The Ballad of John Demjanjuk

[opening guitar strum]

Gather 'round and let me tell you the story of John Demjanjuk--

Ah, forget this. I can't rhyme anything with "Demjanjuk"; I'm not even sure how it's pronounced. But the dude apparently had a hand in killing like 28,000 people during the Holocaust. He's going to prison.

[closing guitar strum]

Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.

Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

Ruh-roh.

Cheap racist jokes aside...this Kim Jong Il: is he seriously just out to kill everybody on the planet, or what?

When North Korea uses words like "soon" in describing their potential launch of an alleged communications satellite that a lot of other countries--like Japan and South Korea, who, geographically speaking, might know a little something--think is actually a ballistic missile capable of reaching Alaska, I can't help but get nervous.

Here's the hard truth, crazy BluBlocker-rocking old Korean lady: James Bond isn't a real person, so you're never going to get to meet him. It's time to accept that fact, and fucking cool it with the global-supervillainous shenanigans.

Julia Child Could Have Easily Killed You with a Pastry Brush

Bobby Flay has grilling skills; Rachel Ray has a contract with Dunkin' Donuts; Emeril Lagasse probably has Robert Urich's autograph. But there's one thing that no living celebrity cook has on the late Julia Child:

None of them was ever a secret agent.

The National Archives has released the previously classified names of nearly 24,000 members of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), the World War II-era precursor of the CIA...and Julia Child--the chef lady from TV!--is on that list. (Other inconceivables include Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg, Police drummer Stewart Copeland's dad and the guy whose life story inspired "Eight Is Enough".)

Take note, Food Network stars. Sure, you might sell a lot of cookbooks...but have you won any wars lately?

I didn't think so.

(You might still get a chance, though, if you're interested.)

K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".