Iranian Porn Stars May Be Forced to Fall Back on Their Doctorates

Look out, suicide bombers! Your long-unchallenged claim to the Most Dangerous Job in the Middle East™ [Ed. note: results based on educated guess] is in danger of being usurped. If that news alone makes you angry, you don't even want to know who's poised to steal your thunder.

As of Wednesday, an approval by the Guardian Council (Iran's constitutional watchdog) is all that stands in the way of pornography being punishable by death.

Don't worry, Iranian masturbators. It's not the consumers of smut who are targeted in the bill that was successful by a vote of 148-5 (!) in Iran's parliament, but rather the industry's producers, directors, cameramen and actors. The biggest loss for you if the Guardian Council approves the bill's proposal to execute these "corrupters of the world" is that you might have to start developing a more vivid imagination. In my day, that's all I had if I didn't want to risk getting caught looting my dad's stash.

The Most One-Sided Swordfight Ever

Living what may be the adult video enthusiast's greatest fear (second, perhaps, to being caught by mom), Oconomowoc, Wisconsin resident Bret Stieghorst was attacked by a neighbor wielding a three-foot-long cavalry sword because he mistook the audio from a porn Stieghorst was watching to be the sounds of a woman actually being raped.

Apparently, the fact that he kicked in Stieghorst's apartment door to find the man completely alone and (one would reasonably assume) wielding his own, somewhat less museum-friendly weapon along with a DVD remote did not immediately lead James Van Iveren--the sabre-brandishing downstairs neighbor--to suspect that he had misjudged the situation...for he remained in Stieghorst's apartment, keeping him at bladepoint while he searched for the nonexistent female victim before finally leaving. One wonders if he apologized...or if he even allowed Stieghorst to put his pants back on during the detailed investigation.

Van Iveren, 39, has been charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon--the Holy Trinity of crimes for crazy-while-not-necessarily-murderous people. His excuse for not calling the police instead of taking imaginary matters into his own hands was that his apartment--which he shares with his mother--does not contain a telephone.

A thirty-nine-year-old man lives with his mother and doesn't own a telephone...and he doesn't know porn when he hears it? What an exciting new world awaits him if he ends up in prison.

As for Stieghorst--who was so shameless as to pose for photographs taken by the local news regarding this story [see above link]--he was clear to state that this incident, which might have caused a weaker man to reevaluate how he's spending his life, will not deter him from watching porn for a single second. A heroic stance for individual rights, to say the least. Rest easy knowing that the next time Bret Stieghorst beats off to a graphic sex scene featuring a staged rape, he won't just be pleasuring himself...he'll be pleasuring us all.

Teacher to Fight Pornography Conviction Using "I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout No Computer Machines" Defense

In October of 2004, substitute teacher Julie Amero was assigned to a class of seventh-graders at Kelly Middle School in Norwich, Connecticut. Last month, she was convicted of exposing those students to pornography on her classroom computer, and today she is facing a possible 40-year prison sentence. (Tell that to someone who thinks that a career in education doesn't lead anywhere.)

Amero's excuse? She's practically a Luddite. The 40-year-old Windham resident with no prior criminal record is maintaining her contention from the trial that pornographic images kept popping up on the computer throughout the day in question, and--despite her most valiant efforts--her lack of technological savvy rendered her incapable of quelling the barrage of hardcore sex before it could befoul the once-pure souls of the children in her keep.

I have little trouble believing that an inexperienced computer user could fall victim to a pop-up storm, particularly if the machine in question was lacking in a firewall or any kind of spyware protection (as a computer consultant who testified in the trial confirmed that it was)...but I'm compelled to side with the jury on the fact that one very suspicious question remains:

Why didn't Amero throw a blanket over the computer or just unplug the damn thing?

A possible answer to that question? The woman is way into porn and likes sharing it with 12-year-olds.

Of course, I'm no lawyer.

UPDATE: Perhaps Amero could count on a Christmas miracle to get her out of trouble, seeing as she's married to Santa Claus.