See You in Health

On Sunday night, after a hundred years or so, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill, sending it to President Obama's desk to be signed into law.

"Sweeping", of course, is a relative term, as the bill in question includes a number of compromises from its original intent--'cause politics totally rule--but insuring tens of millions of Americans who previously had no coverage and putting the abuses of private insurance companies in check is nothing to shake a stick at.

Plus, it'll make Republicans super mad.

Julia Child Could Have Easily Killed You with a Pastry Brush

Bobby Flay has grilling skills; Rachel Ray has a contract with Dunkin' Donuts; Emeril Lagasse probably has Robert Urich's autograph. But there's one thing that no living celebrity cook has on the late Julia Child:

None of them was ever a secret agent.

The National Archives has released the previously classified names of nearly 24,000 members of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), the World War II-era precursor of the CIA...and Julia Child--the chef lady from TV!--is on that list. (Other inconceivables include Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg, Police drummer Stewart Copeland's dad and the guy whose life story inspired "Eight Is Enough".)

Take note, Food Network stars. Sure, you might sell a lot of cookbooks...but have you won any wars lately?

I didn't think so.

(You might still get a chance, though, if you're interested.)

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

50 years after the inception of NASA, the United States is finally involved in a space war...by which I mean a war against space.

You're goin' down, space!

K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".

Side Effects May Include Dance Fever

Two years after the British revealed the possibility (along with the possibility of all kinds of other crazy shit), the Pentagon has confirmed to a CBS affiliate in Berkley, California that in 1994 the U.S. military proposed to build a so-called "Gay Bomb" that would defeat enemy combatants by making them want to have sex with one another.

While a Department of Defense spokesperson insists that the proposal (which included such patriotism-stirring verbiage as "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior") was immediately dismissed, Edward Hammond, a member of a Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks government spending who uncovered the information via the Freedom of Information Act, believes otherwise. He stated that "the Pentagon has used [the 'Gay Bomb' proposal] repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."

I'm no military strategist, but you know what I bet the next weapon the Pentagon tries to invent will be? A bomb that destroys the Freedom of Information Act. Then, if that fails, maybe an invisibility potion that everyone can use on themselves so that they can hide in a corner and cry uncontrollably. That's certainly what I would do.

Disposable Evil Sidekick to be Punished; Important Evil People Yawn

So Scooter Libby's going to prison for 30 months. If you think this is a victory against the corruption and tyranny of the current U.S. presidential administration, think again.

Guys like Scooter Libby are kept around by guys like Dick Cheney for the specific purpose of being thrown under the bus when the heat is on. It's the very reason Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor kept whoever Ned Beatty played around in the first two Superman movies.

And you know what? Libby wasn't even the Beatty character to Cheney's Luthor--that's lending him too much importance. He was more like Jon Cryer in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. (That's the one where, best I can remember, Superman battles a gay erotic dancer made of nuclear power or something.)

Scooter Libby Finishes Trial with an .800 Batting Average

Obstruction of Justice: Guilty.

False Statements to FBI Investigators about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

False Statement to FBI Investigators about Cooper Conversation: Not Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Cooper Conversation: Guilty.

Don't let that miss on the second false statement charge get you down, Scooter. You've proven yourself more than capable of inclusion on any one of a number of prison baseball teams.

The British Are Going! The British Are Going!

BBC.com is reporting that British Prime Minister Tony Blair will announce a timetable for the withdrawal of his country's troops from Iraq on Wednesday.

This sets yet another new record for the embarrassment level of George W. Bush and his administration. Although Blair certainly has not represented the majority opinion of the United Kingdom's citizens regarding the Iraq War, the fact that Bush has had him in his pocket since 2003 at least made him look good. The prime minister, with his outspoken support for the U.S. involvement in Iraq, has served essentially as a high-class hooker for the president on an international scale: everyone else at the party knew that he was paid for, but there was no question that George had spared no expense to get the classiest-looking gal he could find.

