'Small Wonder' Is Back!

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells indehiscent fruits on television) after some black rapper beat an old man in the race to let her mom be Vice-Secretary of Flag Pins and Machine Guns or something!

But now--just like her mom--she's on TV for absolutely no goddamn reason at all and making people-who-have-functioning-brains' brains hurt!



'Merica!

[NYMag via Movieline]

Catholic Church: Boy-Diddling Priests Aren't Pedophiles--Just Filthy Homos

Organized religion ain't my thing, but I know many good people who are into it. A lot of them are Catholic (I was raised in the PepsiCo of faiths myself)...and I feel very bad for any of those folks who might've caught Bill Donohue's appearance on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and his unfathomable defense of the latest pedophilia scandal:

If a boy that is molested by a priest has reached puberty, Donohue claims, it's not pedophilia; it's merely homosexuality.

So it's being gay, you see, that's the problem. Not the forcible sexual assault.

Let me thank you in advance, Catholic Church, on behalf of the first rapist who tries that defense in court: "My client could not possibly have raped that woman, your honor, because she had pubic hair. I insist that the charges be dropped on account of the defendant being straight."

(Side note: Sinead O'Connor finally grew hair!)

[Crooks And Liars via Gawker]

Republican Attempts to Turn Presidential Speech Into 'Jerry Springer' Taping

"The Jerry Springer Show" has existed for eighteen years (and counting). Thanks to the pussy-ass liberal U.S. Constitooshun--

Except for the part about guns; that gun part is awesome cuz it’s all like RAT-A-TAT-TAT BLOOSH KA-POW ZEEEEEEEEEEOW KER-BLAM ‘SPLODE GUTS BLOOD GRENADE TAKE THAT [MOM AND/OR DAD AND/OR SMALL PENIS AND/OR SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF SUB-PAR EDUCATION] FUCK YOU [SEX WITHOUT CRYING]!

--and prolly a buncha faggot Mexican science teachers who think they know how to spell "Constitution" and "probably" (not to mention "bunch of" and "Americans") better than real Merokins, that’s already ten more years than "The George Dubya Administration", a program that was not only cut from the mold of "Springer"--what with its senseless violence cheered on by a reactionary score of toothless inbreds ravenous to see stuff done git smashed without caring what (or why or where) that stuff was--but totally improved upon it.

If you're a real Merokin like me, who loves the "Springer" show and loved the "Dubya" show even more, you were doubt no mad as (white Christian) hell when, on Wednesday night, America's Negro President--who I don't hate because he's a Negro; according to Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, I just hate him because he wasn't born in America and/or because he wants to kill Sarah Palin's grandma and/or because he's a goddamn nigg--

Er, that is, "because he wrote a book"...

--showed up on my talk-box talking about healthcare. To my chillins!

(Or least he woulda been talking to my chillins had not all of them passed out before Obama's broadcast as a result of their diabetes: my family currently don't got no health insurance thanks to the Jewish conspiracy to funnel the money from my unemployment checks (that I can't apply for cuz--as the insurance lady on the phone told me--the president is black) into Chinese-terrorist Canadian abortions. 9/11! Never forget!*.)

*Provided that you remember the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as the fault of Saddam Hussein and not the other guy that George W. Bush never caught.

Thank Caucasian Jesus for South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson: when Choco-Muslim Fake-President Handsome Mussolini O'Bortion dared to convey the (well-established) fact that the proposed Healthcare Reform Bill would not mandate coverage for illegal immigrants, he--and only he--had the courage to blurt out, "YOU LIE!"--in front of Congress and everybody.

It doesn't matter that Representative Wilson was repugnantly out of bounds with his outburst, nor that his assertion was incorrect. All that matters is that Joe Wilson did the best that anyone could do to prove one's dedication to former president George W. Bush:

He acted like he was on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Panty-Sniffer Hopes to Kidnap, Drug and Eat Your Children on Christmas

Pictured above is Jedd Medefind of the Christian Alliance for Orphans; I know this because of the superimposed title.

But that's not all I think I know.

To wit:

(1) The two 'D's in Jedd's Medefind's first name refer to the "double-D" bra cup size. This means that Jedd Medefind is a pervert obsessed with feminine undergarments.

(2) The first syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "med", which is short for "medicine". This means that Jedd Medefind is a drug addict as well as a drug dealer.

(3) The last syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "find". This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find things to give drugs to and then have sex with.

(4) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "orphans", which refers to children. This means that the things that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and then have sex with are children--your children, probably...since that's also a thing I just thought of.

(5) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "Christian", which refers to Christmas. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and have sex with your children on Christmas, which is Santa Claus' birthday.

