'Junior 2: Paternity Suit'

Good luck blaming this one on DeVito, ya jackwagon.

'Small Wonder' Is Back!

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells indehiscent fruits on television) after some black rapper beat an old man in the race to let her mom be Vice-Secretary of Flag Pins and Machine Guns or something!

But now--just like her mom--she's on TV for absolutely no goddamn reason at all and making people-who-have-functioning-brains' brains hurt!



'Merica!

[NYMag via Movieline]

Have You No Shame, Showtime?

I understand that it's difficult to always be second banana to HBO in original programming, but that is no excuse to have convinced "Californication" star David Duchovny to enter rehab for the same addiction from which the character he plays on the show suffers.

Lower-than-desired ratings for "Weeds" don't give any cable network the right to destroy a guy's family.

Grade School Confidential

I suppose once a television series--even an animated one--has been on the air long enough, life is bound to imitate it.

(Although on "The Simpsons", this story had a much happier ending. TV defeats real life once again.)

Gumbi Would Have Kept It in His (Her?) Pants

In a move that brings some much-needed diversity to the previously heterosexual-male-dominated field of sex scandals while perhaps not doing much good for her career, Louisiana State women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman has resigned over an "alleged inappropriate sexual relationship" with a former player on the team.

Typical that a woman is going to get forced out of her job for having sex with another woman in her charge. If a male college basketball coach were discovered to have been banging one of his male players, it probably wouldn't even be in the news.

Tom Brady's Sex Season Finished Much Stronger Than His Football One

Now it all makes sense.

When Tom Brady, one of the most clutch quarterbacks in NFL history, was intercepted by Marlin Jackson on what should have been the New England Patriots' game-winning drive in the AFC Championship Game four weeks ago, there was simply no explanation. Tom Brady doesn't fail when the game's on the line. The Patriots don't lose to the Indianapolis Colts. And the finger-pointing crybaby Gomer Pyle certainly doesn't fall ass-backwards into a Super Bowl Ring Giveaway by matching up against the worst quarterback to ever play in the game. But Patriots fans (and, let's be honest, anyone who recognizes the difference between what is fair and right and what is a grotesque affront to football, mankind, and even God) can now take at least a small amount of solace in the fact that there apparently was an excuse for all of these tragedies...

And it was Tom Brady's doggone virility.

How could Brady have been expected to keep his head in the game when he was faced with having to explain to his super-hot girlfriend Gisele Bundchen that his former, less hot but still very attractive (and certainly not deserving of the "aging B-list[er]" title the obviously jealous Boston Herald reporter Laurel J. Sweet assigned to her) girlfriend Bridget Moynahan was 2 months pregnant (now it's 3) with his baby? That's an impending conversation that no man--not even one as handsome and talented as the Patriots' #12--can completely put out of his mind in any situation.

Of course, it's technically unclear as to whether Brady actually knew about the pregnancy four weeks ago...but I refuse to accept the possibility that he couldn't have, because that would leave him with no excuse for the AFC Championship loss. And whether it's on the football field or in the bedroom, I know that in the final seconds, Tom Brady always comes through.

Teacher to Fight Pornography Conviction Using "I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout No Computer Machines" Defense

In October of 2004, substitute teacher Julie Amero was assigned to a class of seventh-graders at Kelly Middle School in Norwich, Connecticut. Last month, she was convicted of exposing those students to pornography on her classroom computer, and today she is facing a possible 40-year prison sentence. (Tell that to someone who thinks that a career in education doesn't lead anywhere.)

Amero's excuse? She's practically a Luddite. The 40-year-old Windham resident with no prior criminal record is maintaining her contention from the trial that pornographic images kept popping up on the computer throughout the day in question, and--despite her most valiant efforts--her lack of technological savvy rendered her incapable of quelling the barrage of hardcore sex before it could befoul the once-pure souls of the children in her keep.

I have little trouble believing that an inexperienced computer user could fall victim to a pop-up storm, particularly if the machine in question was lacking in a firewall or any kind of spyware protection (as a computer consultant who testified in the trial confirmed that it was)...but I'm compelled to side with the jury on the fact that one very suspicious question remains:

Why didn't Amero throw a blanket over the computer or just unplug the damn thing?

A possible answer to that question? The woman is way into porn and likes sharing it with 12-year-olds.

