Friday, March 30, 2007

If Only Alex Had Taught Him How to Fake an Alibi

Brian Bonsall, also known as "Family Ties'" late-series-run-ratings-booster- via-cuteness-attempt Andy Keaton, apparently has not retained any of the conservative-leaning advice bestowed upon his character by his older brother Alex. When any Republican worth his salt beats on his old lady, he pays her off so she won't go to the cops (or at least he leaves town before having her killed).

Lord knows what your hippie parents think of your recent behavior, Andy...but you have no doubt shamed your brother. He had such high hopes that, as an adult, you'd be committing crimes and getting away with them.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Would David Bowie Be So Disrespected?

Just because he didn't ban Pete Rose (or sire Oscar-nominee Paul Giamatti, for that matter) or totally ignore the steroid problem until it was too late, that's still no excuse for me to be able to scoop snarky websites that are supposed to keep track of these kinds of things regarding the news that former Major League Baseball Commissioner (he held the post from 1969-1984) Bowie Kuhn has died at the age of 80.

UPDATE: Dead or Alive? has brought their Kuhn entry up-to-date, but they know as well as I do that it's too late to undo their initial non-killing of the man.

I'm a Kyle



Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Pete Rose Favors Gambling Strategy Completely Opposite to That of Wesley Snipes

Perhaps having decided that his strategic upgrade from an "I never bet on baseball" stance to one of "Okay, maybe I bet on it a few times a week" did not appear to bring him any closer to the Hall of Fame over the last two years, Pete Rose has now taken a position of quite another name, telling ESPN Radio that he bet on the Cincinnati Reds "every [freaking] night" while he was managing the team.

Bold move, Charlie Hustle. Not only are you admitting to Bud Selig and Major League Baseball that you were more guilty than perhaps they had even imagined of doing the thing you were banned from the game for doing, you're trying to convince them that the very fact that you did so proves your dedication as a manager and therefore is even more of a reason that you should be reinstated.

If that rock-solid rationale should for some reason still not grant you that elusive enshrinement in Cooperstown, may I suggest a fourth, equally reasonable strategy:

Tom Sizemore, who portrayed you in the 2004 ESPN television movie "Hustle"--which tells the story of how, as a manger, you were always betting on the Reds--also appeared in the 1993 Wesley Snipes vehicle Passenger 57, a film most famous for teaching us all the important lesson to "always bet on black". This constitutes a complete conflict of interest on Sizemore's part, so it's therefore totally his fault that you're not in the Hall of Fame and you should be let in immediately.

(You can just pay me with a World Series ring or something...whatever you used to give to your bookies.)

Tori Spelling Has a Baby

His name is Liam Aaron McDermott, and there is absolutely no chance he could turn out to be a bad person.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Van Halen Also-Rans, Patti Smith to Make It Weird at Rock Hall Induction Ceremony

When Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in about an hour from now (in a ceremony that will be broadcast live for the first time), none of them will be in attendance.

Technically, two former members of the band are expected to show up in the persons of Sammy Hagar and recently fired bassist Michael Anthony--but, although Hagar was the last lead singer to tour with Van Halen (in 2004), the rumors of a reunion between David Lee Roth and the band (which has now been postponed indefinitely thanks to Eddie Van Halen's trip to rehab) for all intents and purposes instantly rendered him a solo artist once again, and Anthony either (a) hasn't gotten the news that he's been replaced by Eddie's 15-year-old son or (b) has no pride. In any case, drummer Alex Van Halen is going to skip the ceremony in an apparent show of solidarity with Eddie, while Roth--who was originally supposed to perform at the event with Velvet Revolver--has recently scrapped his appearance because Velvet Revolver only knows one Van Halen song.

Patti Smith, meanwhile, might actually show up tonight when she is also inducted into the Rock Hall, but she wants everyone to know that she thinks it's lame, in fact having written an op-ed piece in today's New York Times to accomplish as much. In the piece, Smith writes: "In the end it was my neighbors who put everything in perspective. An approving nod from the old Italian woman who sells me pasta. A high five from the postman. An embrace from the notary and his wife. And a shout from the sanitation man driving down my street: 'Hey, Patti, Hall of Fame. One for us.'"

Where does Patty Smith live, exactly--in a musical set in the 1930s? (And even in one of those, rarely do you see people hugging their notaries. And their notaries' wives.)