(6) Jedd Medefind's mouth is open in the above picture. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to eat your children on top of everything else.

Unless you love rape, the illegal drug trade, kidnapping, child molestation and/or cannibalism, and you hate Santa Claus, you will join me in boycotting Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans.

While it may be true that I made absolutely no effort to understand anything about Jedd Medefind or the Christian Alliance for Orphans beyond their names, I assure you that that does not mean that I am behaving like a fear-mongering, narcissistic twit...

Or at least not any more so than Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans (and this lady and these pinheads) are behaving in reaction to a movie called "Orphan".

Litigiousabunga

Nancy Cartwright, the actress best (read: only) known as the voice of Bart Simpson, is a proud member of that religion that charges its members money to get rid of the alien ghosts living inside of them. She is now using her lone sort-of-talent to advertise said cult, with predictably disturbing results.

I'm no lawyer, but doesn't Fox own the copyright on Bart Simpson? And if that character is being used for profit without their consent, don't they have the right to sue to bring an end to such infringement?

You're an international conglomerate, Fox! Get off your asses and sue Nancy Cartwright and Scientology before any more commercials like the one heard above melt my childhood memories like those aliens melted in that volcano (or something) in that book that that bigoted creep who lived in his mother's basement and is now a messiah wrote!

[YouTube via Defamer]

Does KFC Know About This?

Who'da thunk it: you need a permit to eat monkey meat in the United States. Better make sure your papers are in order, Colonel Sanders.

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

White, Christian Church's McCain Bias Almost as Surprising as Plot of 'Get Smart'

Given that I did not become aware of the "Presidential Forum" at the Saddleback Church/'Superchurch'/Christian Fundamentalist Nonsense Outlet Mall until a few hours before it commenced last Saturday, I was unable to fully comprehend the fact that Barack Obama had agreed to participate in an event designed by a white Christian conservative--Pastor Rick Warren, whose bestselling book, The Purpose-Driven Life, is so vacant and patronizing that it makes The Secret look like The Brothers Karamazov--for his like-minded disciples. All I could do was watch CNN in a partial coma as the presumptive Democratic candidate (who was--shocker!--allotted the opening half of the two-hour program) did his halting, not-so-successful best to ingratiate himself to an audience of whom the vast majority had already made up their minds that they hated him and his funny name and his big-word smart talk--never mind his horrifying skin tone--before John McCain was grandly presented as the main event and commenced to have the crowd eat out of his hand for the duration of the second hour by doing nothing but tossing out Republican catchphrases--"a union between a man and a woman", "the moment of conception", "offshore drilling", et al--at Warren's prompts. It was equivalent to a guest on 'The Daily Show' crying out "weed!" then sitting back while the obligatory cheers from the studio audience fill out his time.

After announcing at the start of the program that McCain would be interviewed during the second half and Obama during the first, Warren--like any false idol worth his salt would have done--attempted to jokingly offset any perception of bias by stating that the presumptive Republican nominee would be spending the first half of the show "in a cone of silence". The remark was a reference to a moment in the widely-seen trailer of the less-widely-seen 2008 summer movie Get Smart, and the Saddleback audience lapped it up accordingly.

With the exception of Steve Carell's valiant performance, Get Smart pretty much sucks (and is an insult to the legacy of the late Don Adams). Targeted as it was, however, at Americans who have no interest in originality or thoughtfulness or anything that might challenge their narrow-minded worldview, the film made for an ideal allusion in terms of Pastor Rick's purposes.

Also in term of those purposes...it was an outright lie. While Barack Obama was being asked the exact same set of questions that John McCain would be asked in the subsequent hour of the forum, McCain was not in a "cone of silence"; rather, he was in his motorcade--aboard the hilariously hypocritically-named "Straight Talk Express"--en route to Saddleback Church, having full access to any live television feed that his heart desired.

What do you think he and/or his handlers were watching?

If you can prove that it was anything other than Rick Warren's interview with Barack Obama, I will give you twelve kabillion dollars for every Academy Award that Get Smart wins next year.

American President-Illegal So Relaxed by Latest Vacation that He Inadvertently Speaks Truth

We've all been there: You take a job that you don't really want and for which you are vastly underqualified because the money's good, the perks are great and--most importantly--it's a real "fuck you" to your dad, who never thought you'd make anything of yourself. A year or so in, you're met with challenges of a severity that you could never have possibly imagined; unequipped as you are, you respond with a totally inappropriate action that only compounds your problems...and then another that does the same...and then another, then another, and another...and so on. But--because the perks are so great and you hate your dad so much that you don't want to lose the job--your only choice of recourse is to progressively remove yourself from reality, defending your actions with a deepening degree of ignorance as the years go by and the chaos that you wrought snowballs exponentially.

