You Know How I Know You're Gay? Joe Satriani Is Suing You for Plagiarism.

It's common knowledge that anyone who is a heterosexual male over the age of 14 and in full possession of his auditory senses is required to dislike Coldplay if he wants to consider himself hip. This unspoken standard has presented a conundrum for me ever since Coldplay first entered the popular consciousness; while I fulfill all of the aforementioned requirements (especially the one about wanting to be hip), I am bitterly protective of my self-aggrandizing belief that I stand among the precious, enlightened few who know exactly why Coldplay sucks beyond the fact that The 40-Year-Old Virgin tells me so: their songs are shamelessly derivative; their albums are overproduced to the razor's edge of unbreathable sonic mush; their lead singer allowed Gwyneth Paltrow to name his children after a fruit and Charlton Heston, respectively. And yet, at the same time...I also kind of like them.

This seemingly irreconcilable internal conflict would have likely driven me to madness had it not been for the courage of '80s-era cheese-guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani to come forward and demand that Coldplay give him all of their money.

The fact that Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" really does kind of sound like Satriani's "If I Could Fly" is beside the point. What matters is the fact that a musician who hadn't been heard from in two decades--and who was only ever known strictly for playing the electric guitar, not for playing real songs with words--suing a band that is currently quite popular--but who, based on their technical merits, could easily fail to stand the test of time--for plagiarism is super-ironic. Irony is hip; therefore, Coldplay is hip (for a few hours today, at least); therefore, I (with acknowledgment to the same caveat) am indisputably hip.

But only because I don't really like Coldplay, unlike the rest of you losers.

Palin '12!

Goddamn conservative media...

President-elect Barack Obama won't take office until nearly two months from now, and journalists are already trying to blame him for the germ warfare that will theoretically be brought upon America in 2013.

Wait a minute...2013? That would be one year after Obama's first term...

For the sake of his legacy, let's hope that Obama will have become embroiled in a sex scandal before then. If he is not--and America does suffer a terrorist attack prior to that time--let's hope that then-President Obama will at least have the good sense to retaliate towards a country that had absolutely nothing to do with said attack. Recent history has taught has that that kind of behavior pretty much guarantees a second term.

(Woooo! 'MERICA! [double-barreled pistol fire into the air])

Stupefying Observations of Anonymous Boneheads Unfiltered and Publicized by Pseudo-Sentient Lava Lamp

Who says "entertainment news" is meaningless?

If it weren't for crackerjack journalists like Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC's "The Scoop", the world would be deprived of unverified third-party criticism of the upcoming film Valkyrie that is as probing and insightful as this gem:

"'The film just isn’t a thriller at all' said one 'Valkyrie' viewer. 'It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms.'"

Nicely reported, Courtney. Rather than wasting any time addressing how in the hell the two quoted sentences are in any way related, you skipped right ahead to not inquiring of the alleged "viewer" what race and gender he or she mistakenly believes Nazi officers were. And then you presumably collected a paycheck. Because someone believes that what you do is journalism.

No, William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer...thank YOU.

Northern Expulsion

As that crazy lady who didn't become vice president was wont to remind us, Alaskans like to shoot things dead. I'm pretty sure that she was talking about defenseless animals, not political aspirations...but her fellow statesmen have apparently seen fit not to draw such a distinction, first hobbling her own professional future, then--on Tuesday--putting a bullet between the eyes of an octogenarian convicted felon's career...on his birthday!

What happened to you, Alaska? You used to be cool.

(Oh, right--global warming.)

Nerds Confusing Nerds Confusing Nerds

Excited for the revamped Star Trek, nerds? Especially since the new trailer premiered last weekend?

Well, that thing's only been online for about 24 hours, and nerds--who, as you know, nerds, are known to work fast when it comes to this sort of thing--have recut it as the opening title sequence of what I can only imagine you would find a sacrilegious fusion of one of your favorite nerd things and "Beverly Hills, 90210" (plus what I believe is a reference to the guy who plays Spock's character's name on that terrible program "Heroes", which I understand you also like). To add insult to injury, the production quality is low.

Take that, nerds! say...um...some other nerds.

Bush to Go Out in a Blaze of...Mild Reasonability?

You know all those horrible things that George W. Bush did during his eight disastrous years in office?

With less than 70 days to go, The Worst President Ever has come around to acknowledging that his deeds were, in fact, horrible...or at least that about three of them were.

Three is a low number, but it is a start--a start in the direction opposite nuclear winter, which is where I had been pretty sure Bush would try to lead us during his final days in office. So I'll take my small victories where I can get them.

Terrorist Attacks McCain

While more responsible bloggers such as myself have been reticent to rub the Obama victory in the faces of those who opposed his campaign, former would-be terrorist (who about 90% of the American populous had never heard of until Sean Hannity looked him up on Wikipedia) and current college professor William Ayers apparently holds no such qualms.

Using Obama's historic victory as a jumping-off point, Ayers has written a piece for In These Times in which he kicks John McCain while he's down, segueing abruptly from poo-pooing McCain for his usage of Ayers as a "prop" in his failed presidential bid into boldly denouncing McCain for...having participated in the Vietnam War. (Ayers also finds a moment to brag about having been mentioned on "The Colbert Report", which I would probably do, too.)

Really, Bill? Vietnam? You still think that's the first thing people should hold against John McCain?

I would have gone with the more recent constant lying or the baseless, often latently racist smears against Barack Obama or the complete abandonment of his principles in a desperate quest to win an office for no other reason than to satiate his ego.

Then again, none of those things happened in the 1960s, which was apparently the only decade when anything interesting happened in America. I guess you had to be there, which I was not.

Fox News Throws Sarah Palin Under the Snow Machine

I told myself after Kal-El won the presidential election last night that I would resist schadenfreude and avoid posting any anti-McCain/Palin stories for the foreseeable future.

That foreseeable future almost lasted twenty-four hours, then Wonkette posted the above video.

What gives, Fox News? Wasn't it just two months ago when you were hailing the pretty lady with glasses as the savior of your network mandate--I mean, the Republican Party? Looks like this ugly breakup could drag on for a while.

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.

Then...

On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

Rest In Peace, Obama's Grandma

Little more than twenty-four hours before she might [ed. note: that's a "might", mind you] have seen her grandson be elected as the first black President of the United States, Madelyn Dunham passed away late Sunday night at the age of 86.

Call me a cynical asshole, but if [ed. note: that's an "if", I hasten to point out] Barack Obama wins the election tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised to see John McCain, his campaign and his supporters attribute the outcome to sympathy.

And if they're going to think that, I'm going to have go ahead and think that Mrs. Dunham deliberately timed her death--not just out of love for her grandson, but for her country.

Boo! (Also: Booo.)

Don't find a still image of a misspelled word particularly frightening?

What if I told you it was taken from a nationally broadcast television commercial made by...a viable candidate for President!!

Happy Halluhwein!

Phun with MSNBC Homepage Juxtaposition

Way to celebrate with class, Philly.