In any case, one has to wonder if she's going to bring her high-fiving postman as her date to the ceremony tonight to prove that she--like Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony--is hell bent on finally marrying the anti-authoritative ideals of "rock music" with "showstopping social awkwardness". For those about to do the complete opposite of rock...we salute you.

C-List Actors are F-List Skiers

Actors who are better known for their former significant others (in this case Hilary Swank, Michelle Pfeiffer, and, um, a moose) than for their own work apparently not only vacation in groups, they also suck at it together.

After the powerhouse trio of Rob Morrow, Chad Lowe and Fisher Stevens got lost while skiing in Aspen, they had to rely on another group of skiers they encountered--one of whom was wise enough to be in possession of a cell phone--to call the ski patrol to come and rescue them.

Depending on how long it took for help to arrive, that must have been a pretty awkward wait for everyone involved, as those in the second group intermittently struggled with urges to ask (1) Lowe about Swank, (2) Stevens to "do the Indian guy from Short Circuit" and (3) Morrow if he was Brian Benben in between excruciating periods of silence.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Time to Stop Eating the Donuts

Not once since moving from New England to Southern California have I not regretted my lack of access to a Dunkin' Donuts...until right now. Official-spokesman-less since the 1997 retirement of "Fred the Baker" (a.k.a. Michael Vale), Dunkin' Donuts has announced the hiring of a new pitchwoman:

Rachel f'ing Ray.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure who Rachel Ray is or what she does. I think she has a cooking show (the above-linked Boston Globe article describes her as a "TV personality"); I believe I've also seen some cookbooks that she has written or at least put her face on the covers I can tell, she's a poor man's Martha Stewart.

Whatever the hell her credentials may be, what's offensive about this news is the fact that, from the looks of her, Rachel Ray wouldn't know a doughnut if one were strangling to her death (an action, curiously enough, that the Boston Globe editors have chosen to depict in the Photoshopped image accompanying the aforementioned article). That is apparently just the reason why Dunkin' Donuts has hired her, as the company is attempting to "get beyond its doughnut heritage".

If Dunkin' Donuts wants to get beyond its doughnut heritage, it should stop existing, because they're a food chain that first and foremost sells doughnuts--it's right there in the name, and spelled more appealingly. People aren't turning to them for health food, and they never will, no matter whose image the company attaches to its advertising materials.

For my money, when contemplating my doughnut needs and the options therein, I'm reassured by the face of a man like Fred the Baker--that's a man who, when he talks about doughnuts, is clearly speaking from experience (true to the brand to the delicious end, Vale died as a result of diabetes complications in 2005). When I see that gussied-up tart Rachel Ray (who the Globe article points out couldn't even sell Crock-Pots when she tried), on the other hand, I'm tempted to call off my doughnut plans altogether and go eat an apple.

Or something.

Gumbi Would Have Kept It in His (Her?) Pants

In a move that brings some much-needed diversity to the previously heterosexual-male-dominated field of sex scandals while perhaps not doing much good for her career, Louisiana State women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman has resigned over an "alleged inappropriate sexual relationship" with a former player on the team.

Typical that a woman is going to get forced out of her job for having sex with another woman in her charge. If a male college basketball coach were discovered to have been banging one of his male players, it probably wouldn't even be in the news.

Kate Winslet Wins Money from Magazine That Implied She Wasn't as Hot as She Could Possibly Be

Kate Winslet is totally hot and hates magazines, and now she's richer for both.

After the British glossy Grazia (which I assume is like Us but with the word "humor" spelled incorrectly) ran a story that Winslet had visited a diet doctor--a move that would appear to contradict the 31-year-old actress' outspoken stance against Hollywood's fixation with ultra-thinness--she sued the magazine for libel, and now she's getting paid. Turns out that Winslet's visit to the Chinese Healing Institute in Santa Monica, CA, was regarding a neck injury and not her weight.

Suck on that, Grazia. You don't step to the hotness that is Kate Winslet and expect to not get burned. Although there is one aspect of this story that I find somewhat confusing:

If Winslet doesn't read celebrity glossies--going so far as to, as she claims, refuse to have magazines in general in her did she even know about the Grazia story in the first place?

I should work for Scotland Yard.

