Corey Haim Is Dead

Now let us all 1980s'-nostalgia-fueled hipsters commence pretending that we didn't see this coming ten years ago nor were we making jokes about it.

Quick! Name Your Favorite DJ AM Song.

Unless you count the late Adam Goldstein's involvement with Crazy Town--which you didn't remember/know about until you read it just now--in which case you maybe recall the title of that one song they were known for--and even then, you can't, because to consider "Butterfly" DJ AM's song is to attribute "Push It" primarily to Spinderella--you can't.

But, as long as you're a proper narcissist, that hasn't stopped you from Tweeting your sadness about DJ AM's death, has it? Because he was on "Entourage" once and that makes him important...or at least certainly more so than the four people who didn't miraculously survive that plane crash last September and therefore had no chance to celebrate their new lease on life by fatally OD'ing less than twelve months later.

Those people never dated Nicole Richie and therefore do not warrant a second thought from the likes of John Mayer or any former cast member of "That '70s Show".*


*[Ed. note: I'll allow that Danny Masterson may have (along with Travis Barker and Goldstein's family members) actually known DJ AM as a human being and is therefore genuinely impacted by his death; Demi Moore's trucker-hat rack, on the other hand, gets no such pass.]

90% of U.S. Money Laced with Cocaine

Thank god my mom's in Europe right now.

She'll be back within two weeks from the time of this posting, America, at which point you will have two options: (A) stop using cocaine or (B) switch to the peso standard.

Although...if we're talking Mexican pesos...

Forget option 'B'. Either (A) stop using cocaine or (C) stop using money. Trade animals for goods instead.

Although...

Paula Abdul Doesn't Know About TV

"I've never been drunk in my life," said Paula Abdul, the lady who looks drunk all the time on "American Idol".

So that settles it: it's pills.

"Never," said Paula Abdul--the lady on "American Idol" who always behaves as though she just ate a whole Christmas turkey stuffed with Xanax--in response to her rumored prescription-drug abuse.

Well, I'm stumped.

MC Skat Kat? Coach of the Mighty Ducks? Do you guys have any theories?

Oh, that's right--neither one of you has ever met Paula Abdul, as far as she knows.

The mystery continues...

[Access Hollywood]

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!

BREAKING: Hillbilly Enjoys Drinking Alcohol

MSNBC is reporting that the recently-rehabbed Britney Spears is back on the sauce. Friends are concerned that the facts that the pop star fired her manager, Larry Rudolph, who had encouraged Spears to get sober in the first place, and spoke out against her own father for having defended Rudolph to the media may indicate that she is unwilling to confront her addiction.

In equally surprising news, the earth continues to revolve around the sun.

Keith Richards Will Share with Anybody

When the Rolling Stones perform for more than 100,000 people at the Hippodrome in Belgrade on July 14, they will be doing so a few meters from 300 stabled horses (the Hippodrome, Belgrade's largest fenced space, is a racecourse). They've decided to do the horses a solid by pumping every last one of them full of dope--at no charge--during the concert, but a bunch of square Serb animal lovers aren't down with that plan. Serbia's biggest animal protection society, ORCA, wants the show to be moved to another venue, claiming that it would be damaging for the party-hearty quadrupeds.

We all know what the real reason is, though: They just don't know how to rock.

In Fairness to Paula, Who Is?

"American Idol" judge/mess Paula Abdul continues to demonstrate for the world the terrible side effects of chronic cheerleading-accident-related neck pain (and not, mind you, drug abuse), most recently showing that people in her condition think that Southwest Airlines, the airline that boards like a bus, has a first-class section.

When Abdul discovered that this was not true while boarding a flight from San Jose to Burbank, she still attempted to receive VIP treatment, with results she probably found less than completely satisfactory.

After she asked to be seated ahead of everyone else and was denied, Abdul reportedly remarked, "But I’m famous! I need to go on first!” Overhearing that comment, one of her fellow passengers shouted: "You're no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else."

Following this humiliation, Abdul understandably tried to seal herself off from the rest of the passengers, attempting to keep the seat next to her empty as the plane was boarding. However, because the flight was full, this plan proved unsuccessful, and Abdul was forced to endure the trip rubbing elbows with one of the mortals who had discovered her terrible secret: She is, in fact, not a partially brain dead, completely tone deaf, tragically self-unaware seventeen-year-old homosexual boy of Indian descent.

But she is about half of those things, and that ain't bad.