The scheduling of Blair's timetable-for-withdrawal announcement, however, sends a very clear, very depressing message to Bush: even the hooker thinks the party he is paying her to be at has gotten a little too sketchy for her taste, and she's leaving without him.

Kansas First State to Achieve Time Travel; Joins Rest of Country in 21st Century

Dorothy's not in Kansas anymore, and neither is God.

At least he's no longer superseding science in the state's classrooms, anyway, as the Kansas Board of Education has finally--after being the laughing stock of the country for refusing to move their thinking out of the Dark Ages for, well, pretty much ever--approved new evolution-oriented science standards for the state's public schools ("new" being relative to Kansas, as most people with the capacity for thought and reason have been on board the evolution train for the past century-and-a-half or so, going back to when Charles Darwin published The Origin of Species). The curriculum will replace the most recent ass-backwards mode of belief that had been officially sanctioned by the board--the "intelligent design" theory that was put into practice in 2005 (and is, contrary to its name, most stringently maintained by morons...like our president).

So congratulations, Kansas, and welcome to the future.

(By the way...God is going to be so pissed at you guys. When the Rapture comes next week, you're totally not invited! Suckers!)

Russian Soldiers Putting the 'Service' Back in 'Servicemen'

For all the talk about how brave and hardworking American soldiers are, it appears they could stand to learn a thing or two from their Russian counterparts about just how to "be all you can be". For starters, they could force one another into prostitution more often, like the resourceful young men (and I do only mean men) of interior troops unit No. 3727, stationed in St. Petersburg.

The office of that city's military prosecutor is launching an inquiry into claims made by the Soldiers' Mothers group ("a leading Russian nongovernment organization championing soldiers' rights"--apparently through emasculation, if the group's name is any indication) that a conscript in the aforementioned unit was forced into part-time employment in the world's oldest profession by fellow soldiers who beat him and demanded that he earn money for them. This incident is far from an isolated one (or, if you will, more than just a "wham, bam, thank you...sir"), according to Valentina Melnikova, the head of Soldiers' Mothers, who told the Associated Press that "there are certain military units where such things come up every once in a while." (Insofar as I am less than fluent in the Russian language, I can only assume that some degree of urgency was lost in the translation of that statement.)

While Russia's Interior Ministry is hard at work attempting to discredit the conscript who made the claim, human rights activist Ruslan Linkov has stated that allegations about soldiers from unit No. 3727 being forced into the sex-for-pay game have been around for several years but prosecutors continue to ignore them. Linkov asserts that forced male prostitution among the ranks of Russian servicemen stationed at home has become "a professional business"...and that "generals and colonels [are] among clients".

You hear that, American soldiers? Members of the Russian military are so loyal to their superiors that they're willing to do whatever it takes--whatever it takes--to please them (or, if they happen to be a little higher up the ladder themselves, pummelling their subordinates into doing it so that they can make money)! I declare that the men (sorry, ladies, but I think it seems pretty clear where the demand lies) of America's armed forces must rally themselves at once to join the international prostitution race, before Russia gets too far ahead and we find ourselves in another Cold War.

'Law & Order' Star (hearts) Crime

Former Tennessee Republican Senator and current star of NBC's "Law & Order" Fred Dalton Thompson (he plays the District Attorney, who gets maybe two scenes an episode, thereby rendering calling him a "star" of the show suspect) showed up at the Scooter Libby trial today, explaining to reporters that he was there because he is "a friend of Scooter Libby and his family".

You see that, extreme right-wing conservative Republicans who hold blind alliegance to George W. Bush? Hollywood's not all bad. Just because an actor might play a person who stands for truth and justice on TV, that doesn't necessarily mean that in real life he doesn't publicly support perjury, obstruction of justice and the endangering of national security in the name of getting back at somebody who criticized the president. Perhaps there's hope for the godless entertainment industry yet!