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/09/07

QUESTION: "1) Take a word that means 'to rupture' and change on letter to find a word that means 'austere.'

"2) Take a word that means 'to mount,' and change one letter to find the word for a weather area."

MY ANSWER: "1) Every time I see the word 'austere', all I can think about is Paul Auster and why I haven't read more of his books even though he seems like my kind of author. Pass. 2) Seeing 'mount' and 'weather' together only makes me think 'mountain'...and maybe also of super-fake-named meteorologist Johnny Mountain. Pass."

ACTUAL ANSWER: "1) break, bleak 2) climb, clime"

CONSENSUS: I was going to come back to this one.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Brian Robbins Openly Declares War on Quality

No doubt emboldened by "the best [financial] month of his career", director/producer Brian Robbins--the artist behind such landmark cinematic achievements as Good Burger, Ready to Rumble and The Perfect Score--has used a profile in today's Hollywood Reporter as a platform to lash out at anyone who has ever questioned his abilities--specifically film critics, but also anyone with eyes and/or ears and/or a fully-functioning brain.

Robbins' defense? I'm rich, so I must be talented.

Citing the high audience test scores of his latest directorial effort, the Eddie-Murphy's-Oscar-chances-annihilator Norbit, Robbins seems genuinely confounded as to how the movie could have scored a pathetic 9% on Rotten Tomatoes, asking: "Is the audience that stupid? Is America's taste that bad? I don't think so."

If I may be so bold as to address Mr. Robbins' concerns in consecutive order: yes, yes, and you should.

Apparently gaining momentum from his completely asinine assertion that "the only films that get good reviews are the ones that nobody sees", Robbins goes on in the THR piece to take a rather wide swing at Alan Arkin, the victor over Murphy in last year's Supporting Actor Oscar race, claiming that the 73-year-old "couldn't do what Eddie did in Norbit."

That's a low blow, Robbins. For a man of Arkin's advanced age to strap himself into a latex fat suit and scream at various pitches would be a genuine health risk much more than it would an accurate barometer of his thespian skills...and I think you just might know that.

Then again, perhaps not...for a man who thinks that "work with movie stars" passes as insightful advice for aspiring filmmakers might not know too much of anything.

Chris Knight Would Be Proud

Acknowledging the fact that a beer-catapulting refrigerator would be almost guaranteed to seriously injure or kill someone if it were ever mass-produced, it's still nice to know that there are at least some engineering graduates trying to create a better world for us common folk.

1 Glass of Champagne = 91 Calories

Sure, it's great that you no longer weigh half a ton and were able to leave your house for the first time in five years. But seeing as you're still pushing 9 bills, maybe you ought to celebrate with a nice glass of water...and save the bubbly for, say, when you're able to move without the aid of a forklift.

Gisele Bündchen estaria Grávida?

Count on it! You can keep your stolen Vince Lombardi Trophy, Gomer. Tom Brady wouldn't be able to carry it anyway, what with his hands being full of the fruit of his can't-miss loins!

Patriots rule!

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/08/07

QUESTION: "Find the letter that best completes the following sequence.

"A _ B Y C Z D"


ACTUAL ANSWER: "X (There are two sequences: ABCD and XYZ.)"


Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Lance Bass Gambling That Some *NSYNC Fans Have Learned to Read

Speaking of people who aren't astronauts...former non- Justin-Timberlake-member of *NSYNC and current homosexual-at-large Lance Bass has announced plans to have someone ghostwrite an autobiography for him. Scheduled for publication in October, the book will be titled--are you sitting down?--Out of Sync. Get it? 'Cause, see, the band he was in was called *NSYNC, and now he's out of the closet.

Nothing? Well, I'm sure you'll put it together later.

E! Online has managed to scoop (and for some reason decided to publish) the exact amount of pages that Bass' memoir will contain, declaring the total to be 256. If you figure each chapter in the book will run between 12 and 15 pages, bringing the number of chapters in at about 19, Lance Bass' life story will probably break down as such:

Chapter 1: Growing up in Mississippi.
Chapter 2: Joining *NSYNC and meeting Justin Timberlake.
Chapters 3-17: Justin Timberlake.
Chapter 18: The astronaut thing.
Chapter 19: I'm gay.

