to pass while maintaining any element of actual "reform".

(3) The ignorant, Bush-loving, hate-filled racist troglodytes of Fox News and their ilk are all but certain to raise the issue of Chappaquiddick in discussing Kennedy's death, thus emboldening the dumbfuck right-wing "Christian" conservatives--both in their general viewing audience and on Capitol Hill--in their anti-humanity opposition to the aforementioned health care reform bill.

However...there is one 'pro' to be found in this tragic loss:

Edward Kennedy--unlike his brothers--wasn't murdered by an anti-humanity nutjob.

Suck it, antihumans! You missed one!

All hail Ted Kennedy!

We Have Confirmed that His Last Name Is Also Massachusetts' Nickname. Now Let's Move On.

The good news is that Jason Bay, in his Red Sox debut, played a pivotal role in Boston's extra-innings victory over the Oakland A's. The bad news is that he's barely been on the team for twenty-four hours and the "BAY State" references--permeating the news media and, more tiresomely, handmade signs in and around Fenway Park on Friday night--have already worn out their welcome.

We can't be both a nation and a state, Red Sox fans. Also, Boston's a city. Also (and most importantly), in no conceivable scenario does a proper noun warrant such high levels of excitement.

Let's all make an effort to be more imaginative from here on out. We owe that much to Jay-Bay™. (See? It's that easy.)

Hillary Clinton of Arkansas by Way of Illinois Sucks Up To Football Team From New Jersey in Attempt to Please New York, Lose Massachusetts

"Clinton grinned and said, 'Hm, I wonder why,' referring to Obama’s support of [the] New England [Patriots]."

That legendary wit of Senator Clinton was unleashed to point out the likelihood that Barack Obama's decision was motivated by the fact that he has been endorsed by Ted Kennedy and a number of other prominent Massachusetts figures.

Way to stick it to him, Hill! You've no doubt been a Giants fan fo' life!

Thanks to Dave for the tip.