You Know What the Celtics Are Missing?

A poisonous lunatic.

Whoops! Not any more, though, thanks to their acquisition of the NBA's red-headed stepchild, Stephon Marbury.

I'm sure this whole thing will go absolutely perfectly.

NBA Referees Are Just Like Kobe Bryant

...in that they're both rapists:

Kobe, of women; Thursday's refs in Boston, of basketball games.

The Hero the Internet Deserves, but Not the One It Needs Right Now?

While Christian Bale's infamous tirade on the set of Terminator: Salvation (and its kickass dance remix) certainly appears to posit the Dark Knight star as the raging villain to put-upon cinematographer Shane Hurlbut, Radar reports that perhaps things are not what they seem in Gotham City.

According to the site, Bale's verbal assault on Hurlbut made him "a hero to cast and crew", many of whom paint a picture of the director of photography less resembling an innocent passerby and more in line with the Penguin, a condescending taskmaster prone to instructing his underlings to "stab [themselves] in the head".

WHO are the real victims here, and who is the hero?

WILL the publicity over this incident help or hurt Terminator's box office performance this summer?

WHY won't I bother to think of a third question to ask in this fashion?

Tune in next week...same bat-time, same bat--okay, I think I've pumped this well dry.

[Radar via Defamer]

Crooklyn (or That Other Spike Lee Movie Whose Name Escapes Me)*

There are some who mockingly suggest that NBA games should be reduced to their final three minutes; there are games--such as Tuesday's Celtics-76ers matchup--that actually give credence to such an idea.

*(Inside Man? Was that the one with Ray Allen? I don't think it was Miracle at St. Anna...)

Real Movies Into Fake Books

While the "I Can Read Movies" books came and went before my time (I grew up in a world where films' advertising art and their novelizations' cover art were one and the same), I can still appreciate artist Mitch Ansara's (aka Spacesick) imagined continuation of the series.

[Cinematical]

Your Future Bowl Champions, the New England Patriots

Now that that silly Super Bowl featuring teams that I had no vested interest in is over, the model citizens at Sportsbook have laid the odds for next year's contest, and--voila!--the New England Patriots will be Super Bowl XLIV champions (at least according to a majority of professional gamblers)! This despite the team--in The Spread's words--"not even qualify [sic] for the postseason in 2008".

Hey, fuck you, The Spread. You just failed to qualify for the Grammar Playoffs, and you don't even have Brett Favre to blame.

[Deadspin]

Better than 'Batdance'

When audio of Christian Bale going ballistic on the set of Terminator: Salvation popped up on the internet on Monday, that was pretty amusing.

The dance remix, however, is The Dark Knight to the original recording's Batman & Robin.

[MySpace via Defamer]

Buzzsaw Unplugged

Seconds after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald made an insane, 64-yard reception-and-run for a go-ahead touchdown with less than three minutes remaining in Super Bowl XLIII on Sunday, I produced my iPhone and typed out a congratulatory email to Deadspin founder Will Leitch, an honorably loyal-for-life fan of the perennial doormat that was, at that moment, on the verge of an impossible victory. I didn't send the email, mind you--as a born-and-bred supporter of Boston-area professional sports teams since long before the region's recent run of championships, I possess the forethought to never risk jinxing an underdog (especially one whose fans are not apparent among the wildly arbitrary accusations of racism that occasionally compel me to make a frowny-face on the internet); at the same time, I wanted it to be among the first five hundred emails that Leitch would receive after the Cardinals defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, because I'm self-important. So I had it ready.

Then a bunch of ridiculous things happened in the game and the Steelers came back to win it, 27-23.

It wasn't my fault, Will and the few dozen Arizona Cardinals fans who actually exist. It wasn't my fault!

Let it be known in my defense that I bet a substantial amount of American dollars on the Cardinals without the points (Pittsburgh was favored by 6 1/2). So your moral loss, Arizona Cardinals fans, is my financial loss...unless you also bet on the Cardinals without the points.

Then again, a real fan of the team would've done that anyway...so, come to think of it...this is really my loss more than anyone's.

What the F, Cardinals?! Two Super Bowls in a row, I get my heart broken??

Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger Enjoyed Working with One Another on the Set of 'New in Town'

You know how I know that? Says it right there in the CNN caption of the above file photo.

What's crazy is that, in New in Town, Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger play two people who don't actually like each other, at first.

That's movie magic for you! As well as, apparently, journalism!

Litigiousabunga

Nancy Cartwright, the actress best (read: only) known as the voice of Bart Simpson, is a proud member of that religion that charges its members money to get rid of the alien ghosts living inside of them. She is now using her lone sort-of-talent to advertise said cult, with predictably disturbing results.

I'm no lawyer, but doesn't Fox own the copyright on Bart Simpson? And if that character is being used for profit without their consent, don't they have the right to sue to bring an end to such infringement?

You're an international conglomerate, Fox! Get off your asses and sue Nancy Cartwright and Scientology before any more commercials like the one heard above melt my childhood memories like those aliens melted in that volcano (or something) in that book that that bigoted creep who lived in his mother's basement and is now a messiah wrote!

[YouTube via Defamer]

Sad Monkey

"'If he wasn’t just back there behind that door crying, I don’t know what that look on his face is.' Because he just looks absolutely devastated as he comes through this door after essentially ending his eight year presidency. And it’s just really striking. He just looks absolutely devastated." - Jim Bourg, writing in Errol Morris' blog, in regards to the image seen above.

This pleases me.

Hey, Mickey! (clap-clap!) Don't Do That!

Since Mickey Rourke made his triumphant return to the limelight on the wings of his widely-acclaimed (and deservedly so) performance in The Wrestler, everyone--including those too young to have been aware of the actor during his original heyday--knows the story of his long, hard fall from respectability.

But now Mickey's back! He won a Golden Globe (and thanked his dogs in his acceptance speech)! He's a favorite to win the Oscar for Best Actor! He didn't win that category's SAG Award on Sunday, but that's okay!

You know what's not okay, though?

The fact that--a couple of hours before Mickey Rourke lost the aforementioned prize to Sean Penn--the Oscar-nominated star of The Wrestler announced that he will be participating in "Wrestlemania 25".

You shouldn't do that, Mickey. You really shouldn't do that.

At the very least, you shouldn't have announced that you were planning on doing that before the Academy Awards...'cause it is sure to cost you some votes.

Exactly how many votes remains to be seen, but--god forbid...it might be just enough to greenlight Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Ride Again.

UPDATE (1/28): Defamer has the exclusive that Mickey, per my suggestion, will not be doing that. A wise choice on his part.