That is only a rough estimate, of course, as I personally hope Bass will dedicate a few pages toward the end of the tome to explaining whatever became of Spider Head.

Protective Undergarments Fail to Protect Lisa Nowak from Getting Sh*tcanned

If driving halfway across the country while wearing adult diapers in order to attempt to kidnap and possibly murder a romantic rival because you found sexy emails that she sent to your man isn't the kind of behavior from its astronauts that NASA will condone, what exactly is? Traveling through outer space in some sort of fantastical rocket ship?

Whatever, nerd.

Sweep the Leg

Europeans really do take their soccer seriously. For example, during a recent match in Berlin, a 42-year-old German spectator was so enraged by a foul that took place that he ran out on to the field (or "pitch", if you want to be all soccer-y about it) and took out the offending player with a karate kick before attempting to further beat the hell out of him.

The player in question? An eight-year-old.

A police spokesman in the town of Hassoch, where the incident took place, theorized that the man was related to the kid who had been fouled, but stated that "it [wasn't] entirely clear".

I'm kind of hoping that the guy wasn't related to anybody involved with the game (after all, parents turning violent at children's sporting events is practically to be expected these days), and that he's just a really big fan of boys' soccer. And also maybe a ninja.

The Final Insult

Nick Pardo--the videographer who "amassed 70 hours of footage of [O.J.] Simpson from 2000 to 2005," for some reason--told the New York Post that O.J. has added himself to the list of possible fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, having alleged that he first had a tryst with Anna Nicole around the time the two of them costarred in The Naked Gun 33 1/3.

What goes on in O.J. Simpson's mind? Does he really not understand that everyone on Earth--including the jurors who originally found him innocent in 1996--knows that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman...especially since he made a deal to write a book detailing exactly how he did it? Does he fancy himself nothing more than a beloved comedian who charms the public with his quips? He just might, having joked to Pardo: "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out [the baby] is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money--or the baby herself."

Ha ha ha ha ha! He owes money to the guy whose son he stabbed to death! It's funny because it's true!

O.J. Simpson really might want to consider never talking again. To anyone. Ever.

Captain America Was Apparently Still Around; Is Dead

I'm not much of a comic book guy (read: I've seen a girl naked), but I do possess a passing familiarity with some of the bigger names in the realm: your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spider-Men. Captain America was a character who I hadn't heard much about in some time (maybe since I enjoyed the kickass TV movie about him in reruns), and I was pleased to recently learn that he was still around, currently playing a pivotal role in a Marvel series entitled "Civil War".

I also learned that, as of today, he's dead.

I think I'm depressed by this news; but, more urgently, I'm curious to know how nerds feel about it. Are they also sad? Are they happy? Was Captain America's death fitting to the arc of the story, if not altogether necessary? How will it effect their purchasing habits regarding pajamas and bed sheets?

Despite the many questions that this new information has raised for me, one sad fact seems clear. As I understand it, the "Civil War" storyline is intended as a metaphor for the current political climate. Now that Captain America is dead, I guess that means Bush wins. Nuts.

Frenchie Davis Supporters Mistake Weightism for Racism

Frenchie Davis, a former "American Idol" ("The show everyone watches but me!"™) contestant who was kicked off the show in 2003 after nude photos that she had posed for five years prior surfaced on the internet, is confused as to why current contestant Antonella Barba has been allowed to stay on "American Idol" even though she presently finds herself in pretty much the same situation, involving pictures taken much more recently than five years ago. Given that Davis is black and Barba is white, representatives for Davis and civil rights activists are eagerly crying racism in this matter, going so far as to stage a protest yesterday outside the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles, where "American Idol" tapes.

Although there are differences between Davis' situation and Barba's (mainly that the latter wasn't paid to pose for her racy photos nor did she have prior knowledge that the images would be posted to the internet), a civil rights violation has occurred here...and it's got nothing to do with race. It has entirely to do with the fact that Frenchie Davis is fat, while Antonella Barba is skinny.

Everyone knows that skinny people are more attractive than fat people, and nowhere is that delineation more important than in the realm of movies and television. The Antonella Barba scandal (including the full-on pornographic pictures that turned out to not even be of her [secondary link NSFW]), serves as nothing but good publicity for "American Idol", the producers of which can only benefit if people tune into the show for the sole purpose of picturing the contestants naked...but of course, people will only do so if the contestants in question are attractive--i.e., not fat. When the Frenchie Davis scandal broke in 2003, that was nothing but bad news for "American Idol". As talented a singer as Davis might have been, nobody wanted to picture her naked--and when stories about her being naked were all over the news, avoiding the mental image was practically impossible. Hence, Frenchie had to go.

