The Most One-Sided Swordfight Ever

Living what may be the adult video enthusiast's greatest fear (second, perhaps, to being caught by mom), Oconomowoc, Wisconsin resident Bret Stieghorst was attacked by a neighbor wielding a three-foot-long cavalry sword because he mistook the audio from a porn Stieghorst was watching to be the sounds of a woman actually being raped.

Apparently, the fact that he kicked in Stieghorst's apartment door to find the man completely alone and (one would reasonably assume) wielding his own, somewhat less museum-friendly weapon along with a DVD remote did not immediately lead James Van Iveren--the sabre-brandishing downstairs neighbor--to suspect that he had misjudged the situation...for he remained in Stieghorst's apartment, keeping him at bladepoint while he searched for the nonexistent female victim before finally leaving. One wonders if he apologized...or if he even allowed Stieghorst to put his pants back on during the detailed investigation.

Van Iveren, 39, has been charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon--the Holy Trinity of crimes for crazy-while-not-necessarily-murderous people. His excuse for not calling the police instead of taking imaginary matters into his own hands was that his apartment--which he shares with his mother--does not contain a telephone.

A thirty-nine-year-old man lives with his mother and doesn't own a telephone...and he doesn't know porn when he hears it? What an exciting new world awaits him if he ends up in prison.

As for Stieghorst--who was so shameless as to pose for photographs taken by the local news regarding this story [see above link]--he was clear to state that this incident, which might have caused a weaker man to reevaluate how he's spending his life, will not deter him from watching porn for a single second. A heroic stance for individual rights, to say the least. Rest easy knowing that the next time Bret Stieghorst beats off to a graphic sex scene featuring a staged rape, he won't just be pleasuring himself...he'll be pleasuring us all.