Is New York City Actually "Gotham City" and Batman Therefore Real?

Batman has got to be real. Otherwise, there would be no explanation for the existence of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino--whose mind-boggling hate speech could only reasonably be credited to a 'Penguin'-esque fictional supervillain.

Disagree? The next two things you'd tell me would be (1) "the first black American President has a shot at a second term" and (2) "heavily-sponsored white folk driving vroom-vroom machines in a continuous left-hand-turn 'til somebody done get smashed up and burned real good isn't recognized throughout America as a 'sport'."

Metroville's Movie Corner: Did I or Did I Not See 'Inception'?

I did.

No, I didn't.

Or did I?

Never mind that. What matters is that you think Christopher Nolan is a self-important douchebag--

Or is he?

Yes, he is.

What? No. How dare you.

Or don't I dare you?

What else were you going to do this weekend--clip your toenails while chasing down the deadbeats in your fantasy World Cup Soccer league?

Just go see Inception and forget about all that.

But also don't forget about any of it, ever.

Or do.

Celebrated Sports Person Does Thing; Mortals Angry, Happy, Sad

LeBron James used an hour of television on Thursday night to announce to the world what everybody already knew: that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and signing with the Miami Heat.

Sorry, Cleveland fans. Bully for you, Miami fans (and watch out for that drug dealer!--ah, too late).

Everybody else? Shame on us a little bit for paying as much attention as we did to this vacuous charade.

Quitting the KKK Is a Death Sentence

It might take 60 years or so--as was the case with West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd--but eventually the Klan will have their revenge.

No snitchin', whiteys. (And possibly no backsies.)

'Small Wonder' Is Back!

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells indehiscent fruits on television) after some black rapper beat an old man in the race to let her mom be Vice-Secretary of Flag Pins and Machine Guns or something!

But now--just like her mom--she's on TV for absolutely no goddamn reason at all and making people-who-have-functioning-brains' brains hurt!



'Merica!

[NYMag via Movieline]

Beat On that Red Sox Mickey Mouse All You Want, Anaheimans...

Those futile swings won't bring your prop-board shantytown any closer to being an actual city (like, say...the one from which your baseball team embarrassingly pretends to be).

[OC Register via Deadspin]

Cloo

I consider myself something of an amateur detective. Having concluded that the Van der Sloot boy's claim of innocence holds merit, I demand that he be released at o--

*killed by Van der Sloot*

Rap(e)id Fire

Now the Celtics know how it feels to be a hotel employee in Eagle, Colorado.

Who Created 'Trivial Pursuit' and Is Now Dead?

"Chris Hanley" is your answer? Are you sure?

Well, you're wrong: The man's name was actually Chris Haney. Now on to the next--

What? No... "Hanley" and "Haney" are two completely distinct words. Plus, it was for a pie piece...

Fuck you, I'm "cheating"! Don't bring Aunt Kathy into this! How about we have one fucking year where Thanksgiving isn't totally fucking ruined?!

(table flip)

Stay Classy, San Diego Clippers*

*Which they will, despite not having existed for the last twenty-six years...at least in contrast to their current city's big sister team, if Los Angeles Times sportswriter Ted Green is any indication of the Lakers' level of class.

Wrote Green of the Celtics' Paul Pierce (who miraculously survived a violent attack on his life in 2000): "Pierce's idea of a fun night is going clubbing and getting stabbed. Good times!"

HAHAHAHAHA--yeah, good times. Almost as good of a time as Paul Pierce is going to have watching Banner #18 be hung in the rafters of TD Garden, you sub-literate dicktard.

Maybe I Don't Understand Major League Baseball Rules (And Maybe I Don't Care)

What, exactly, was Yankees manager Joe Girardi complaining about on Tuesday night after my sad-sack Red Sox scraped out a win against their vastly superior (this season to date) AL East rivals?

Something about Manny Delcarmen taking too much time to warm up in preparation to relieve one of the Red Sox's five godawful (this season to date) starting pitchers? Something about one of those pitchers, Josh Beckett, not actually being injured?

Cheese and rice, Joe: Your team's about a billion games up on the Red Sox. If you're going to protest something, protest the fact that the Yankees are currently trailing a team whose fans will remain nonexistent until it faces yours in the division series. (And then they'll be all like, "Hey, our city has a baseball team! I love that dude from 'Desperate Housewives'!")

Catholic Church: Boy-Diddling Priests Aren't Pedophiles--Just Filthy Homos

Organized religion ain't my thing, but I know many good people who are into it. A lot of them are Catholic (I was raised in the PepsiCo of faiths myself)...and I feel very bad for any of those folks who might've caught Bill Donohue's appearance on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and his unfathomable defense of the latest pedophilia scandal:

If a boy that is molested by a priest has reached puberty, Donohue claims, it's not pedophilia; it's merely homosexuality.

So it's being gay, you see, that's the problem. Not the forcible sexual assault.

Let me thank you in advance, Catholic Church, on behalf of the first rapist who tries that defense in court: "My client could not possibly have raped that woman, your honor, because she had pubic hair. I insist that the charges be dropped on account of the defendant being straight."

(Side note: Sinead O'Connor finally grew hair!)

[Crooks And Liars via Gawker]