Tom Cruise Totally Killed a Guy*

David Hans Schmidt, the controversial publicist who agreed to plead guilty to attempting to extort over $1 million from Tom Cruise for stolen photographs taken at Cruise's wedding to Katie Holmes that were allegedly compromising, was found dead in his Phoenix home on Friday of an apparent suicide.

A loss of any life (except for maybe Hitler's or anyone's in that vein) is tragic, especially in the case of an apparent suicide. One could argue that Schmidt's death would have been made even more unseemly, however, had the circumstances surrounding it in any way raised the slightest bit of suspicion that Tom Cruise could have somehow been involved...which he apparently clearly was not, because the cause of Schmidt's death was apparently suicide.

And the fact that Schmidt never ended up dead after he tried to auction off Paris Hilton's diaries, sell both a Dustin Diamond and a Tonya Harding sex tape or claimed to possess topless photos of rescued U.S. Army POW Pfc. Jessica Lynch should in no way cast any bit of doubt whatsoever on that apparent finding.


*In a movie I saw once where both Tom Cruise and the guy he appeared to kill were actually portraying characters other than themselves and nobody really died.

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!

Sorry, Ladies...Duckie Is Off the Market

When it comes to entertainment news, most blogs these days tend to focus their coverage on your Lindsay Lohans and your Paris Hiltons (and your occasional Angelina Jolie, when one wants to class things up). Where does that leave the internet peruser eager to stay informed of the latest ongoings in the personal lives of lesser-to-totally-forgetten celebrities?

Right here is where.

If for no other reason than holding the distinction of running a blog that featured the man twice in as many weeks, I'm here to tell you that Jon Cryer got married to Lisa Joyner over the weekend.

What are you going to do with that information?

Nothing?

You damn skippy.

Spoiled Rich Brat Inexplicably Not Endearing Herself to Incarcerated Felons

If you were the billionaire parent of an obnoxious twentysomething who had never had to work a day in her life, possessed no talents discernible to the human eye yet was world famous simply for being the offspring of a billionaire and said progeny one day found herself doing a stint in the big house, would you (a) take the opportunity to examine how you might have played a role, perhaps through less-than-stellar parenting during her formative years, in creating your daughter's current situation or (b) arrange for your daughter to receive special treatment that only served to disregard and complicate the day-to-day existence of her fellow inmates, some of them potentially murderous?

If you chose (b), congratulations! You're a Hilton!

On Tuesday, (presumably) non-billionaire visitors to the Los Angeles correctional facility that Paris Hilton currently calls home--many of whom had waited in line for hours to see their imprisoned loved ones--were passed over in favor of Paris' folks, who got to scoot on inside just after their arrival to spend quality time with their sex-tape-starring, one-pucker-faced-pose-for-photographs-having, probation-for-DUI-arrest-violating masterpiece.

Judging by the reactions of the non-incarcerated visitors to the prison, this incident--combined with the fact that Hilton is staying in the medical ward of the facility, which is much more private (not to mention significantly costlier to taxpayers) than general population, despite showing no clear signs of illness other than vague rumors of a "rash" that briefly got her out of jail altogether last week--it's fair to assume that the people who are already living behind bars are none too pleased with their most famous neighbor.

I'm sure Paris will be fine, however. She'll just have to keep her head down until the prison talent show, where she'll no doubt win the adoration of all the inmates by displaying the many gifts that brought her fame and fortune in the first place.

Spoiled Billionaire Heiress Nothing Like That Other Spoiled Billionaire Hereiss, Says Spoiled Billionaire Heiress in Question

If you think that Ivanka Trump is in any way similar to Paris Hilton, you must be a dumb poor person. MSNBC.com is reporting the 25-year-old former model has had just about enough of being compared to the 26-year-old celebutard nonpareil, claiming that--unlike Paris--she works long hours (for her father Donald Trump) and bought her house (from her father Donald Trump).

That's all the evidence I need to know that Ivanka doesn't live with a sense of entitlement, for it clearly illustrates that the plucky, do-it-herself gal (and star of the documentary Born Rich) barely even associates with her progenitor. When she says, "it was always made very clear to me that things wouldn’t just be given to me," I believe her.

That $1.5 million condo at the Trump Park Avenue, for example? She earned it.