And Barba will stay...that is, of course, until she is properly voted off "American Idol" because of her substandard singing ability, which I'm told is a problem (remember--I don't watch the show). She will not be a victim of racism, just as Frenchie Davis was not. Until people like Najee Ali--the community activist and founder of Project Islamic H.O.P.E. who has inserted himself as Davis' mouthpiece in this matter--(as well as Rosie O'Donnell, whose identification of the weight issue is nullified by the fact that she of all people also focused on race) realize that the real crime is to hide fat people behind the color of their skin, instead of allowing them to be prejudiced against simply for being fat...none of us will truly be free.

UPDATE: Defamer reports that, should her stint on "American Idol" fail to catapult Antonella Barba to musical superstardom, Joe Francis wants a piece. I'm willing to bet that Frenchie Davis did not receive such an offer back in '03.

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/07/07

QUESTION: "The names of three people are hidden in the sentence below. Can you find them? (The letters are in consecutive order.)

"It was a hard other choice: a car older than you or a new scooter."

MY ANSWER: "???"

ACTUAL ANSWER: "Asa, Dot, Carol"

CONSENSUS: I really hate you sometimes, Mensa calendar. The last time we did this, I got screwed specifically because I tried to find hidden words that existed consecutively within the sentence, one after the other. Thinking my lesson had been learned, that's exactly what I wasn't looking for in this puzzle...only to find out that what I didn't do was exactly what I would have needed to do in order to find the answers. Your inconsistency in format of instruction is exasperating.

Also: "Asa"? Really?

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

John Rocker Hates the Jews but Loves the Juice

Former major league relief pitcher (and current, uh...streaming video entrepreneur?) John Rocker might not like homosexuals, Hispanics, Asians, women, black people, the overweight, Jews, hair dye, the 7 train, or batteries, but one shouldn't take that to mean that there's nothing the all-purpose bigot doesn't not like--or at least doesn't hate. For example, he's allegedly been known to enjoy the occasional illegal performance-enhancing substance.

According to an exclusive report on an ongoing steroid sting in Florida, between April and July of 2003 Rocker received two prescriptions for somatropin (the human growth hormone). Rocker--who is named among several other athletes in the story--has denied this allegation, but I don't know why he's even bothering when the evidence speaks for him: during the aforementioned time period, John Rocker was limping to the end of his major league career with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Nothing about that situation says "enhanced" to me.

Even if there's merit to the claim against Rocker, the article points out that "the clients [of the Palm Beach Rejuvenation Center and other clinics suspected to be suppliers of performance-enhancing drugs] appearing on invoices and customer lists are unlikely to face prosecution, because the targets of the raids and investigations are the members of the network of suppliers". So any way you slice it, Rocker's in the clear...and he can keep his focus on his burgeoning career selling racist t-shirts alongside Ms. Bikini Universe 2004. You really can't keep a good man down.

AARP The Magazine Cashes In on Sexagenarian Softcore Action Craze

In the time between when she emerged as "unexpectedly doable" at the 2007 Golden Globe Awards and when Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly musically expressed their sexual attraction towards her at the Oscars ceremony, Dame Helen Mirren firmly established herself as the over-sixty object of inappropriately lustful thoughts worldwide. Perhaps it was inevitable, then, that even a publication as seemingly innocuous as AARP The Magazine would utilize the sex appeal of the Oscar-winning actress du jour in an attempt to spice up the presentation of articles on the rising cost of prescription drugs and Rod Stewart concert promotions.

To be sure, the AARP cover isn't nearly as racy as that of February's Los Angeles Magazine featuring Mirren, but one can't expect a periodical aimed at America's retirement community to go whole-hog on the Helen Mirren sex train its first time out of the box; to do so would run the risk of eliminating a large percentage of their readership via coronary. What counts in the latest AARP The Magazine cover is what's implied...and what's implied is eventual full-frontal nudity.

