Bush Stoically Concedes to Devouring by Velociraptor

You know that part in Jurassic Park where that guy is hunting a Velociraptor only to discover that he's actually been lured into a trap by another Velociraptor that was hunting him [clip above]? And right before he gets ripped to shreds, he goes, "Clever girl"?

This is like that. George W. Bush refusing to pardon Scooter Libby on his last day in office is like admitting that the Velociraptor that is about to kill you is clever--no more, no less.

The President-Illegal is dead, having been devoured by the Velociraptors of History (who also on Monday put Dick Cheney in a wheelchair). Long live the President-Actual!

President Who Didn't Give a Shit About You for 8 Years Desperately Craves Your Love

Having received his two weeks' notice to vacate the White House, George W. Bush has significantly ramped up his previous efforts to rewrite history and make it appear as though he ever cared about the country, the truth, humanity, morality, words or anything other than his sniveling, wretched self by self-publishing a book (a book! from the Bush administration!) entitled "Highlights of Accomplishment and Results".

Given that the online pamphlet clocks in at a whopping 50 pages--and despite that nearly half of those are dominated by pictures--it is likely that the outgoing President-Illegal had to have his legacy read to him. So, fine--that's one embarrassing mark on an otherwise spectacular presidency.

[via Gawker]

Bush Administration Deems Scientists Unnecessary

Continuing its quest to turn their president into an actual cartoon character before he leaves office, on Monday the Bush administration ruled that when it comes to deciding if construction projects could endanger animal species, scientists--what with their fancy book learnin' and "knowledge"--will no longer have a say in the matter.

Who will be making those calls from now on? Why, the agencies working on the construction projects, of course. No possibility for conflicts of interest there.

Suck it, nature!

American President-Illegal So Relaxed by Latest Vacation that He Inadvertently Speaks Truth

We've all been there: You take a job that you don't really want and for which you are vastly underqualified because the money's good, the perks are great and--most importantly--it's a real "fuck you" to your dad, who never thought you'd make anything of yourself. A year or so in, you're met with challenges of a severity that you could never have possibly imagined; unequipped as you are, you respond with a totally inappropriate action that only compounds your problems...and then another that does the same...and then another, then another, and another...and so on. But--because the perks are so great and you hate your dad so much that you don't want to lose the job--your only choice of recourse is to progressively remove yourself from reality, defending your actions with a deepening degree of ignorance as the years go by and the chaos that you wrought snowballs exponentially.

This tactic takes you only so far--six or seven years, maybe; eight, at best--and by the time you see the writing on the wall, you are pleasantly surprised to find that with the realization of your job's finality comes a sense of freedom. At long last, everybody else has gotten wise to what you knew from the beginning: you are utterly and hopelessly incapable of handling your professional responsibilities. There are papers to be signed and formalities to be dealt with, of course, so you'll have to stick around for a few months--but those are the months during which you can finally be yourself. A time that you can relax, use up your remaining sick days and vacation days, doing whatever the heck you want...all on the company's tab.

And when you're on the final leg of your all-expenses-paid vacation, perhaps in some exotic locale that you couldn't find on a map if your life depended on it, the reality of your situation finally hits you: you've got nothing left to prove, and no reason to hold yourself back. So, emboldened by alcoholic beverages and/or hard drugs and/or intense prayer, you decide to let it all it out, tell anyone who will listen what you really think. Maybe it doesn't fit with the company line, but it makes sense on a deeper, much more important level. It's what's right, in the big picture.

If you've ever done such a thing, good for you. Your expression was well deserved.

That is unless you were, at the time, the President of the United States...in which case you're an idiotic jackoff of an unprecedented degree who could have only done such a thing to mock your own country, every country on Earth and all of humanity.

(...and probably mostly your dad.)

Those Hillary Clinton Supporters Sure Hold a Grudge

If I told you that a Florida man was arrested by federal agents on Thursday for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama, you'd probably figure, "Bush supporter," right?

Wrong. Although aspiring-bail- bondsman-who-lives-on-a-sailboat Raymond Hunter Geisel did allegedly say of the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, "If he gets elected, I'll kill him myself," he appears to be no fan of the current president-illegal, having allegedly also remarked that he wanted to "put a bullet in [George W. Bush's] head." Since you can't like McCain if you don't like G-Dub (and if you think otherwise, McCain has a bridge he would like to sell you), the process of elimination leads us to only one logical conclusion:

Would-be Obama assassin Raymond Hunter Geisel is a Clinton man.

What is with those people? Isn't it enough that the Democrats are going to let Bill speak at the convention? Talk about not being able to lose with dignity...

George W. Bush on Greenhouse Gas Regulation: Can't Somebody Else Do It?

With less than six months remaining in his eight-year epic fail, President-illegal George W. Bush isn't even pretending to care about mankind anymore. On Friday, his administration publicly stated that it's leaving the responsibility to regulate greenhouse gases for the next president, in effect adopting the position of Homer Simpson's 1998 campaign for Sanitation Commissioner.