This tactic takes you only so far--six or seven years, maybe; eight, at best--and by the time you see the writing on the wall, you are pleasantly surprised to find that with the realization of your job's finality comes a sense of freedom. At long last, everybody else has gotten wise to what you knew from the beginning: you are utterly and hopelessly incapable of handling your professional responsibilities. There are papers to be signed and formalities to be dealt with, of course, so you'll have to stick around for a few months--but those are the months during which you can finally be yourself. A time that you can relax, use up your remaining sick days and vacation days, doing whatever the heck you want...all on the company's tab.

And when you're on the final leg of your all-expenses-paid vacation, perhaps in some exotic locale that you couldn't find on a map if your life depended on it, the reality of your situation finally hits you: you've got nothing left to prove, and no reason to hold yourself back. So, emboldened by alcoholic beverages and/or hard drugs and/or intense prayer, you decide to let it all it out, tell anyone who will listen what you really think. Maybe it doesn't fit with the company line, but it makes sense on a deeper, much more important level. It's what's right, in the big picture.

If you've ever done such a thing, good for you. Your expression was well deserved.

That is unless you were, at the time, the President of the United States...in which case you're an idiotic jackoff of an unprecedented degree who could have only done such a thing to mock your own country, every country on Earth and all of humanity.

(...and probably mostly your dad.)

Congratulations, Republicans

Thank god (the white, Christian God, of course) that I resisted the urge to let Barack Obama's Iowa victory make me even slightly optimistic about America's future.

True to shoot-themselves-in- the-foot form, Democrats made Hillary Clinton the winner in Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, thereby establishing that their party has absolutely no idea whom they want to represent them in the 2008 presidential race.

Sure, the New Hampshire Republicans likewise gave majority support to a different candidate (John McCain) than their Iowa brethren had...but, come on. Conservative White Guy-vs.-Conservative White Guy versus Liberal Black Guy-vs.-More-or-Less-Liberal-But-Really-Whatever-the- Hell-Will-Get-Her-Elected Woman? As if the latter pair has a chance in hell (the Jewish Mexican Satan's Hell, of course), now.

Welcome back to George Bush's America. It's like we never left.

White People Are More Afraid of Women Than of Black Men

The results from Thursday night's Iowa caucuses are in...and, on the Democratic side, Barack Obama has defeated Hillary Clinton. With this outcome, the voters of Iowa have made a statement: America is slightly less terrified by the idea of a black president than by the idea of a female one.

The Democrats aren't the only party poised to bring down the status quo, however, as from the Republican side likewise emerged an unprecedented presidential candidate. Instead of the familiar right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who usually emerges as the GOP frontrunner, the voters in Iowa have put their support behind former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, a right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who hides those qualities by looking like Gomer Pyle and amusingly being friends with Chuck Norris.

See you in New Hampshire, crazies!

Jihad-a-Bear

A British teacher at a school in Khartoum, Sudan, was arrested on Sunday and could face 40 lashes or six months in prison if formally charged and convicted. What terrible offense did this woman commit?

She allowed a group of 7-year-olds to name a teddy bear.

Gillian Gibbons' students voted to call their class bear "Mohammad", an option put forth by a boy of the same handle. The trouble for Gibbons is that "Mohammad" is not just the name of that little egomaniac, but also the Prophet of Islam...and rumor has it that Muslims tend to have fairly strong opinions about its use and application. Parents complained, Gibbons was arrested, and the school ("Unity High School", naturally) has been closed until January.

Whenever I learn of such heartwarming and perfectly reasonable occurrences like this one, I can't believe that there are people in the world--not too many, praise the Holy Ghost--who think that religion is a bad thing.

K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".

Jesus Built My Hot Rod

In the nearly 120 years since the invention of the automobile, the world's roadways have been an anarchic wasteland of hedonism and brutality, with the only institution to regulate motorists' behavior being something called "laws". Mankind has waited in vain for the one true authority on driving safety--a bunch of old men who live in Rome and say that they're best friends with God--to straighten us all out.

At long last...the wait is over.

On Tuesday the Vatican issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, citing that automobiles can be "an occasion of sin"--in the realms, for example, of drinking and driving, picking up hookers, and, um...not praying in your car. The document is officially called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road", and breaks down as such:

1. You shall not kill. Where have I heard that before?

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. No killing. We've established that. So this is more like nine commandments, isn't it?

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Drive with your eyes open. Check.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. But only if he has insurance, right?

