Detroit, What?

Detroit nothing.

It's a Celtics-versus-Lakers NBA Finals, which means that it's the 1980s again! I knew they'd come back for me! I would have liked to have been picked up in a DeLorean...but beggars can't be choosers. The important thing is that I've got my whole life ahead of me. To Little League practice--and this time I'm going to stick with it!

Ray Allen Overcomes Pod Person Captor, Makes 1st Playoff Appearance

The Boston Celtics' Ray Allen had been performing with such spectacular crapularity through the playoffs that I had begun to suspect one of two things: either (a) my concerns about Allen's age going back to when the Celtics traded for him on draft day 2007 had been vindicated, or (b) he had been kidnapped and replaced by a pod person.

After Monday's 29-point performance by Allen--including a clutch basket with a minute left in the game and 2 deal-sealer free throws--helped propel the Celtics to a 3-2 series lead over the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals, I suspect one of two things: either (a) Ray Allen has discovered the Fountain of Youth, or (b) there's a dead pod person in the trunk of his car.

In any case, somebody has got to talk to Rajon Rondo about those ridiculous teardrop "passes" he's been hurling into the stratosphere with alarming frequency. Are those shot attempts, or does he think the basketball is a weather balloon? NASA should look into that once they've settled the pod people issue.

Kansas City Royals Linked to Cancer

...In the sense that Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester has no-hit them both.

I'd imagine that Lester and his family consider the earlier victory to be far more significant in the big picture, but let's not discount the details of Monday's achievement:

- First no-hitter by a Red Sox left-hander in 52 years

- First no-hitter of the major league season

- 18th Red Sox no-hitter in history

- 2nd Red Sox no-hitter in as many seasons

- Major-league-record 4th no-hitter caught by Jason Varitek

- Only 2 walks allowed

- One-third of the outs came on strikeouts

- Lester's first career complete game

And the last person in the majors to throw a no-hitter? The Red Sox' Clay Buchholz.

Also, did I mention that Jon Lester had previously defeated cancer? My mom did the same thing once, and I used to be impressed by that...until today.

I'll resume returning your phone calls after you throw a no-no, Mom.

[Photo: Charles Krupa / AP]

Where's Hillary?

Somewhere else, being angry, I'd guess.

An Offseason Haiku for the Cleveland Cavaliers

one gifted player
makes for many highlight reels
but not victories

Toothless Hill Folk Heart Self-Deluded Megalomaniac

You go, Hillary! Most had assumed that your psychotic insistence on staying in the Democratic primary with no chance of winning was going to accomplish nothing more than dividing your party and making it easier for George Bush 2.5 to win the election in November.

But with your dominant victory in West Virginia on Tuesday, you've defied the critics and proven just how many racists would rather vote for John McCain or no one at all than consider a black Presidunt of Amerika.

Why hasn't anyone built a statue of you yet?

Sex and the Carcass

SOMEBODY DIES IN THE 'SEX AND THE CITY' MOVIE.

(Oh, my bad...spoiler alert.)

I'm certain that it's not anyone interesting, because there are no interesting characters in Sex and the City. Nevertheless, I hope that this news--which was "spilled" (no doubt strategically) by Cynthia Nixon (I believe she plays "the Lesbian-y One")--deters at least one person from seeing the film. That would be a moral victory for mankind.

Why? Because the people behind "Sex and the City" think that the television show's fans are idiotic sheep incapable of original thought...and it really depresses me that those fans--at least the ones that I know personally--are hell-bent on paying to prove as much during the movie's opening weekend.

The Fast and the Spurious

In recent years, the movie industry has done its part to alleviate the strain of living in today's hectic world by eliminating time-wasting definite articles from the titles of most of its product. While the technology does not yet exist to allow the powers that be to retroactively expunge the offensively specific grammar in previously-existing movie titles from both historical record and the minds of the general public (but your time will come, Lord of Rings: Fellowship of Ring), the producers of The Fast and the Furious have done the next best thing:

They've given the fourth movie in their franchise the exact same title as the first movie, only without the 'the's.

If Fast and Furious is successful enough, it may effectively erase the shame of being born of a film whose name wasted precious nanoseconds in the lives of all who read it--nanoseconds that could have been spent watching cars go vroom and/or concocting elaborate gay porn fantasies (that's right, fans of one or the other: when it comes to The Fast and the Furious, you're all in it together). Perhaps such an atonement will compel George Lucas to change Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull--at least in time for the film's special-edition DVD release--to Man Hat Whip.

T-Shirt or Holocaust? It's All the Same to the New York Yankees.

Yankees president Randy Levine recently described a certain individual as "somebody who had really bad motives and was trying to do a really bad thing," creatively adding that the act in question was "a very, very bad act." Can you guess to whom he was referring? I guessed Hitler...but I was wrong.

Levine was actually talking about Gino Castignoli, the dude who had buried a Red Sox t-shirt--which was dug up on Sunday--underneath the new, under-construction Yankee Stadium.

It would appear that not winning one World Series since the previous century, despite having the highest payroll in all of baseball, while your archnemeses have already won two (and counting) can cause a team to lose perspective. Not to mention a lot of baseball games. (Zing!)

Sad About the Death of Charlton Heston?

Perhaps Jeb Bush, in a remark from a 2003 speech directed at Heston when he stepped down as president of the NRA, will lighten your mood:

"Were it not for your active involvement, it's safe to say my brother may not have been president of the United States."

I don't care how many disco vampires Charlton Heston took out during his time on this mortal coil...that bit of business stays on his permanent record.

Hank Steinbrenner's Attack Hawk a Failure [OR NOT--See Retraction]

[UPDATE (4/10): In Metroville's defense, the Yahoo story--which has been updated since it was linked--originally did not cite the girl's name. I'm too fast in uncovering hot scoops for my own good.]

Some people might accept the possibility that Thursday's hawk-attack on a middle school student touring Fenway Park was nothing more than an unfortunate fluke, but I happen to suspect that the bird was planted by Yankees pseudo-owner and doughy jackass Hank Steinbrenner after it was trained to strike at Red Sox fans, all in an attempt to cut back on attendance at his division rival's park. The reasons behind this theory are as follows:

1. The animal in question was not a Blue Jay, oriole or a devil ray (I'm sorry--just "ray"), thus clearing the remaining AL East teams of suspicion.

2. The hawk singled out an adolescent girl as its intended victim, which indicates that whomever orchestrated the attack is a pussy.

3. The attempt, like all other Yankees endeavors undertaken in this century to date, did not succeed.

Better luck next time, Hank.

UPDATE (4/10) (continued): I should have known that Hank Steinbrenner was too stupid to train a hawk. As seen in the comments below, the eagle-eyed Coggblogger has informed Metroville that the name of the girl attacked was "Alexa Rodriguez". Fly on and fly true, winged defender of Fenway!

They've Got It (Poor Judgment)

Attention, New Kids on the Block fans: Make sure your mother clears her schedule for the foreseeable future, because--even though you've likely had your license for at least fifteen years--having your mom drive you and your friends to the show will be essential to fully immersing yourself in the nostalgia-fest that is the group's upcoming reunion tour.

Wait...what's that, Donnie Wahlberg? You have "no interest going out on a nostalgia tour and singing the same material"? While the New Kids will be performing the old songs, the focus of the tour will be on promoting a new album? Good call.

Tell your mom to forget it, ladies. And someone might also want to see if it isn't too late for Jonathan Knight to get back his job as a real estate developer.