Crazy Diaper-Wearing Astronaut Lady: The Sexy Emails Factor

Earlier this month, when the news broke that astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak had driven over 900 miles while wearing a diaper to confront (and possibly attempt to kidnap and/or murder) a romantic rival (y'know--that thing they're not making a movie about), most people assumed that her behavior was unjustified. To those people I now declare: sexy emails!

It turns out that Nowak's rage may have been fueled by the discovery [Ed. note: not the space shuttle] of "steamy e-mails" sent to fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein--the object of her affections--by fellow Bill-Oefelein-sexer-upper Colleen Shipman--the object of her pepper spray. While Oefelein was aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery [Ed. note: not the act of uncovering sexy emails] in December, Shipman sent him an email which included the passage, "Will have to control myself when I see you. First urge will be to rip your clothes off, throw you on the ground and love the hell out of you."

After reading that, how could Nowak have been expected not to embark on a frantic cross-country drive with the possible intent of shooting Shipman, cutting her into pieces and putting those pieces into garbage bags? Now that this evidence has come to light, it's reasonable to assume that all charges against Nowak will be dropped, and the general public can focus its attention on the even more fascinating revelation brought to light by this story:

They have email in space!

Zach Braff Now Making Charlie Sheen Money

Just last night, I was driving down Vine Street when I passed a billboard promoting NBC's Thursday night comedy lineup and it occurred to me that Zach Braff seems to think that he's way more famous than he actually is. Given that he stars in a TV show no one watches and has appeared in two feature films that no one saw, he is probably best known for listening to music.

Apparently, though, Braff's powerful self-delusion has taken hold of ABC TV Studio, who has handed him a $350,000-per-episode contract for a seventh season of "Scrubs". The deal makes Braff one of the highest-paid male actors in television, putting him in the ranks of "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen--with whom there is no way this is going to sit well. (Sure, neither of their shows is funny, but at least people actually watch the latter.)

While this is all good news for Braff, his agent, his real estate agent, his preferred car dealer, and the entirely hypothetical fanbase of "Scrubs", now that the actor has a no doubt reinvigorated commitment to his television career, there is one group of people greatly in danger of being left out in the cold:

Fans of movies where Zach Braff looks mopey while the Shins play.

Scooter Libby Finishes Trial with an .800 Batting Average

Obstruction of Justice: Guilty.

False Statements to FBI Investigators about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

False Statement to FBI Investigators about Cooper Conversation: Not Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Cooper Conversation: Guilty.

Don't let that miss on the second false statement charge get you down, Scooter. You've proven yourself more than capable of inclusion on any one of a number of prison baseball teams.

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/06/07

QUESTION: "A simple substitution code has been used to conceal a 'quote.' Work out the code to decipher the original words.

"Little Bo-Peep:

MY ANSWER: "Please don't bring them home. I'm considering a career change."

ACTUAL ANSWER: "Please don't bring them home. I'm considering a career change. (Code: A = B, B = C, C = D, etc.)"

CONSENSUS: I think we can rule out Little Bo-Peep as a suspect in the Zodiac murders. (But why does "I'm" get an apostrophe while "don't" doesn't?)

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Lidle Shop of Horrors

You're a millionaire dentist whose home was destroyed as the result of a plane crash whose cause has yet to be determined but in which the two men on board the small aircraft were killed. What do you do?

If you answered "sue the widow of the richer of the two men", congratulations! You're Dr. Lawrence Rosenthal (and a dick)!

Apparently, being the kindhearted dentist to such low-income clients as Donald Trump, Bruce Springsteen and Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn't bring in quite enough cheddar to rent an apartment while the one that you own on the Upper East Side of Manhattan--itself worth several millions of dollars--is being repaired. That's been the situation for Rosenthal since October 11, when a Cirrus SR-20 carrying New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle and flight instructor Tyler Stanger crashed into his building, killing both men inside the plane.

The National Transportation Safety Board was unable to determine which of them was actually piloting the aircraft at the time of the accident, so it's a lucky break for Stanger's family that it was the famous baseball player and not Stanger who happened to have owned the plane...because if it were the other way around, Rosenthal would surely have just as quickly slapped them with a $7 million lawsuit. After all, there's absolutely no chance that a dentist who is already suing another public figure for $5 million could be greedy or unscrupulous.

Somewhere in heaven above him, his mama's proud of him.