Tenet 'A', derived from the Constitution of the United States of America, holds that
Barack Obama became the U.S. President at twelve o'clock eastern standard time on January 20th, 2009, even though he hadn't been sworn in yet.
Tenet 'B', derived from
racist crazy people, holds that Barack Obama was never the U.S. President on January 20th, 2009 because he
didn't give a clean reading of the oath of office until the following day.
Given that
Tenet 'B' represents a lingering devotion to
a former president who willfully ignored his country's Constitution throughout two full terms in office and that
Tenet 'A' represents said document, the two tenets cancel each other out. Thus emerges
Tenet 'C', derived from Stephen Colbert.
Tenet 'C' holds that whatever person (or thing) appeared on camera as part of the live television broadcast of the presidential inauguration ceremony at noon EST on January 20th, 2009 automatically became the President of the United States; ergo,
famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma was the leader of the free world from Tuesday to Wednesday (before Obama retook his presidential oath).
However...it turns out that even
that airtight logic is only half true, at best.
At noon EST on the aforementioned date, when the world was seeing Yo-Yo Ma perform John Williams' "Air and Simple Gifts" as part of a quartet, they weren't actually
hearing it; rather, they were hearing
a pre-recorded version of the song.
This nationally-televised deception begs the question:
Who the hell was president between January 20th and January 21st?The only conclusion is that there were two
co-presidents during that time--a Chinese artist born in France and a stereo system assembled in the United States.
(
Boy, did we Americans miss a window to get away with some major felonies.)
You know how I know that? Says it right there in the CNN caption of the above file photo.
"'If he wasn’t just back there behind that door crying, I don’t know what that look on his face is.' Because he just looks absolutely devastated as he comes through this door after essentially ending his eight year presidency. And it’s just really striking. He just looks absolutely devastated." - Jim Bourg, writing in Errol Morris' blog, in regards to the image seen above.
Since Mickey Rourke made his triumphant return to the limelight on the wings of his widely-acclaimed (and deservedly so) performance in The Wrestler, everyone--including those too young to have been aware of the actor during his original heyday--knows the story of his long, hard fall from respectability.
Tenet 'A', derived from the Constitution of the United States of America, holds that Barack Obama became the U.S. President at twelve o'clock eastern standard time on January 20th, 2009, even though he hadn't been sworn in yet.
Since Chief Justice John Roberts painfully botched his attempt to ad-lib the recitation of the Presidential Oath of Office on Tuesday, President Obama and he decided to do the whole thing over on Wednesday, just to be safe.
You hear about that America-hating terrorist foreigner who got to be president on Tuesday--Hussein Mutombo al-Qaida, or whatever his name is? Not only did that Arab Muslim illegally prevent George W. Bush--the greatest president ever 'cause he used to get hammered a lot and I seen pictures of him in a cowboy hat and he don't trust words--from taking his God-given third term, turns out that goddamn Egyptian postponed sport games in the process! 'Merica sport games!
The above title would apply if Frosted Flakes were one of the Kellogg products that contained peanut butter, which it is not.
Things worked out pretty well for the human beings in the care of Chesley B. Sullenberger on Thursday, though. Good on 'im.
How strong is the American economy? Strong enough that a farmer in Greenfield, California was willing to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and "several cases of meat".
Now that that's out of the way, all that remains in the pursuit of NFL justice is a revocation of the Giants' Tecmo Bowl title.
The Atlanta Braves may no longer be the perennial playoff presence that they once were, but the team has emerged as an early frontrunner to win this year's World Series of Passive-Aggressiveness.
While the New York Yankees have treated this year's free agent pool as their own personal game of Hungry Hungry Hippos--renewing with vigor their franchise mandate to morph into a league of cartoon villains--the Boston Red Sox have adopted a much less flashier approach, making acquisitions of the shruggable, "huh, that's interesting" variety.
Having received his two weeks' notice to vacate the White House, George W. Bush has significantly ramped up his previous efforts to rewrite history and make it appear as though he ever cared about the country, the truth, humanity, morality, words or anything other than his sniveling, wretched self by self-publishing a book (a book! from the Bush administration!) entitled "Highlights of Accomplishment and Results".
Damn you, National Football League. Damn you to hell.
Who'da thunk it: you need a permit to eat monkey meat in the United States. Better make sure your papers are in order, Colonel Sanders.