Of course, I'm no lawyer.

UPDATE: Perhaps Amero could count on a Christmas miracle to get her out of trouble, seeing as she's married to Santa Claus.

Russian Soldiers Putting the 'Service' Back in 'Servicemen'

For all the talk about how brave and hardworking American soldiers are, it appears they could stand to learn a thing or two from their Russian counterparts about just how to "be all you can be". For starters, they could force one another into prostitution more often, like the resourceful young men (and I do only mean men) of interior troops unit No. 3727, stationed in St. Petersburg.

The office of that city's military prosecutor is launching an inquiry into claims made by the Soldiers' Mothers group ("a leading Russian nongovernment organization championing soldiers' rights"--apparently through emasculation, if the group's name is any indication) that a conscript in the aforementioned unit was forced into part-time employment in the world's oldest profession by fellow soldiers who beat him and demanded that he earn money for them. This incident is far from an isolated one (or, if you will, more than just a "wham, bam, thank you...sir"), according to Valentina Melnikova, the head of Soldiers' Mothers, who told the Associated Press that "there are certain military units where such things come up every once in a while." (Insofar as I am less than fluent in the Russian language, I can only assume that some degree of urgency was lost in the translation of that statement.)

While Russia's Interior Ministry is hard at work attempting to discredit the conscript who made the claim, human rights activist Ruslan Linkov has stated that allegations about soldiers from unit No. 3727 being forced into the sex-for-pay game have been around for several years but prosecutors continue to ignore them. Linkov asserts that forced male prostitution among the ranks of Russian servicemen stationed at home has become "a professional business"...and that "generals and colonels [are] among clients".

You hear that, American soldiers? Members of the Russian military are so loyal to their superiors that they're willing to do whatever it takes--whatever it takes--to please them (or, if they happen to be a little higher up the ladder themselves, pummelling their subordinates into doing it so that they can make money)! I declare that the men (sorry, ladies, but I think it seems pretty clear where the demand lies) of America's armed forces must rally themselves at once to join the international prostitution race, before Russia gets too far ahead and we find ourselves in another Cold War.

Ralph Fiennes Likes His Women Airborne (and Possibly Trapped)

I've always presumed actor Ralph Fiennes to be somewhat of a bore, that his commonly respectable yet stuffy choices of film roles were a reflection of the man himself. Little did I know that he had already proven me wrong last month by letting his fun side out on a Qantas Airways flight from Australia to India, where he allegedly became "amorous" with a female flight attendant in the lavatory.

The flight attendant, Lisa Robertson, who as of yesterday has been suspended by Qantas, is denying that she had sex with Fiennes--that she, in fact, thwarted his inappropriate advances. Whether or not she's telling the truth is irrelevant, for all that matters is this:

Ralph Fiennes just became a little more interesting.

Jill Marie Moore is an Awesome Cheerleading Coach

They do things right at Ware Shoals High School in South Carolina. For example, on "college day", when the students are supposed to visit a local institute of higher learning to plan the furthering of their education (boooriiing!), the cheerleading coach, Jill Marie Moore, instead takes two of her best girls to a hotel room so they can all get drunk and have sex with a couple of National Guardsman (yay!).

The married-with-two-kids Moore, who now stands accused of all kinds of cool stuff--like regularly buying alcohol and cigarettes for members of her squad, bringing a cheerleader to the National Armory to distract employees while Moore had sex with her (also married) Guardsman lover, and having sex with a male high school student--is actually in trouble, because some people apparently don't recognize when somebody deserves a parade. The only person in the picture who seems to be on the ball is the Ware Shoals High School principal, Jane Blackwell, who's been charged with obstruction of justice for impeding the investigation into Moore's activities. (At least one person in that town understands the meaning of "teamwork" and "school spirit".)

In case you're worried about the two National Guardsman who had sex with high school students--don't be. The age of consent in South Carolina is 16--which both of the cheerleaders were--so they're in the clear. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Feigning Interest

Do you like dirty movies? If so, you are a disgusting pervert who should seek psychological counseling immediately.

Do you like movies that, while not sexually explicit, make you feel kind of dirty for watching them? If so, I urge you to enjoy the above music video. It's called "Feigning Interest", and it stars Josh Hopkins, who the internets tell me has appeared in films and on television.