Terrorist Attacks McCain

While more responsible bloggers such as myself have been reticent to rub the Obama victory in the faces of those who opposed his campaign, former would-be terrorist (who about 90% of the American populous had never heard of until Sean Hannity looked him up on Wikipedia) and current college professor William Ayers apparently holds no such qualms.

Using Obama's historic victory as a jumping-off point, Ayers has written a piece for In These Times in which he kicks John McCain while he's down, segueing abruptly from poo-pooing McCain for his usage of Ayers as a "prop" in his failed presidential bid into boldly denouncing McCain for...having participated in the Vietnam War. (Ayers also finds a moment to brag about having been mentioned on "The Colbert Report", which I would probably do, too.)

Really, Bill? Vietnam? You still think that's the first thing people should hold against John McCain?

I would have gone with the more recent constant lying or the baseless, often latently racist smears against Barack Obama or the complete abandonment of his principles in a desperate quest to win an office for no other reason than to satiate his ego.

Then again, none of those things happened in the 1960s, which was apparently the only decade when anything interesting happened in America. I guess you had to be there, which I was not.

Fox News Throws Sarah Palin Under the Snow Machine

I told myself after Kal-El won the presidential election last night that I would resist schadenfreude and avoid posting any anti-McCain/Palin stories for the foreseeable future.

That foreseeable future almost lasted twenty-four hours, then Wonkette posted the above video.

What gives, Fox News? Wasn't it just two months ago when you were hailing the pretty lady with glasses as the savior of your network mandate--I mean, the Republican Party? Looks like this ugly breakup could drag on for a while.

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.

Then...

On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

Rest In Peace, Obama's Grandma

Little more than twenty-four hours before she might [ed. note: that's a "might", mind you] have seen her grandson be elected as the first black President of the United States, Madelyn Dunham passed away late Sunday night at the age of 86.

Call me a cynical asshole, but if [ed. note: that's an "if", I hasten to point out] Barack Obama wins the election tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised to see John McCain, his campaign and his supporters attribute the outcome to sympathy.

And if they're going to think that, I'm going to have go ahead and think that Mrs. Dunham deliberately timed her death--not just out of love for her grandson, but for her country.

Boo! (Also: Booo.)

Don't find a still image of a misspelled word particularly frightening?

What if I told you it was taken from a nationally broadcast television commercial made by...a viable candidate for President!!

Happy Halluhwein!

5 Friends Vote: The Revenge

Remember that video that a bunch of famous people made a few weeks ago to celebrate Metroville's 300th post?

Now there's another one, featuring famous people who are even more famous (as well as some of the original famous people), and I'm beginning to suspect that the whole enterprise might have never had anything to do with honoring this blog.

(Stupid famous people. They think they're so cool, talking about "voting"...whatever the hell that is.)

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

Neo-Nazis Dream Big, Accomplish Squat

Say what you will about neo-Nazi skinheads Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman (I'd start with "they're kind of racist"), the young men certainly set lofty--and weirdly specific--goals for themselves. Not only did they plan to assassinate Barack Obama, the act was to have been their suicidal grand finale to a murderous spree that took the lives of 88 (because--follow along here--'H' is the 8th letter in the alphabet, so two 8s mean two 'H's and two 'H's obviously mean "Heil Hitler") African-Americans, 14 of whom (everybody knows that the number 14 is associated with the 14-word phrase, "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children") were to be killed by decapitation.

Before they were arrested in Tennessee on October 22, Cowart and Schlesselman managed to carry out exactly zero of their 89 planned murders.

Oh, well. Swastika for effort.

Chicken McMugget

When the story broke on Thursday about a young woman in Pittsburgh having the letter 'B' carved into her face by a mugger after he saw her McCain bumper sticker, you almost had to be a little bit happy for the McCain campaign: finally--after all the treason-proclaiming, murder-instructing and out-and-proud-racist nutjobs that have emerged in support of the GOP candidate--they had a crazy person on the Obama side (and a big black one, to boot!) to point to in their defense.

That is unless you saw the above photo of the alleged victim, McCain campaign volunteer Ashley Todd, and noted the fact that the 'B' scratched into her face was backwards--as though it had been done in a mirror--as a sign that the other shoe would soon be dropping.

Alas, it has, as Todd confessed on Friday that she made the whole thing up. Not only was she not attacked by an Obama supporter (having etched the incriminatingly-positioned letter into her face herself), she was never at the ATM at which she had purported to have been mugged.

And the McCain Crazy Train (formerly known as the "Straight Talk Express") keeps on rollin'.

Confused, Tired Old Man Tired, Confused

I couldn't disagree with him more.

I couldn't agree...with myself...I couldn't disagree...with myself...

Patriotism...God....

Zzzzzz, pudding, fail.

The Dos and Don'ts of Postponing a Presidential Campaign

DO: Mean it.

DON'T: Not mean it, get caught in your politically-motivated lie, then spend the next couple of weeks getting raked over the coals by David Letterman.

DO: It so that you can visit your sweet old grandma (who helped raise you) because she has fallen ill.

DON'T: Try to pretend that you have a grandma in a desperate attempt to keep pace with your opponent, for you might be as old as--if not older than--a large percentage of actual grandmas.

DO: Win.

DON'T: Lose. (But...black, gay, literate, female polar-bear-God-willing, Goofus...you will.)

You Know Which Presidential Candidate Is a Racist? You Might Never Know:

The white one.

Joe Biden Will See Your Retarded Son and Raise You a Dead Wife and Daughter

Thursday night saw the one-time-only 2008 Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and a Robo-Folksy Idiot-Bot. Save for the fact that at no point did Sarah Palin gnaw on her podium, things went more or less as expected.

5 Friends Vote

Look at all the famous people who turned out to celebrate Metroville's 300th post!

Also, they seem to be discussing something about voting.