Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Jesus Built My Hot Rod

In the nearly 120 years since the invention of the automobile, the world's roadways have been an anarchic wasteland of hedonism and brutality, with the only institution to regulate motorists' behavior being something called "laws". Mankind has waited in vain for the one true authority on driving safety--a bunch of old men who live in Rome and say that they're best friends with God--to straighten us all out.

At long last...the wait is over.

On Tuesday the Vatican issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, citing that automobiles can be "an occasion of sin"--in the realms, for example, of drinking and driving, picking up hookers, and, um...not praying in your car. The document is officially called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road", and breaks down as such:

1. You shall not kill. Where have I heard that before?

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. No killing. We've established that. So this is more like nine commandments, isn't it?

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Drive with your eyes open. Check.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. But only if he has insurance, right?

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Pass.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. How curious, given who wrote these rules, that this one clearly does not apply to the super-old. I call shenanigans.

7. Support the families of accident victims. What if the victim isn't dead yet? This seems to be a contradiction of commandment #4.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. While driving? That seems pretty effing complicated.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. This one's for cup holders.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Ooooohhhhh...responsible towards others! I've been doing this driving thing all wrong, what with the always-trying-to-kill-people. Thank Pete you've explained the rules of the road for us in your own unique style, Catholic Church. Where would the world be without you?

1 comment:

Sandy Knauer said...

I thought I had entered the real Twilight Zone the other day when this national news followed a local progression of a rant about the horrors of the candy cigarette hitting the market again and how that would eventually lead to real smoking and death to those crazy kids, followed by a segment about a fifteen-year-old who killed one police officer and injured another before turning the gun on himself with no mention of the dangers of toy guns. (I know that’s the worst run-on sentence I’ve written in a long time, but I’m upset with you so I had to keep it short.)