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Pass.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. How curious, given who wrote these rules, that this one clearly does not apply to the super-old. I call shenanigans.

7. Support the families of accident victims. What if the victim isn't dead yet? This seems to be a contradiction of commandment #4.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. While driving? That seems pretty effing complicated.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. This one's for cup holders.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Ooooohhhhh...responsible towards others! I've been doing this driving thing all wrong, what with the always-trying-to-kill-people. Thank Pete you've explained the rules of the road for us in your own unique style, Catholic Church. Where would the world be without you?

I Love You, Pat Coyle

[Full disclosure: The source material in this post was snatched right off the coattails of Deadspin, the gold standard of sports-derived humor on the internet. I just couldn't help myself.]

As a Patriots fan, I used to be upset that New England puked up an 18-0 lead on the Indianapolis Colts in the 2007 AFC Championship Game in an eventual loss (you'd think that with eyes that big, Reche Caldwell could've not dropped a couple of passes) that allowed the Colts to go on and win a giveaway Super Bowl against a team led by the worst quarterback to ever appear in such a contest. And while I still think it would have been nice had Tom Brady not been able to get quite the early start on his offseason baby-making that he did, I have finally found something good that came of the Colts' Super Bowl victory:

The linguistic stylings of Pat Coyle.

Coyle, apparently, is the Executive Director of Digital Business for the Indianapolis Colts and as a member of the organization, he was able to partake in the Super Bowl ring ceremony Wednesday night. Let's ignore for our purposes the spurious validity of a team's "Executive Director of Digital Business" laying claim to a Super Bowl ring and focus instead on the magic that is Coyle's firsthand recap of the night's events.

The evening's alleged entertainment came courtesy of Sinbad (of "not being heard from in over a decade" fame), and one might presume that this cast a pall of sadness over the proceedings. Not in Indianapolis, and not for Pat Coyle! He in fact dedicates the bulk of his article to the altitudinous jokester, describing him as "flat out hilarious" and recounting an episode where he himself was "roasted" by Sinbad when he called into question Coyle's ability to assert himself in his marriage. Was Coyle angered by this affront? No, because--as he insightfully explains--"it was all in good fun." (He also unironically categorizes Sinbad's performance as "comedy".)

After expressing amazement over the fact that football fans in Indianapolis are interested in the Indianapolis Colts' Super Bowl rings ("Lots of people have asked me, 'are you getting a ring? did you get the ring yet?' and other similar questions"), Coyle backtracks to--from completely out of nowhere--drop some Jesus on us, describing how the appearance of a gospel choir helpfully reminded him that "all good and perfect things come from God."

He certainly does work in mysterious ways--I'll give you that much, Coyle. For while I had for many months been saddened by the Colts' Super Bowl victory, seeing it as a reminder of the Patriots' failure, I now see that it needed to happen in order to bring you into my life...and bless me with eternal gratitude for the collective fact that I don't live in Indianapolis and I never will.

Jesus in a Tree

And to think...I was worried after Molly Ivins died that there'd be nothing left in Texas but crazy. (You might have to select 'Play' on the video page.)

Kansas First State to Achieve Time Travel; Joins Rest of Country in 21st Century

Dorothy's not in Kansas anymore, and neither is God.

At least he's no longer superseding science in the state's classrooms, anyway, as the Kansas Board of Education has finally--after being the laughing stock of the country for refusing to move their thinking out of the Dark Ages for, well, pretty much ever--approved new evolution-oriented science standards for the state's public schools ("new" being relative to Kansas, as most people with the capacity for thought and reason have been on board the evolution train for the past century-and-a-half or so, going back to when Charles Darwin published The Origin of Species). The curriculum will replace the most recent ass-backwards mode of belief that had been officially sanctioned by the board--the "intelligent design" theory that was put into practice in 2005 (and is, contrary to its name, most stringently maintained by morons...like our president).

So congratulations, Kansas, and welcome to the future.

(By the way...God is going to be so pissed at you guys. When the Rapture comes next week, you're totally not invited! Suckers!)

I'm Pretty Sure This Guy is Jesus

Everybody's all up in arms because this guy, Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, says he's Jesus. Personally, I think he's talking sense. Here are three reasons why I believe him:

1) He says so. (Duh.)
2) He's got "Jesus" right there in his name. (I've got "Johnny" in my name, and I know for a fact that that makes me more likely than anyone who isn't named Johnny to be Johnny Cash and/or the guy from The Dead Zone.)
3) He also calls himself the Antichrist and has the number "666" tattooed on his forearm...which I think we can all agree are pretty Christ-like things to do.

Case closed.