...And Justice for Rich Republicans Who are Friends with the Vice President

It had been touch-and-go in the month since Dick Cheney's former chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for his involvement in leaking the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame back in 2003, with President Bush appearing to waver on the question of whether or not he would pardon him. In the eleventh hour, our commander-in-chief has heroically stepped up and commuted Libby's sentence--effectively though not technically pardoning him because Libby will still have to pay a $250,000 fine and serve two years of probation--thus reconfirming his standing as Arguably the Most Corrupt and Incompetent President in America's History.

Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!

Magical Douchebag Conjures Obvious Puns

While he was most recently busy dedicating lame stunts to Cameron Diaz, it turns out that magician Criss Angel--a.k.a. "Mindfreak", a.k.a. Christopher Sarantakos (hmm, funny how those names get progressively less badass)--has sort of been kind of secretly married for five years and now his estranged wife is suing him for abandonment.

During a break in a court hearing on Friday, Sarantakos displayed his consummate showmanship and blazing originality when he gestured to his wife's lawyer and remarked, "I can make him disappear."

Get it? Because he's a magician! Presto shazam!

[Ed. note: pictured is an illusionist far more talented than Criss Angel.]

Monkey Desperate to Avoid Working with Emile Hirsch

MSNBC.com is reporting [Ed. note: or, I guess, "scooping"; I'm told that "Jeannette Walls delivers the scoop"] that PETA is up in arms over confirmed reports that a chimpanzee on the set of the upcoming live-action Speed Racer adaptation bit an actor, leading to allegations that the animal has been beaten. (Unless directors Larry and Andy Wachowski have opted for an all-chimpanzee cast, one has to assume that the simian in question is portraying Chim-Chim.) The film's producers have responded with assurances from the American Human Society that no animals in the movie are being abused, but PETA remains unconvinced.

Both sides are apparently choosing to ignore the most obvious explanation for the chimp's behavior: he was merely trying to demonstrate for the movie's lead actor, lifeless slouch Emile Hirsch, how to properly emote.

Find the Classiest Thing in This Story

(A) Alex Rodriguez's wife wears (B) a tanktop with a swear word on it to Yankee Stadium; (C) the New York Post goes bananas.

If you chose 'A', 'B' or 'C', you're wrong. The correct answer is: (D) the Boston Red Sox currently lead the Yankees by 11 games in the AL East.

K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".

It's Up to You, ___________, to Renew My Interest in the Boston Celtics

Throughout my childhood, I was a diehard Boston Celtics fan. Somewhere after the retirements of Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson (R.I.P.) and Danny Ainge (who's currently, um, kind of hurting the team as its general manager), the death of Reggie Lewis (again, R.I.P.) and before the time when the Celtics became of one the worst teams in the NBA, I lost interest. Go figure. (And after the (actual) retirement of Michael Jordan, I all but lost interest in the NBA entirely.)

But the Celtics did so poorly last season that I couldn't help but start rooting for them again...rooting for them to lose so that they'd get the top pick in the 2007 draft and maybe give Celtics fans past and present something to cheer about.

They managed to screw that up, breaking an 18-game losing streak that--had it gone one more--would have guaranteed them the number-one spot on draft day. In the draft lottery last month, the Celtics came out with Number 5--a rather deep pick for a team as bad as them.

And moments ago, with the fifth overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics have selected...

NOBODY.

Before the second pick (which was Seattle's; they selected Kevin Durant) was announced, the Celtics traded their pick (along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West) to Seattle--giving them #2 and #5--for 32-year-old Ray Allen.

Thanks for nothing, Danny Ainge.

(I wonder if there's any room on the Supersonics bandwagon...)

They're Bigger Than Lip-Syncing Jesus

For six long years, the world has been without music. In December, the deafening silence will finally be broken...when the Spice Girls go back on tour! [Ed. note: Girl Power!]

While Ginger Spice is implicitly trying to take credit for disbanding the group back in 2001 (she left in 1998 and the Spice Girls' one Gingerless album, 2000's Forever, did not sell very spicily), making the reunion all about her by likening the four other Spices to a collective husband she's been divorced from, you may be a bit surprised to learn who was the one true holdout:

According to ABC News, it was Sporty Spice, who remarked about the reunion, "I've always said, 'I don't want to do it.'"

Sporty Spice was the one who needed to be talked into this? Not Married-to-David-Beckham Spice, Eddie-Murphy-Paternity-Suit Spice, or the aforementioned Pretended-to-be-Princess-Diana-for-a-While Spice? (I would have even pegged Not-Much-Going-On-Either-But-at-Least-Way-More-Attractive-Than- Sporty-Spice Spice as somewhat less motivated to get back on the horse.) You think you know the Spice Girls...

In any event, the important thing is that the ladies will soon be entertaining the world (or at least 11 cities) again with their signature brand of high-kicks and flexing and jumping up and down while some songs play.

(Also, they're re-releasing their movie.)

Pat Coyle and the Cone of Safety

As if I weren't already ashamed by the simple fact that I have been neglecting my blogging-related responsibilities as of late (it may stun you to learn that I don't get paid for this), I have returned to the fold to discover that not only has my man crush Pat Coyle been diligently maintaining his own blog on a daily basis, but, two days ago, he successfully manipulated his Sports Marketing/Indianapolis Colts/English Writing Clinic website into a platform for a debate on the hot-button issue of human genitalia.

You think you've got balls? You don't. Pat Coyle's got balls.

(As well as something called a "cone of safety"...inside of which, I guess, is the only place one is free to talk about balls.)

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!

Reason #3,043 to Hate People (Even If You Like Persons)

A 3- or 4-year-old girl gets hit by a car and has to be taken to a hospital.

That's terrible, and your heart goes out to her and her family. (Thankfully, the girl's injuries turned out to be non-life-threatening.)

When the driver who struck the girl stops to check on her, a group of men (part of a crowd of thousands that had gathered to celebrate the anniversary of news of the Emancipation Proclamation reaching Galveston) attacks and ends up beating the passenger of the car to death.

That's humanity at its finest, and all the heroes involved should be awfully proud of themselves.

A Talking Chair Will Soon Be Upon Us Once Again, and We Will Rejoice

You know who's making a comeback?

Pee-wee Herman.

You know who's surprised to find himself kind of looking forward to it?

Me.

Jesus Built My Hot Rod

In the nearly 120 years since the invention of the automobile, the world's roadways have been an anarchic wasteland of hedonism and brutality, with the only institution to regulate motorists' behavior being something called "laws". Mankind has waited in vain for the one true authority on driving safety--a bunch of old men who live in Rome and say that they're best friends with God--to straighten us all out.

At long last...the wait is over.

On Tuesday the Vatican issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, citing that automobiles can be "an occasion of sin"--in the realms, for example, of drinking and driving, picking up hookers, and, um...not praying in your car. The document is officially called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road", and breaks down as such:

1. You shall not kill. Where have I heard that before?

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. No killing. We've established that. So this is more like nine commandments, isn't it?

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Drive with your eyes open. Check.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. But only if he has insurance, right?

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Pass.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. How curious, given who wrote these rules, that this one clearly does not apply to the super-old. I call shenanigans.

7. Support the families of accident victims. What if the victim isn't dead yet? This seems to be a contradiction of commandment #4.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. While driving? That seems pretty effing complicated.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. This one's for cup holders.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Ooooohhhhh...responsible towards others! I've been doing this driving thing all wrong, what with the always-trying-to-kill-people. Thank Pete you've explained the rules of the road for us in your own unique style, Catholic Church. Where would the world be without you?