New York City High School Baseball Gets Wood

It's common practice to cite "the crack of the bat" as one of the All-American qualities of the game of baseball, but that cliche--unlike most (Asian people in car accidents, Asian people taking pictures, Asian people accusing me of racism)--has very little basis in reality. Aluminum bats are used at four levels of baseball--tee-ball, Little League, high school, and college--while the platitude-inspiring wooden bats are used at only one tier--the pros. If anything, the verb in the aforementioned phrase should be "ping" (which, if you think about it, sounds kind of Asian).

Or at least it should have been before the New York City school system--the largest in America--decided to try and threaten aluminum's dominance in baseball by banning metal bats. The official reasoning behind the City Council's decision (which overturned a mayoral veto of the ban--does Michael Bloomberg wield any influence at all?) is that metal bats produce harder and faster hits than their wooden counterparts, thus increasing the likelihood of injury. This argument, however, completely misplaces blame: It's not the bats that are hitting people, it's the balls. Therefore, the situation in New York's high schools calls for a much more reasonable solution:

They should keep their bats aluminum, but switch over to wiffle balls. Problem solved.

[Ed. note: My Google image search for the above one-sheet of Little Big League led me to the unsettling discovery that there exists a gay porn film of the same title. Since I now have to live the rest of my life with that knowledge, I figured you should, too. Be thankful you didn't have to see the poster.]